Welcome to the forum
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that
brought you hear.

An abuser who chokes
is a criminal who is
capable of KILLING.

No one can tell you
what to do, but I
hope that you will
seriously consider
BOTH filing charges
against H. as well
as getting a LONG-TERM
RESTRAINING ORDER
that would criminalize
his attempting to contact
you in any manner.

It's really great that your
husband is supportive
and most concerned
for your safety. In
regards to your feeling
guilty about "making
H's life difficult. . . . . . "

he tried to KILL you.

Whatever difficulties
he encounters in
regards to his actions
are because of his
own choice to use
a continued pattern of
VIOLENCE to control.

Please make sure
that you are safe
against further
violence from
this potential
killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, IleneW. I should add that he choked and shoved me around while I was pregnant to convince me to KEEP the baby he desperately wanted (I was on a medication that causes birth defects and ultimately miscarried anyway.) That's when I sort of realized nothing will make it stop and it IS a "continued pattern of violence," as you put it.

His reasoning for abusing me is usually because I wouldn't leave my husband for good. Crazy, why would violence toward me ever convince me to stay?

I do care about H and I'm going to have a VERY hard time going NC and (if I press charges) knowing he couldn't contact me if he tried. I know deep down that you are right about the guilt, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to risk my job :/

How would reporting
a potential murderer
who mortally ATTACKED
you ---- a PREGNANT
woman ----- endanger your job?

(In the U.S., the crime
of choking carries
even more serious
penalties because
it's a potentiall
LETHAL form
of assault.)

Please look up:

"Stockholm Syndrome."

I agree that you should seriously consider pressing charges. One of my big regrets for a long while was that I didn't press charges when my ex damaged my property and called the police to my home on false accusations of physical violence. I regretted it most because I lacked any proof when he started his "smear campaign" and lied about me and what happened in our relationship further. I didn't even consider he might do this, because I wrote off his abusive behavior as due to stress and made a ton of excuses for him. You may be under the impression this is the first time he's acted out violently, but I later pieced together the information I gathered during my relationship and realized that my ex had a worrisome history. He never had to fully own up to his actions and face real consequences, and not that he would have changed (in fact, I know he was the type that would rather disappear than to look within himself and his own issues), but he also had no incentive to.

As others have already explained, you NEED to press charges and get a restraining order. Your image at work won't mean anything if he kills you in another rage (which his actions have more than demonstrated is a very likely outcome if you keep seeing him).

I'm wondering why you believe you are the only one he has ever assaulted. He can't get through stress, and arguing without choking, pushing, hitting. Pretty violent. Do you believe that there is something about you that could take a non-violent person and all of a sudden turn them into a monster. Think about that again. Who told you he has never hit anyone before. Don't let him lie his way into this being your fault. Don't take the blame for his actions. He is a lair. Please get a restraining order. Stay safe.

Thank you everyone for the advice. He is in his early 20s, his only other significant girlfriend (2 years) was at 18, and I just get the feeling it was a different relationship for a number of reasons. That being said, I'm starting to see the light. He told me he had always been scary when mad. It's scary that he could have killed me by choking me. But it's hard because I miss him, I'm concerned at how his family will think of me (dumb, I know), and because I'm afraid that he will get a slap on the wrist and it will almost not have been worth the process.

I didn't press charges the first however many times. I did the time he choked me. He got a slap on the wrist, but he never choked me again. I was still a fool and didn't push it when he breached the restraining order. When he was violent again, I refused to make a statement. I didn't want my husband, the father of my child, to go to jail. And like you seem to be doing, I put it on me. I didn't want to cause him problems, didn't want to be the reason he had a criminal record, didn't want to send him to jail.

Then I realised, I wasn't causing him problems, I can't just arbitrarily "send" him to jail, I can never be the reason he has a criminal record. He eventually went to jail and got a criminal record BECAUSE HE COMMITTED A CRIME! In filing charges, you would not be causing him problems, you would be standing up for yourself and reporting a crime. It's then up to the justice system to decide what becomes of the criminal. His choice to commit the crime, not yours.

I hear you on the "pushing each other's buttons" thing. But that's no excuse. He still has choices. If he felt that you were the cause of him becoming violent, that first time he was, then he should have walked away so as to never be violent again. But the truth is, you are not and cannot be the cause of someone becoming violent. You may in part be a trigger, but it's still up to him as to how he responds to that trigger. He chose to respond in a life-threatening way.

The other thing you do by filing a report is you make clear to him that not only is his behaviour unacceptable (he likely already knows this), but also that YOU as an individual will not accept the behaviour.

Do (as Ilene suggested) research stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding. And ask yourself what it is that you love about a man who is willing to kill you to get his own way, who wants to "win" you with violence. I suspect it's more about the dream and the facade that you love, rather than the truth of a man who could hold you responsible for your injuries, sustained at his hands.

Finally, "I don't want him to spend time in jail or to make his life difficult with a first degree misdemeanor just because he made poor decisions in a difficult and stressful situation." You are massively minimising what he has done. His "poor decisions" were to beat and potentially kill you. And if that's what he's willing to do because you haven't finally chosen to leave your husband for good, what do you think he might do now that you are going so far as to want to reconcile with your husband? This is a VERY dangerous man, not just a poor lost boy. You don't need to save him, you need to save yourself. And if you are harbouring any feelings of guilt that maybe you "led him on" and it's unfair to him that you now want to reconcile with your husband, do NOT let those feelings excuse him for what he's done to you, for the crimes he has committed.

