Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know - marriage counselling. There's a lot I"m learning from it.
Not good things, naturally.
It's been two weeks since our last session. We'd been getting along fairly well, watching tv, interacting with the kids. The court threw off the schedule (and the cycle).
SO I tell them I'm in a pretty good place. I was.
Then it's my wife's turn. She tells them that she was upset because I didn't come help with the kids over the weekend, when I knew she wasn't feeling well. Well, I actually did, I just took time for me, too.
Takes em 5 minutes to drag out of her that, no, once again, she did not ask me for any help. And she's upset that I didn't volunteer my help. She wants to be sought after, wants me to want to spend time with her. She's just tired and wants some help. And she wants me to spend some quality time with the kids, too.
I stopped her there. Said 'ok. The time I do or do not spend with the children is my own responsibility. I'm hearing that she wanted me to spend time with the kids, but I"m really hearing that she wanted time off. The fact that she would completely cut herself out of a request , make it all about my relationship with the kids is completely out of bounds.' That's a little game I'm learning is called triangulation.
That argument took about 2/3 of our session. Then I brought up the fact that I had learned she had been reading my email, and following me here. I spotted several holes in her story - I know they thought I was simply being aggressive for pointing them out, but damn it, I don't care anymore. For instance, they asked her what she hoped to gain by reading the emails. She responded that she wanted to know if I had been lying to her still. I responded 'and you learned what?' She responded 'that you were undecided about if you wanted a relationship with me.'
I said 'really? What an amazing thing - I thought that moving out in anger because you had been reading my emails without permission, among other reasons, plus teliing you 'I want to find out the truth about what's best for all of us involved ' would have clued you in on that. So basically, you're saying that the emails proved to you exactly what I had been saying to you all along, you just didn't like them.
They called me on being a bit defensive then. One pointed out that I needed to understand where she was coming from - that sometimes people feel backed into corners, and then they have to do stuff they ordinarily wouldn't do.
I raised a finger and said 'Chose. Sorry - you said 'had' to do. The correct word is chose.'
She responded 'well, yes, but sometimes, those needs are so strong that...'
I interuupted and said 'But they still remain choices.'
She followed up with 'Well, look at it this way - is it a good choice when you cut yourself?'
I said 'no, but it remains a choice. I do not have to cut myself. She cannot make me cut myself. I've been working very hard on owning the responsibility for that choice, and I do not feel it unreasonable to expect that she be bound to the same standards.'
They both admitted that was a good point.
The whole session was just such a whirlwind of 'he never seeks me out, and I just want him to...' 'I want him to be a good dad, and spend time with the kids...' 'We spend time together, but it's just surface, no depth (a month ago, that was what you WANTED!).' 'I can't ask for what I want, he's going to reject my requests. How do I know? Because he always does.' 'I just feel like he isn't cutting me any breaks - I've admitted I have control issues, now he keeps complaining about them, and calling them abusive.'
Gah!
Finally one of them commented 'I can see that your walls have been locked in place tight for about 15 minutes now.' I said 'Yup, because she's been hitting me with attack after attack and wave of guilt after wave of guilt.'
'Now, she's responsible for her own feelings, and just because she feels a certain way, doesn't mean you need to feel guilty for it.'
Yeah, explain that to her
Honeymoon's over. It's kind of a relief, really.
I'm not confused. My plans are still set, I'm still gathering information on my set timetable. But it's sure nice to be able to vent to folks who understand and can spot the bullchit.
On the plus side, I had my first meeting with my book club - there were only three of us, but they were folks I didn't know well in college, and they welcomed me warmly, with hugs, and laughter. We talked about the book, swapped stories, drank wine... It was a wonderful experience.
Not good things, naturally.
It's been two weeks since our last session. We'd been getting along fairly well, watching tv, interacting with the kids. The court threw off the schedule (and the cycle).
SO I tell them I'm in a pretty good place. I was.
Then it's my wife's turn. She tells them that she was upset because I didn't come help with the kids over the weekend, when I knew she wasn't feeling well. Well, I actually did, I just took time for me, too.
Takes em 5 minutes to drag out of her that, no, once again, she did not ask me for any help. And she's upset that I didn't volunteer my help. She wants to be sought after, wants me to want to spend time with her. She's just tired and wants some help. And she wants me to spend some quality time with the kids, too.
I stopped her there. Said 'ok. The time I do or do not spend with the children is my own responsibility. I'm hearing that she wanted me to spend time with the kids, but I"m really hearing that she wanted time off. The fact that she would completely cut herself out of a request , make it all about my relationship with the kids is completely out of bounds.' That's a little game I'm learning is called triangulation.
