Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I wrote him a letter today for self therapy after a PTSD trigger and I do not know what to do with it and I would value your insight..
Here is the letter:
You say you want me to heal. SO I try to talk to you about what I need from you to heal and you either start to talk over the top of meblame my dad or throw something else at me.basically you do or say anything to not look at yourself or your behavior.
My dad had nothing to do with every time I tried to talk to you about the things I was dealing with that you would yell at me or minimize my feelings.for example my grand mothers will.you would have been just fine with me having to accept the fact that my aunt was screwing me over so you could get $4000.00.you wanted the money and did not care what I had to go through to get it..however.after an argument you then went to an attorney with me and I thank you when I worked at countrywide I tried on numerous occasions to explain to you what I was dealing with(WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP) and all you would do is state that every one deals with junk at work. people who did not even know me could tell that I was dying on the inside and needed to get out of there and you told me that all I ever do is quitwhen I bring this up to you you tell me that I did not support you????????????? Excuse me how was that not supporting you?????????? Where were you when I needed you???????????
Oh that is right.you were with John and Yolanda they needed you to solve their problems but if I say this you get mad at me!!!!!!!! You are the one who got involved with them and caused damage to our marriage. and it would really be nice instead of the temper tantrums and everything else that you would just face it and stop trying to justify your unjustifiable behavior and say that what you did was wrong..
The times that you slammed on the brakes and threatened to leave me on the side of the road or call 911 on me were abusive controlling and demeaning to me and I did not do anything that justified that can kind of treatmentif you still feel that you had a right to treat me like that then it is you who needs help and not me.
Furthermore .you knew that John was abusing his wife.you know that word tell us to not be unequally yoked.you knew that I did not like her calling you and you did nothing to discourage nor stop it but when I did you and I were fine then after they had another one of their many temper tantrums you choose to take it out of me by screaming
at me at the top of your lungs.that was not my doing ..it was yours.
If you want this marriage to work then you need to deal with this by owning it!!!!!!
The only appropriate response from you to this letter is one of humility and apology for the damage you have done to me and to our marriage.not talking over the top of me telling me that you should record me so everyone could listen to how I sound..not telling me that (youre done (meaning me) or anything else these things hurt me..and if that was not enough you would gas light me to get me upset to try to make yourself look like a victimyou are a victim all right a victim of your own bad choices and outrageous behavior.
You would put your hands on the old house and point to it and would say with pride that that was your house and you could care less what I was going to do.
You told to get out of my own house when I could barely even comb my own hair.
You knew I was in depression you were the one who told me and instead of helping me like you promised you set me up to slam me down..over what .not wanting to live in Cooldige and not wanting to be abused by you because you were involved with an abuser who you clearly were not going to give up your relationship with.that is sick Pete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do not own that ..that was all you PETE not me so please just face it so we can move on.so I can trust you
Here is the letter:
You say you want me to heal. SO I try to talk to you about what I need from you to heal and you either start to talk over the top of meblame my dad or throw something else at me.basically you do or say anything to not look at yourself or your behavior.
My dad had nothing to do with every time I tried to talk to you about the things I was dealing with that you would yell at me or minimize my feelings.for example my grand mothers will.you would have been just fine with me having to accept the fact that my aunt was screwing me over so you could get $4000.00.you wanted the money and did not care what I had to go through to get it..however.after an argument you then went to an attorney with me and I thank you when I worked at countrywide I tried on numerous occasions to explain to you what I was dealing with(WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP) and all you would do is state that every one deals with junk at work. people who did not even know me could tell that I was dying on the inside and needed to get out of there and you told me that all I ever do is quitwhen I bring this up to you you tell me that I did not support you????????????? Excuse me how was that not supporting you?????????? Where were you when I needed you???????????
Oh that is right.you were with John and Yolanda they needed you to solve their problems but if I say this you get mad at me!!!!!!!! You are the one who got involved with them and caused damage to our marriage. and it would really be nice instead of the temper tantrums and everything else that you would just face it and stop trying to justify your unjustifiable behavior and say that what you did was wrong..
The times that you slammed on the brakes and threatened to leave me on the side of the road or call 911 on me were abusive controlling and demeaning to me and I did not do anything that justified that can kind of treatmentif you still feel that you had a right to treat me like that then it is you who needs help and not me.
Furthermore .you knew that John was abusing his wife.you know that word tell us to not be unequally yoked.you knew that I did not like her calling you and you did nothing to discourage nor stop it but when I did you and I were fine then after they had another one of their many temper tantrums you choose to take it out of me by screaming
at me at the top of your lungs.that was not my doing ..it was yours.
If you want this marriage to work then you need to deal with this by owning it!!!!!!