My only regret is that I didn't report my ex every single time he was violent. I would have saved myself a great deal of physical and way more emotional pain.

I just want to say, and I don't know all the details or timeline so I could be off base, but if this guy treated you amazing from the start then there may have been a great chance you never would have considered going back to your husband. I'm sure your considering going back didn't sit well with him, but there is absolutely no excuse for what he did. He did that on his own.

Livn wrote:

And ask yourself what it is that you love about a man who is willing to kill you to get his own way, who wants to "win" you with violence.

Which is what I'd have written
after your #7 reply, but Livn,
halfway around the world
from me, took the words
right out of my keyboard.

My story reveals another aspect worth considering. In February 2013, my now ex beat me severely in his home. I had very serious bruises all over my body. I didn't file charges.

2 weeks later, he came after me again. I called 911 and was taken to a motel for the night. I told the officers that he had beaten me 2 weeks earlier, but I did not tell them I had taken 12 photos of the bruises looking into a full-length mirror (while the ex was out of the house).

I left him in August 2013. He had lied about me and smeared me to his friends and fmaily throughout our 3-year realtionship, but after I left, he ramped up the smear campign to insane levels. He taunted me by e-mail about the smearing he was doing, vowed to reach out to my grown children, mother, sister, therapist, friends and associates. Then he sent me an appt. confirmation he had made with an associate of my therapist.

By now, it was November 2013. I drove down to his county with my photos and filed the charges. I had only 2 months left on the statute of limitations. He was charged with DV and assault. the assult charge was dropped and he got a diversion program for the DV. He has had one year NC which ends today.

He has followed me all over the Internet throughout this past year, taunting me through fake dating profiles and playing mind games with me on support sites through fake profiles.

Am I glad I filed those charges? You betcha. I'm lucky he started the bull crap before the statute of limitations was up. If I had not filed those charges I would be kicking myself in the butt. It was the one thing I could do to counteract his lies and harrassment and I did it.

Do you really think this man is going to quietly disappear? He is not. he is going to get madder and madder. He has control issues and he is losing control. Beating someone is about controlling them.

I didn't want to file those charges at the time. I still loved him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to change. I understand where you are at because it takes a long time for those irrational feelings to go away. but if you wait until they do, your statue of limitations will be up. Know that your feelings are going to change. Think about how you will feel if he is stalking and smearing you, a year from now, and there was something you could have done that would have made the police take you seriously, but you didn't do it. And now, it's too late.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is hell. I wish you the best.

Also, I'd like to add, (I don't think anyone touched on this), this guy is very young. If he's already this violent at this age, and this early into a relationship, it's going to get WAYYYYY worse. Abusers get worse, not better, at least not without serious intervention and a strong desire to change.

Every excuse your making for him is textbook for abuse victims, by the way. No matter what you say to him, or how you say it, he has to be able to control himself. That's HIS problem. He has serious issues. I would be worried for you and your husband's life.

I don't know if I have the words to thank each and every one of you for the advice and support you have given me. I have done so much research and read so many stories and NONE of it was enough to snap me out of my fantasy world where things seemed like they could get better. Your responses did.

I wanted to share that this morning I gave the ok for the officer to press charges so I wouldn't need to (I have fears that being the plaintiff will infuriate him as his family to the point of retaliation.) I am going to sign the temporary protection order about an hour before they will have him come to the station. When that's up I will be getting a three year protective order. I am going to look into having my husband get one as well.

Again, you were all right. I have been minimizing the situation. He has choked me so hard that my throat hurt for days, and more than once. I'm realizing that it really could have killed me even if he didn't mean to. I also realize that no matter how emotionally manipulative or unfair I was to him in return, I never had the urge to strike him. I couldn't even hit him back. That says a lot about the balance of the relationship.

Kris, what you said about not wanting to file really hit home. What seems to be lacking in a lot of advice on other sites I have visited is that your feelings don't just disappear when you realize pressing charges is the right thing to do. I guess you saying that sort of validated that this is ok and that I WILL get over it and will not regret it. I have a feeling he will move back to his parents' out of state after this mess. It makes me sad, because I do love him and I don't want to lose him, and I would rather be remembered positively than negatively by him. But I won't remember him positively, so why does it matter? I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry ANYONE reading this had to go through abuse.

Finally, I did make the excuse about him being young, but I guess that really is the scariest part of all. He doesn't apologize. He doesn't want to change. He thinks what he does is right. He's not going to wake up one day because he turned 25 or 30 and realize what he did was wrong. I still don't know if anything will get through to him, but I think this is the only way.

.this made me chuckle Liverpool...I read your header...should I press charges...the answer is ALWAYS a resounding YESSSSS in my humble opinion

get the crazy m"|*&# F*()%r charged

L.L. ----

I just saw something
you wrote several days
ago:

I still don't know if anything will get through to him,


Hon . . . . . . .

I'm sorry to write this
but, with an infintessimal
percentage of exceptions,
NOTHING "gets through
to them."

The only way abusers change
is that they
INEVITABLY GET WORSE.

And considering that:

He has choked me so hard that my throat hurt for days, and more than once.

There isn't a whole lot of
margin for him to get worse
without actually killing you.