Hard session yesterday. I apologize for keeping a running total here.

I stood up, metaphorically speaking.

I made the point that I felt like if she had a half tank of gas left after taking care of the kids, she would reach out and gather more kids. The three up the street are very close to her. So no matter what I did or didn't do, she would burn herself out, and be exhausted. And then when I come home exhausted, she expects me to do the work, to take over for her, when she made the choice to exhaust herself in the first place. And if I don't, the resentment, blame, and yelling starts. And if I do, I don't do it her way, and the resentment, blame, and yelling starts.

Even the councellor mentioned it sounded to her like she wanted a second her, and not a me. Also mentioned that her desire for getting me back wasn't really working toward the immediate goal of self-improvement, and that it was clear to them that I was working diligently towards that goal. That felt nice.

It decended into an analysis of her parenting habits, but I got in several strengths of my own. The kids listen to me when I tell them to go entertain themselves, because I stand firm by those boundaries.

I said 'I feel like I deserve a wife that will make me a priority, and reserve some energy for me, rahter than expend it ALL on the kids.'

In the car on the way back, she expressed to me 'I feel ignored. You spend all your time talking with Tammy (the one person who is actually supportive, when I can get ahold of her). I commented 'so... you feel jealous of her?' She said 'No, I feel ignored. I would like it if you spoke to me more often than you do. I can't demand that you speak to me more often than you speak to her, but I can ask that you speak to me more often.'

I said 'The problem I have with 'ignored' is that it can only be resolved by my changing my behavior. it's blaming me for your feelings. If you felt jealous, or lonely, or isolated, those would be things that are centered in you. Ignored can only be solved by me not ignoring you. Which doesn't take into consideration my preferences.'

At the tail end of session, she commented that she was tired of the being the one pursuing me, and that she wanted to feel pursued. She expressed 'I would like it if you asked me out on a date, because you don't pursue me.' Even the councellor tagged her on that - 'that last parting shot is blaming him, and it's going to put him on the defensiv. It lets you feel less vulnerable, but it's not going to help you get what you want by putting him on the spot like that.'

I said 'I can't do it this week.' The councellor said 'it might be considerate to let her know why. Because you're busy?' I said 'yes, because I'm busy. And also... because I want to be safe and cautious. I want the time we spend together to be good time, and the more time we spend together right now, the greater the chances of bad time occuring. I don't expect it to be perfect time, but I want to be cautious, and do everything I can to make sure that the good time is there, and there's as little bad time as possible. So, No. Not this week.'

They said 'That sounds like a reasonable and wise caution, especially with how sensitive you both are right now. Kristen, it may be that this is just something that you'll have to follow his lead on. Can you do that?'

She said 'No.' And our time was up.

It's still hard to stand up and assret myself, particularly when it comes to my wants over hers, or identifying what I feel is abusive behavior. i understand that she doesn't want to think of herself as abusive, and so therefore any time I even mention it, she will feel attacked. And then she will accuse me of attacking her. But I'm not.

Thanks for reading my wall of text, if you made it this far. Until later.