Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So since my wife said she would change since I asked for a divorce she has been ok. However I think the years of dealing with her ways has worn me out and for the last few weeks despite her being nice I can't return the affection like she would want. I know for one we will back to where we were in just a matter of time and two I just don't love her anymore. She said to me the other day that marriage is a constant process of falling in and out of love. Is this true? Then this morning she said she had a vivid dream of me asking for divorce again. She sulaid "don't make me have those dreams." is she manipulating me yet again?
Promises to change and then 'appears' to for a few hours, a day, a week, maybe even a month.
Blames YOU for things she is responsible for (like her dreaming about divorce)
Uses everyday things (like her dream) to deflect and project her crap onto you.
Her definition of marriage may be true for her, but it's not true for the majority of people. Besides we really don't "fall in love." If anything, love would grow over time and marriage is a constant process of working together as a team to deal w/whatever life brings you.
Love is an action verb. And actions speak louder than words. And her blaming you for her dreams is a subtle form of abuse.
Yes she is more than likely manipulating you.
In a marriage, you don't fall in and out of love. Each person puts 100% of themselves into their marriage, something abusers simply cannot do. Like MTC said, actions speak louder than words.
She's an abuser doing her thing.
EVERYTHING she does
is an attempted manipulation.
Constant manipulation is
abuse.
No one is expected to
"keep falling in love"
with someone who
has, is and will
constantly abuse them.
Take good care of you
Even if she is fearing that you want a divorce, that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If she didn't want to push you away, then she should not have abused you. Abuse kills intimacy.
I think she said the thing about the "constant process" as an attempt to justify the instability she causes, and she`s wrong. Mine also told me that "all couples argue". Why? Because he liked provoking arguments all the time and wanted me to accept his "reality" as mine so he could keep right on with his abuse.
If you don`t love her any more, you just don`t. And I think everyone here would agree that those feelings are very understandable.
Hope this helps...
And, culturally, I was told countless times, by friends and family (mine, too!!!), that all guys are like that, or have something.
Even my therapist said that the grass is not greener, and that at least I know the shortcomings of my husband, versus the unknown shortcomings of someone else. I just about came unhinged at her, and told that is she says this to someone abused, that "the grass isn't greener", she could push someone into suicide!
Anything is better than the daily abuse, sorry...
I stayed with my husband, for now, and I don't know if my feelings will ever return for him, and let me tell you, it is a Herculean task, every day...I like it when I am away from him, and dread the moments when he wants to become intimate. very difficult lifestyle, even though he has improved a lot...
WE believe you! The reason we believe you is that know abuse when we see it, and you're wife is just a textbook case of an abuser. We also know the truth that ANYONE can be abused-and it does not have to do with gender, or age, or race, or income, or ANY other demographic you can think of, because abusers come in all shapes and sizes, and they are all cut from the same cloth, do the same crap with the same results.
Don't trust ANYTHING she says. She will say anything to maintain control. You deserve better.