I'll just add some things that have really upset me and I haven't received an apology for in my 35 years here on this earth.

1) when her best friend died she took on her kids, not inviting them to live with us even tho my best friend, her best friends son, was homeless and had to move in with people he didn't like at age 15. She would spend more time with them and left us all out to dry.

2) I developed anorexia around this time as well as hair pulling. Both very noticeable to the eye but no help was offered to overcome either.

3) I got pregnant at a young age and with some pressure from her and a primise to always be there for me whenever I needed I chose abortion. Seriously the first fight we got into, not long after I had the abortion, she yelled "why don't you go get yourself knocked up again you little bitch"

4) she excluded me from when my grandma was dying, would even drive me to the memorium that she knew full well I wouldn't be able to get to without a ride. She excluded me from other stuff going on during her passing as well but I'm ok with because it was nothing but drama.

5) this one cuts like a knife because I love my dad so much, he legit is the most sane one and caring one in my whole family. She told him he wasn't my father while I was in the same room. I've had constant doubt ever since as I'm the only blonde haired blue eyed and fair complexion in the family. The rest are all brown hair brown eyes.

You've heard from me before saying I have similar issues with my mother (although my mother is more subtle). In my opinion, your mother is not going to change. She has serious issues of her own and since she's probably not dealing with them, she's going to continue to act out on you.

My mother also badmouths me to others, but there's nothing you can do about that. Just go on with your own life, hopefully get counseling so you can heal from the abuse, and don't subject your kids to her poison.

The hardest part for me, was trying to explain to people about what was missing. The direct insults were/are easier to deal with. But unless you've NEVER had support...you just don't "get it".

Oh and you're NOT sensitive or a brat!

Honestly hon, your mother sounds awful-I am so sorry you'e endured this from her.

IMHO-yes, she is certainly abusive and this is a toxic relationship between the two of you. You are not a brat-you get provoked and you react, sometimes in ways you are not proud of. It is very difficult not to react when provoked and sometimes the best thing we can do is NOT put ourselves in positions where someone's provoking us like that.

The comments about your house bother you-you ask her to stop and try and draw a boundary there and she stomps all over it.

I personally would call what she is doing with your kids-putting one on a pedestal and making the other one the villain is abusive. I've actually noticed this pattern in a lot of abusive parents. I think it may be just another way to maintain power and control, because then she kinda gets to define your children's role and stand back and see how everyone reacts-will you get upset, will child A work harder to get her approval, will child B lord it over child A-all that set in motion by her. How grand for her. IDK-it's super duper crappy anyway.

This question here you asked here: Why I am not respected enough to deserve healthy boundaries set for my own piece of mind baffles me.

Answered your own questions about whether or not you are a brat who is oversensitive to your mother. The question holds the answer. Lets see.....what type of person has no respect for others autonomy and ability to create their own boundaries.......ah, that's right-an abuser!

"Every single time my mom and I talked on the phone I always walk away shaking my head, empty and vulnerable. She has that effect on me and it stems back to childhood but the emptiness didn't stop once I developed new relationships."

Please consider what you are saying above-because that is a pretty serious thing you said there and it might help to stay with that a little bit. Any relationship which makes you feel so low-you are in because..........??? I'm sure there are reasons I just don't know if you ever really examined and questioned them. If you are feeling more empty and attacked than getting anything positive, for yourself, out of this relationship, why continue it? I'm afraid you will never get fulfillment out of this relationship with your mother, only more pain. That hole cannot be filled that way. You deserve to have relationships free from constant emotional jabs and manipulations. I'm cringing just reading it-it makes me feel like fleeing the computer to get away from YOUR mother! She has no right to treat you that way-you have a right to feel emotionally safe.

And as for the rest of your list:

2) I developed anorexia around this time as well as hair pulling. Both very noticeable to the eye but no help was offered to overcome either.

Not providing treatment for physical problems of children is abuse-legally, morally-just about any way anyone wants to look at it clearly abuse.

3) I got pregnant at a young age and with some pressure from her and a primise to always be there for me whenever I needed I chose abortion. Seriously the first fight we got into, not long after I had the abortion, she yelled "why don't you go get yourself knocked up again you little bitch"

I am so sorry you had this experience. This fits into a larger pattern of abusive behaviors with your mother.

