Sadly I feel exactly the same. ((Hugs))

HUGS back!

Sometimes we know how to help others, but not ourselves. Some people will never understand the damage abuse does to a person. And then they also dont understand why you still love the person, making you feel pathetic.

I left him for 2 years. And in those two years, I found pieces of happiness. met a few nice guys, But the void was there, him. Being foolish I went back to him, Never been happier to be back with him. then the abuse started again. and its like a double edged blade, one side being the love we had/have and the other being the pain... cycle of abuse i suppose/ But I guess i just cant help myself.

Yes I always go back...I beg and plead and cry and let the world around me crumble just to have the one person who has destroyed my spirit take me back. He doesn't even want me back. He would be content never seeing my face again...its me. I'm the one who persists, I'm the one asking for it. It has destroyed me that much that I don't have the strength to walk away for good. He has told me he wishes I was dead and he would toast to it, he has called me ugly, he has told me I'm a terrible mother and my own parents hate me. He has told me I'm a loser, I'm poisen, He feels sorry for anyone around me. He has spit in my face, he has gagged me with a dirty sock when I attempted to talk to him about his lack of intamacy. He has tried to choke me when I tried to have sex with him. He has thrown me out if his car. I could go on and on. The point is is that I don't know how to end this. He has tried but I persist, I feel I need him and it's so sick and so disturbing to me that haven't slept in two nights. I feel at this point my therapy is not enough. But I'm a single parent and I can't go away for a week or two. I have to work and have to take care of my daughter. I feel I'm literally in the darkest place ever and cant seem to get out of it.

I know the feeling.

I so know the feeling.

(((hugs)))

befree and helerown ------

Your powerful words
are heart-wrenching.

I want you to know
that I truly understand.

I'd also like you to know
that, though it's not clear
or easy, regarding the
path out of the
hell you describe,
there IS an exit route.

A bit over twenty years ago
I lived daily in a dark despair
that was so black
and exit-less
I spent six months planning
to end my life.

Obviously, I didn't
end up doing that.

I'm still here. . .
back from the
edge of the abyss

to report

that life beyond abuse
is possible.

I'm not saying it's easy.
I'm not saying I didn't
make plenty of mistakes
along the way back.
Heck. I'm still making
some of the mistakes
on a daily basis.

But there IS
a way out.

I've been there
and back,
along with
others on this
board.

There IS a way
back to
loving life.

Please don't give up.

Twenty years from now
you'll be happy that
you kept faith
and kept
looking for the exit.

I agree with Ilene and I can empathize too. I have been there. I'm still there. It's like how can you stop wanting to be with the person who hurts you? Why don't you just leave? I know in my case I feel like an addict. I get so high from the love and affection but eventually there is a crash and reality hits like a ton of bricks. I have never been addicted to drugs but I am addicted to a person I know I can do better than. You can do better too! I understand that gets cliche but it is true. I hope you continue to be strong and reach out on here, Helerown and Befree. We can eventually break this vicious cycle.

Hugs