Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My boyfriend's brother is sick with pancreatic cancer. I am trying to be sensitive to the fact, but at the same time I am feeling very ignored. I had problems with dealing with my multiple rapes and alcoholism before his brother got sick. I did not feel my boyfriend was really there for me then and it made me even madder when I extended my self to him in the time of need and he didnt extend him self back. In fact, he told me he couldnt handle my problems and his right now. I respected it and walked away. Thursday night i couldnt take it anymore and i wrote him letters about how i feel he can be self absorbed at times. I went to bed and he woke me up questioning me about a box of chocolates i bought. he was asking where i got them and if someone gave them to me. I went up to bed and the next thing I know I hear a huge bang. He had smashed a hole in the wall in the bathroom, and my daughters room is across the hall. I jumped up and he is screaming how he cant take my bullshyt. I spent friday and the weekend at my mothers but i did call him and he didnt responde. Should I just call it quits now?
I don't really think whether he is there for you or not, emotionally, has any bearing on whether he is there for his dying brother. Of course he should be there for his brother, and I do believe that his brothers needs, and his families needs should come first at a time like this. If he isn't a good emotional support for you, then you should assess your relationship on that basis... not on the basis of whether he IS a good support for someone else. In fact... if he is able and capable of being supportive of some people, but not of you... well... thats more telling than if he was just supportive of no one, as if he just didn't know how to be.
It isn't for anyone else to decide whether you should call it quits. Only you know how the two of you are together.
I don't know if you have ever lost a sibling... but I do think that giving him a little lattitude to cope with some of his personal stuff without making it a deal breaker between the two of you could only be gracious.
You said that he wasn't really supportive of you in your dealing with multiple rapes and alcoholism... yet you stayed with him... why? Whatever your reason, it was your choice, and I don't really think its fair to pull out that card now and play it into the hand he is currently having to deal with... If his lack of support of you is an issue for you still, then I believe you should address it independant of the issue of his brothers cancer. Making the two seem related could just make you look like a shrew in his eyes.
If you do decide to leave him, I would suggest being very careful about introducing new 'daddys' to your daughter. It couldn't hurt to show her how strong a woman can be without a man for a while.
If you do call it quits, it might be a good idea to show your daughter how a strong woman can be happy without a man. Don't be too quick to introduce her to any new daddy's, ya know?
If he wasn't supportive during your rape and alcohol issues, I think you should examine your relationship in light of that. Whether he was unsupportive of you shouldn't mean he should be scorned for being supportive of his brother. I wouldn't connect the two... they are isolated and independant occurences, and to try to tie them together might just make you look like a shrew in his eyes. If anything, his ability to be supportive of SOMEONE should be an indicator to you... you decide what it indicates.
You did make the decision to stay with him despite his lack of emotional support. Only you know why you made that choice... but I don't think its fair for you to project your issues about that onto his issues with his brothers dying... Sometimes with things like that, ya just have to back off and remember that its not all about you and your relationship with him. I can understand his needing some space, and your needing space too. Decide what you need, and whether he provides that... and also whether you provide his needs...
As much as i believe you needed support in dealing with the things you have dealt with... I hope you don't ever find yourself in the position that he is in right now... on the brink of losing a family member and someone else laying out your shortcomings for you, about how you have failed them and are failing them now by being more concerned over a dying loved one than them....
the chocolates you bought... were they like gift box chocolates? do you often buy these types of chocolates for yourself? did some part of you know that he would think it was a gift from an admirer and bait him into a confrontation? don't answer... and i'm not accusing you... but I do know that plenty of women play these games and then stand there blinking widely with proclamations of innocence... because obviously there is no evidence of intent... and thats what makes it a 'game'\
only you know if you played it or not. it doesn't matter to me. all that matters is, IF you did... be honest with yourself.
Call your therapist and a good friend.
My sister was raped and I know how devastating that can be. But, twice? People often sink into despair for all of the complexities and alcohol makes it worse, so you're dealing with much more than the average person.
But, don't confuse all the issue or lump them together because everything will come crashing down. Before you know it, he'll be saying that you weren't there for him during his brother's illness.
Take a break and disconnect with love Keep writing your letters, but write them to yourself.
Are you living together? If so, maybe he should live elsewhere to concentrate on his grief through the illness in the hope that the time he has with his brother is really used for sharing last moments together without displaced anger and distractions.
Lastly, your daughter shouldn't have to experience any of this. Make sure your home is a FREE ZONE for her and not part of the tug of war.