Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
A friend and I yesterday were discussing setting up boundaries. I always found it rather difficult to do. Growing up I stayed quiet on things that were that were being done to be for fear of being beaten up by my Mom if I said anything. I learned how to be a silent child.
Looking back at my life I see that I never set boundaries with anyone. I honestly didn't know how. I think subconsciously I sought out those who had no boundaries for how they treated me. I also had no tools in how to handle speaking up for myself. Either I felt pain and devastated or anger. Most times I put up with it not realizing I actually had a choice.
I am a kind and generous person. I see now how I was walked all over and taken advantage of just so who ever was doing the using was happy even at my own expense.
Change is a difficult thing. I've been tested everyway possible lately. I am not sure when my breaking point happened. Probably when my hand was cut open by the ex bf. Not to minimize in any way at all....but what I have lived thru in my life that was minor in comparison. But I think its the thing that made me snap and say NO MORE.
I'm learning now. Better late then never as they say. I'm not finding it that difficult anymore. I'm doing what I want...if it feels good ok...if it doesn't I'm not. No more in-between.
It hurt severing the tie with my married son more then the others. I clearly see now he knew just when to strike and use me for anything he wanted. I was so busy trying to save the "addicts" that he appeared to be the golden child who made life easy for me. He was the biggest manipulator then the rest. It kills me to walk away because I miss my granddaughter more then anything in this world. But she is a package deal with the parents who have no boundaries.
I can't say I'm lonely. I don't even feel anger anymore. I think I am moving toward acceptance.
I don't think I will allow anyone to cross the boundaries I am setting up anymore...and if I do I think I will catch it a lot sooner and change it.
Looking back at my life I see that I never set boundaries with anyone. I honestly didn't know how. I think subconsciously I sought out those who had no boundaries for how they treated me. I also had no tools in how to handle speaking up for myself. Either I felt pain and devastated or anger. Most times I put up with it not realizing I actually had a choice.
I am a kind and generous person. I see now how I was walked all over and taken advantage of just so who ever was doing the using was happy even at my own expense.
Change is a difficult thing. I've been tested everyway possible lately. I am not sure when my breaking point happened. Probably when my hand was cut open by the ex bf. Not to minimize in any way at all....but what I have lived thru in my life that was minor in comparison. But I think its the thing that made me snap and say NO MORE.
I'm learning now. Better late then never as they say. I'm not finding it that difficult anymore. I'm doing what I want...if it feels good ok...if it doesn't I'm not. No more in-between.
It hurt severing the tie with my married son more then the others. I clearly see now he knew just when to strike and use me for anything he wanted. I was so busy trying to save the "addicts" that he appeared to be the golden child who made life easy for me. He was the biggest manipulator then the rest. It kills me to walk away because I miss my granddaughter more then anything in this world. But she is a package deal with the parents who have no boundaries.
I can't say I'm lonely. I don't even feel anger anymore. I think I am moving toward acceptance.
I don't think I will allow anyone to cross the boundaries I am setting up anymore...and if I do I think I will catch it a lot sooner and change it.
a little at a time, sometimes
in places with people who
don't seem all that critical.
But once you get the feel
of it, and then keep practicing
it, it get to feel more natural.
Also, if you regularly
practice SELF-CARE,
setting boundaries is
[1] just a natural
extension of that, and
[2] becomes more
important every day
because you become
increasingly INtolerant
of disrespect from others.
There's a great book (an easy read) by Cheryl Richardson, The Art of Extreme Self Care. It's designed to be done one short chapter at a time. I know some people who work on one a month, so they have completed the book in a year.
Its about organizing your life and that includes setting boundaries. My favorite chapters are called "Let Me Disappoint You." :-D And The Absolute No List. This chapter, even tho it's not specifically about boundaries, I see it as exactly that. Its about personal boundaries that we set for ourselves. And that's a really good place to start & practice setting boundaries.
And, the cool thing about boundaries, is if it doesn't work, we just start again. And if we need to, we can change our minds and try different boundaries.
You are a brave women whose made some difficult choices because you need to do that for yourself--you can't "save" others until you learn healthy boundaries (and even then the best you can do is lead by example and offer support, which sometimes makes the difference for someone else). I know these insights and sacrifices are hard to accept and they hurt. But at least these realizations put you in such a better place to heal than you ever were before. You can't change what you're not even aware of. These are significant steps on your journey! Make sure you appreciate how awesome you are for having taken these steps!
I struggle with this...but am taking care of myself. And you are right If I slip I can always start again. It has been overwhelming because I had to put a screeching stop to it all at once. They were killing me.
I sat on the beach today. I didn't think about anything but just me. What I wanted to do later today...what I wanted to eat...etc. And the best part of all this...is I can do whatever I want. I only have to answer to myself. Feels so good.
Me. Not used to good stuff