Just a quick posting. I won't go into all of the details (for anyone interested, I did post more in my journal for today), but I am a little off balance and unsure how to take this latest. Things have been pretty tense around here for a few weeks--the normal cycle, I can feel the tension coming to a head.
Friday night he decided that because of my "obviously not wanting to be with him anymore" (he's been googling it), and the fact that I always have an attitude, am picking a fight, and disrespecting him in front of the kids (ha.......) he is going to pack up his RV and just leave. I shouldn't worry about it, he will make sure his mom will help out with stuff the girls need "within reason" and he is sure he can get a job anywhere. He has plenty of money saved to take care of himself, blah blah blah. He was drinking again (which he hasn't done for a while) because I have him so mixed up and confused. He knows that since I am not getting what I need emotionally from him (like this is not something he has total control over) I am either already receiving it elsewhere or will be soon. He again, has been googling this. Of course he never went anywhere, he just kept me up until about 4 am with his constant why can't i just tell him what he should do, is it wrong to leave, etc. (Of course I couldn't tell him that I was praying he would....I am not stupid enough to think that wasn't what he wanted so he could justify losing his temper--after all I knew that would upset him especially when he was drinking).
My problem is that he is still acting "funny". We need to talk because we can't resolve anything, but the truth is I don't even know what the hell he wants to talk about. He doesn't make any sense to me when he goes on and on about my faults and how I am hurting him in this relationship. He doesn't really want to hear what I have to say, he either talks above me, interrupts, or ends up getting angry when I refuse to accept what he is saying or I am trying to express my opinion. I can listen to him now and hear every example of blocking, diverting, and every other abusive tactic in his conversations, but it honestly doesn't help me figure out how to get out of the situation. Telling him he is being abusive and controlling is not the best idea. Financially, I let him know (God I know better....) that I am currently in a hole yet again because of him. Our previous landlord is now garnishing my wages (nearly $700 per month) because everything was in my name. I told him that last week, which gave him this new tactic to use to "keep me in line". If he leaves I can't possibly afford the bills. Unfortunately for both of us, I just do not have it in me to give in to his terrorist tactics. I can't beg and pretend that I actually want him here, the best I can give him is that I am not asking him to leave--that is his decision to make and he has to do what is best for him. That is obviously not good enough because he is still moping around waiting for another moment to attack. I can see it; of course nothing has been resolved in his mind because he hasn't won the war yet. I'm not stupid!
My problem is I have never seen him (in 17 years) this calm and "rational" acting. (I know he is delusional and irrational in reality, but his behavior is very calm and rational). It scares the hell out of me because I am not sure what is coming next. Any advice? Has anyone ever had this experience?