Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As good as it feels to ignore him and for him to ignore me back, and to not have to engage in conversations where his point of view is always right where I am baited to participate and then cut down for my lack of knowledge is refreshing. However I am now left with my thoughts and somehow the guilt of ignoring him creeps in. it seems cruel to me to ignore him and I almost feel sorry for him, then I remember why I am doing this and all the horrible things he has said and done to me and then I start to think I am letting him off easy. Is it working though? He is just ignoring me back I cant know what he is thinking or how it is affecting him. Is it angering him? When will he finally explode on me? Will he get violent or just leave? The anxiety of not knowing the outcome has my stomach in knots. I havent eaten in 2 days and I am smoking cigarettes more than usual. His birthday was yesterday and I off handedly mentioned happy birthday after he asked why I hadnt said it already. Did I just give him back some power? He acknowledged in a text yesterday that I have barely spoken to him in days and I would like to believe he feels bad or remorse but he is a text book narcissist and I know it is not possible for him to feel this way. I am just going to keep ignoring him and act as if he isnt even there but I still have to support my family and pay the bills and this is source of narcissistic supply so am I just giving him what he wants? Is there any way that he will just leave me peacefully and look for another victim
towards freedom.
It's not an easy one.
The questions you
peppered your thread
with are all interesting
questions. There's just
one thing wrong with them.
They're all about HIM.
At some point on your
journey you're going to
begin to invest less of
your focus on HIM and
more on more pertinent
things and non-abusive
people. When that day
arrives, you will know
that you have come a
significant distance
from where you began.
It's impossible to know
what your abuser will do.
Whatever it is, it's NOT
under your control. The
only thing you can control
is YOU.
Please take very good care.
I also wish you would focus more on yourself instead of worrying about him so much. You deserve to be happy and live a normal life.
I wish you luck
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
It took a very long time for me to get this-a REALLY long time, and that is I could not effect the outcome of his behavior no matter what I did. Anything will have the same result. It does not matter one little tiny bit-it will not make him feel bad, or satisfied, or feed his rages or not feed his rages. It does not matter at all. His sick twisted perspective operates completely separately from reality. Once I got that it was pretty freeing, boundaries and no contact became easier. Now it's just a matter of deprogramming all the crap in my head that goes on behind the scenes.
There comes a time when you will decide you have had enough. When you do that, you will begin to take your power back. There are lots of ways to do that. The first way is to go total NO CONTACT. That means leave him (or kick him out if he's living w/you AND change the locks) and block him from your phone, email and social networks.
As long as you choose to respond to him, this will continue. As long as you continue to rent him space in your head, it will be all about him and not you. Then he has the power. But you get to choose who has the power!!!
It took me a really long time to realize that I have the power to take my power back. The more space I rented to him in my head, the more power he had over me. I've been out a good while and there are still times when I sublet my brain to him and have do emergency eviction procedures. ;-) I encourage you to get into therapy if you aren't already. Just make sure your therapist understands the dynamics of abuse.
To answer your last question, probably not. It is imperative that you create a SAFE plan to get him out. Your local shelter and/or your therapist can help with that.
Please take good care of you and keep the focus on you and your child and not him.
(((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))
The ignoring is soooooo such a waste of time. I'm telling you I have been there, when they give in then what is accomplished, a temporary relief of ok we're ok now, until it happens again the next time.
If you have to spend days on in, ignoring someone to gain control of a situation, and think that the person is going to give in and all of a sudden want to make things work, is a day or two of nothing, instead of a day or two of working things out.
Sometimes you need a breather, but not for days on end. I'm sorry, that's just me saying that, I dont' know how much time you need a breather, but, to me, It's frustrating and really serves no purpose. If it has to be you, stand there and say ok this is it, we are going to talk about this and just get it out. If he is an abusive partner, and forgive me I don't know your story, then never mind. Abusive people can't understand how we feel. \
I agree with true colors, all this is going to end when you have had enough. Until then you will live like this day after day after day until someone makes the first step, to change things.
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm really sorry for how you feel. ((((hugs))))
You are in a crappy situation where there is no easy way out. I also know about trying to leave and getting the reaction you described and getting sucked back in. You could almost be describing my ex, many of our abusers, I'm sure. As you can see it's been a long hard battle for me too and I've been divorced 6 years. I wish I could assure you he will move on and quit his abuse after you leave him. It's terrifying to think about what he will put you through if you leave.
But I after facing it, and experiencing it I am grateful every single day that I am not married to that man anymore. When we were getting divorced I had nothing-I had no money, no job, he kept all my personal property, I had no home-I moved in with my parents at 34 years old. I gave up a lot just to get out. Now I have my own home, a degree, a career, a wonderful man, my daughter, and most importantly I make my decisions on how my life will go, I go every day without someone telling me I'm wrong, I'm stupid, I'm incapable, telling me what to do when and how, I live without a constant underlying fear and confusion-I still get afraid, I still get anxious, I still struggle with self doubt,but that walking on eggshells feeling is gone.
Recovery is a journey, it takes a lot of time and hard work, but I have so much I never could have had when I was married to that man. Knowing what it feels like to be where you are now-I want that for you too. I can't wait for you to feel what it feels like to look back at a nightmare you woke up from. You are aware of the abuse-that is a big advantage-some people unfortunately never get there. As long as you and the kids are safe-the rest will fall into place over time. You can get back stuff, you can work on your self esteem and feeling safe again-you can make new friends-but you can't get back your time. However long it takes, whatever it takes I just hope you have a plan and are taking steps towards it-and in the meantime do whatever you can do to keep yourself and the kids as safe as possible. I am just sorry you are going through it.