Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Should I stay or should I go?

Angel32
Angel32
So I wrote on here the other day discussing my emotionally abusive boyfriend.This has been a long distance relationship for a few years.He constantly accuses me, fights with me and the list goes on.Basically he makes me feel like the enemy.I want to believe that he will change once the distance is no longer an issue.He blames being away from me to be the root to all our problems.Anyway, I'm supposed to book my flight to Australia soon.I know everyone thinks I shouldn't go but I think I have my bases covered.I got a 3 month leave from work,have a friend staying at my house etc. I feel like I shouldn't go but I also feel like I need closure.I feel like I need to go there just to see if things are better once I'm there. Before all this abuse, I've never been happier with anyone else.I keep telling myself that if he starts to act crazy towards me within those 3 months, I can return home and still have my job waiting for me etc.My question is, do you think that it is possible for him to be better once we are together? Do you think that he can hide his "crazyness" for 3 months and turn on me later? Or do you think that in 3 months I won't be able to get a good idea of how he really is? I just don't know what to do.I'm thinking I should just go and if it starts up again make sure I'm strong enough to come home and never look back.I know relationships are work and me living in a new place alone will be a huge adjustment for me, yet alone if he is emotionally abusive.Can people really change for the better?Could it only be the distance? Sorry to babble on but I'm just so confused.Some insight would be appreciated.Thanks.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How could the distance be the "cause"?

In answer to one of your questions, I'd like to believe that people CAN change. I'm in the process of working on my changes so it gives me hope.... However, the person that needs the change has to WANT it and be willing to work HARD at it for a LONG time (forever?)...

Best wishes
deleted_user
deleted_user
When I met my boyfriend I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. There wasn't the distance issue, but none the less I thought that I met the man of my dreams. Then the verbal abuse started later on in the relationship. Things were stressful we were having a baby my hormones were all over the place that is what I chalked it up to. I was the girl that always said that if a guy ever touched me that he would be out the door. Well here I am almost 5 years later in a relationship that is horrible. Take it from me if he is willing to talk to you in that way what else is he willing to do. That is such a long way to go. Your friends and family are here they are your support system. If you go over there all you have is him. Just be careful, I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would say that it IS possible for him to hide his true personality for as long as it takes to get you STUCK there. This will be like a honeymoon period, anyway. New life, new country, being together.... these people are good at getting us into places we cannot leave easily. Not that it's that CONSCIOUS, but it's there.

I do believe people can change, though, if they really want to. I think one would have to see how his behavior has impacted his OWN life negatively, though, before one would invest that much time and energy into making the necessary changes.

Be careful, best of luck, and BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SIGNS!
deleted_user
deleted_user
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be careful. I didn't get to read your first post, but here's what I can say from what you've said here....

I took a two week vacation and when I came back things were better than they had ever been. It was amazing....and then the insults started seeping back in, and then....well then I ended up where I am now which you can read about in my post or my journal. the thing about emotional abuse is it has so many different forms, and abusers use many different kinds. they often use new forms of abuse so it can sneak up on you the way it did in the first place.
Saraswati
Saraswati
If I were you with my wonderful hindsight I now have (that I ignored totally when I had the chance to leave my verbally abusive husband) I would take a holiday in another part of the world away from him. Enjoy yourself and if you meet someone else watch for the warning signs before you get hooked. These guys are always better with distance and always get worse with time. (Sorry BP40 I think that you are quite different because you admit things, most abusers don't).

The trouble is once you are there with him in Australia you will be more hooked and it will be harder to leave. Think - Thailand, Greece, Bali or wherever you like, just not there. It has to come from you, you have to believe that you are worth of much, much better.

Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Can charm for years and go back to abuse. Don't go. They are especially charming when you are less oriented or needing guidance. When need stops, they have to make you helpless and needy again. Please let us clear your head. You are not really confused, you have a divided mind pulling you two ways. Go elsewhere to allow your mind to clear and you will see his reaction. Likely either horribly hurt and rivers of charm or rage. what ever it is it will be instructive.