That argument took about 2/3 of our session. Then I brought up the fact that I had learned she had been reading my email, and following me here. I spotted several holes in her story - I know they thought I was simply being aggressive for pointing them out, but damn it, I don't care anymore. For instance, they asked her what she hoped to gain by reading the emails. She responded that she wanted to know if I had been lying to her still. I responded 'and you learned what?' She responded 'that you were undecided about if you wanted a relationship with me.'
I said 'really? What an amazing thing - I thought that moving out in anger because you had been reading my emails without permission, among other reasons, plus teliing you 'I want to find out the truth about what's best for all of us involved ' would have clued you in on that. So basically, you're saying that the emails proved to you exactly what I had been saying to you all along, you just didn't like them.
They called me on being a bit defensive then. One pointed out that I needed to understand where she was coming from - that sometimes people feel backed into corners, and then they have to do stuff they ordinarily wouldn't do.
I raised a finger and said 'Chose. Sorry - you said 'had' to do. The correct word is chose.'
She responded 'well, yes, but sometimes, those needs are so strong that...'
I interuupted and said 'But they still remain choices.'
She followed up with 'Well, look at it this way - is it a good choice when you cut yourself?'
I said 'no, but it remains a choice. I do not have to cut myself. She cannot make me cut myself. I've been working very hard on owning the responsibility for that choice, and I do not feel it unreasonable to expect that she be bound to the same standards.'
They both admitted that was a good point.
The whole session was just such a whirlwind of 'he never seeks me out, and I just want him to...' 'I want him to be a good dad, and spend time with the kids...' 'We spend time together, but it's just surface, no depth (a month ago, that was what you WANTED!).' 'I can't ask for what I want, he's going to reject my requests. How do I know? Because he always does.' 'I just feel like he isn't cutting me any breaks - I've admitted I have control issues, now he keeps complaining about them, and calling them abusive.'
Gah!
Finally one of them commented 'I can see that your walls have been locked in place tight for about 15 minutes now.' I said 'Yup, because she's been hitting me with attack after attack and wave of guilt after wave of guilt.'
'Now, she's responsible for her own feelings, and just because she feels a certain way, doesn't mean you need to feel guilty for it.'
Yeah, explain that to her
Honeymoon's over. It's kind of a relief, really.
I'm not confused. My plans are still set, I'm still gathering information on my set timetable. But it's sure nice to be able to vent to folks who understand and can spot the bullchit.
On the plus side, I had my first meeting with my book club - there were only three of us, but they were folks I didn't know well in college, and they welcomed me warmly, with hugs, and laughter. We talked about the book, swapped stories, drank wine... It was a wonderful experience.
About her wanting to be 'sought out', I'll tell you a funny story.
Once on the way back from a trip, my husband and I were in a train station, a busy one. I needed the bathroom so left him in the main shopping area and went. When I came out, I spent ages looking for his jacket that he had been wearing, but couldn't see the colour of it anywhere. Finally, I caught sight of his face. He had taken the jacket off.
When I reached him, he said, "It took you five minutes to find me." He had been standing there watching me struggle the whole time! I had even walked outside the station and come back in, and he STILL didn't come over to meet me! His reason? He wants others to come to him; he does not go to them. In other words, entitlement.
There is no pleasing some people. And whatever you get told in counselling, her control issues ARE abusive. Abuse is all about power and control.
Nice to hear you had a great book club meeting. You deserve a break :)
Thinking of you.
That is kind of a funny story - dark funny, and shudderingly abusive, but you're right. It's the 'me' mentality. 'I should be pursued' - no thought of if she is behaving like someone who merits pursuit.
It's so frustrating - I see what she's doing, I call her on it, and I still don't know the best choice of action to pursue. It still feels like a choice between being a heel or a pet. Kind of a common choice I face, really. I'm just getting better at being the heel, instead of always choosing pet.
My husband, who has yet to go to his first therapy session, already suggested couple's counseling and could not understand why I refused. I didn't even hesitate, just said "nope!" I wanted to say "let's see if you can even go to one appointment on your own!!!!"
But I really believe if he is serious about his changing then he has to do that on his own, I don't plan on reminding him or whatever.
I will admit, it's exhausting at times, though. If I were stronger, I'd just file for divorce and be done with it, but I'm still waiting for that 'right time', I fear. I'm safe, I'm moved out, we're both healing, the kids are stable, I've got other legal problems... There's just no reason why I HAVE to do it. Which makes it hard to do.