The only appropriate response from you to this letter is one of humility and apology for the damage you have done to me and to our marriage.not talking over the top of me telling me that you should record me so everyone could listen to how I sound..not telling me that (youre done (meaning me) or anything else these things hurt me..and if that was not enough you would gas light me to get me upset to try to make yourself look like a victimyou are a victim all right a victim of your own bad choices and outrageous behavior.
You would put your hands on the old house and point to it and would say with pride that that was your house and you could care less what I was going to do.
You told to get out of my own house when I could barely even comb my own hair.
You knew I was in depression you were the one who told me and instead of helping me like you promised you set me up to slam me down..over what .not wanting to live in Cooldige and not wanting to be abused by you because you were involved with an abuser who you clearly were not going to give up your relationship with.that is sick Pete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do not own that ..that was all you PETE not me so please just face it so we can move on.so I can trust you
Oh my gosh. This sounds so much like the letters I would write and write and . . . . .
It sounds like what you want, is to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work.
If you're with an abuser (and it sure sounds like you are), nothing will make the marriage work.
In your header, you ask if giving the letter is a waste of time.
In my opinion, it is.
It sounds like you're working at making the relationship work.
If your husband is an emotional abuser, you are wasting your precious time and energy.
I feel badly for sounding so gloomy here.
Abusers generally don't get "reached" with reason, pleas for understanding ---- or anything else. It's like they're running on a software program. Unless someone uninstalls the program and installs a different program, he'll continue doing what he's always done. The only way he's likely to change, is to get worse.
I'm sorry. I hope you take care of yourself, and make yourself your priority.
Ilene
I guess I am just think God can do anything but sometimes I wonder why I am still here and could I really be so dumb..... I will finish my A S in accounting in June and start my BS after towards getting my CPA....by then my kids will be about out of the house and then there really will not be anything holding me ........I just see the good and it is more good now then bad...but I just need to bad resolved and you can not make some one so any way......thanks for letting me rattle on and on
Love
D
I'm glad you're getting a degree that should lead to a good profession.
I'm glad there's more good than bad.
In my opinion, God wants us to be well and happy. My belief is that getting there depends on how we end up caring for the precious life we've been granted.
My feeling from your letter is that it was so like so many similar letters I wrote in the context of my then-marriage. I wrote and I wrote. We talked and we talked. We went to three marriage counselors. I tried and tried and tried. I can't tell you how many precious, irreplacable hours of my life I spent in endless "discussions."
The only thing that came of nearly twenty years of my life that I can never get back, is that I now have a first-hand understanding of what the inside of an emotionally abusive marriage looks like. It's not a healthy place.
I wish you all the best. Take good care.
Ilene
The very fact that you feel the need to 'write' it to him, means you can't 'say' it to him..and it also says that you know he hasn't listened before, or understood how you have felt, before, and that you feel very hurt and misunderstood, and are hoping that he will 'get it'..if you plead and explain enough?..
Sadly..he would never have hurt you so badly to begin with, if he understood what hurting you..meant?..and also sadly..you would not have such a need to spend so much energy on getting him to 'get it'..if he 'could' 'get it'??...
You have unresolved hurt, from having been abused..and you would like him to see that?..
We've all been there..Wishing, hoping, and pleading for them to see..how abusive they have been...But also, most of us have never had any restitution, because they deny, blame, and refuse to accept that they are bausive, and they also have been deliberately abusive..
Your 'hurt' was his aim...and you still hurting, is all good for him...
Do you think that someone who can really love, and who really loved you..could or would hurt you so terribly..and the refuse to see it or acknowledge your hurt?...Or not try to make amends?
You don't trust him..you can't 'make' him trustworthy...as he hasn't been..and you can write until you are blue in the face, and its unlikely you will ever be able to trust him.
Abusers don't 'own' their 'abuse'..They don't admit it..they don't try to make it up to you..
Also sadly, like you say..you can't 'make' him admit how badly he has treated you..
You need him to be sorry..but 'abusers' don't 'do' sorry...
Your hurt empowers them..and you looking for him to change that, or make it better, is, sorry to say, futile..
I remember you posting this same issue some time back..and how you could move on, if only he took responsilbility for his abuse of you?..
Still he hasn't, and still you are wishing for it?..
It wasn't you..you know that...He hurt you terribly..you know that..he's not sorry still, you know that..and he likely never will be..And writing to him, shows that in your pain, you still lie in hope of that..
Even when you know..hes not sorry, andlikely never will be...
They hurt you to gain control' over you, and you emotionally..and the longer you 'stay hurt'..the more and bigger payoff he gets..
Its up to you..can you take him as he is?..Someone who has seriously and deliberately hurt you, who knows he has, yet who refuses to ever admit it, or make it up to you?..
Is it really more good than bad?..When you are still very very hurt?..and have no trust in him?...
Only you can answer that..
But great that you are getting on with advancing yourself..as with an abuser, all we have, is trust in ourselves..and building on that..Is the very best thing you could do for yourself..
D