4) she excluded me from when my grandma was dying, would even drive me to the memorium that she knew full well I wouldn't be able to get to without a ride. She excluded me from other stuff going on during her passing as well but I'm ok with because it was nothing but drama.

Classic abuser move here, read about abusers doing this kind of thing all the time too. If she knew your grandmother was important to you-what a better way of bringing home who has the power and control between the two of you then barring your access to her during such a terrible time.

5) this one cuts like a knife because I love my dad so much, he legit is the most sane one and caring one in my whole family. She told him he wasn't my father while I was in the same room. I've had constant doubt ever since as I'm the only blonde haired blue eyed and fair complexion in the family. The rest are all brown hair brown eyes.

Another classic abuser move. What a great way of turning everyone's world upside down-you know how those abusers love to keep their victims off balance. You will never learn the truth about your birth father and whether he was the same man who raised you from your mother because abuser's lie if it will produce the effect they're going for-because all they care about is power and control-not truth.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes your mother is abusive-this is a toxic relationship. May I ask, have you considered No Contact with this awful woman?

Thank you, your responses are all very validating. I asked for some space to work on myself but haven't decided anything permanent. My son is upset with her for not calling for a bday wish. When I explained that their grandma and I are figuring some stuff out and I'm sorry this is affecting them he just said "wow, that shouldn't matter". I really agree. I'm mad with my mom, it didn't stop me from wishing my dad a happy Father's Day.

I'm scared of looking and sounding like an entitled brat, I guess it's hard to differentiate between missing the love I felt I lacked, on one hand she probably is just doing what she was taught but on the other hand it truly feels like she doesn't love me and most importantly doesn't respect me.

I don't want to make any final decisions because who knows what life will bring but as it stands I regretfully will admit I haven't missed her one iota which does prove I need time to work on myself. Thanks again.

Your confusion-the constant questioning of your own feelings, thoughts and needs-all hallmarks of abuse. It stems largely from the whole crazy-making abusers like to do, invalidating our perceptions and turning them upside down. Always sending a message that our feelings are wrong-or that we have no right to feel that way or think that.

Every single feeling you have is fine. More than fine. If you feel like you didn't get and don't get the love and respect you deserve then clearly you did not and are not. You didn't feel it you didn't get it. Feeling loved is the most natural thing in the world-we all know what we feel like when people are kind and respectful, and we know how it feels when they are not-despite their intentions. You don't FEEL intentions, you feel the consequences of someone's actions. These feelings are shouting at you important information, and although they are uncomfortable and painful it is to motivate you to make changes. That is their purpose. Your pain and confusion hold gifts, so please don't turn away from them too soon.

What your mother was taught both matters and doesn't matter at the same time. It may offer some insight into why she is the way she is, but at the same time many people endure abusive childhoods, or poor parenting and don't repeat that within their own families. Like yourself, working hard not to do the same things to your boys that your mother did to you. But something within your mother made the CHOICE to continue a multi-generational cycle of abuse instead. She made a different choice than you. And the choices she made harmed you, and are still harming you. That's her bag, her issues, her responsibility to heal. But you have choices now you didn't have a child in dealing with her, and I wish you the best in deciding which choices are good for YOU and your boys. Always someone here to validate, support and offer perspective. ((Hugs))

Thank you so much. This has been enlightening for sure. This decision to go no contact is becoming a little easier. When I'm ready I'm going to write a final email to let her know where I stand and wish her well. I'm going to miss my mom but not the person she is, if that makes any sense. I feel like maybe I should lay it all out on the table and at least give her one more chance but I'm not ready for that until I'm able to fully see the whole situation and trust myself not to get hurt. Ideally it would be nice to speak occasionally via email and maybe a call here and there but as it stands right now, it's best we part ways so no one gets hurt anymore. Who knows, maybe she's lived this lie for so long she actually believes she did the best she could. All I know is it's time to focus on myself and my own family relationships and make sure the abuse stops now. I've caught myself yelling at my boys in the same manner she did, not the personal insults but def let them know I'm mad, so I need to work on that and never make them feel scared or unable to trust me. I'm so excited to work on myself and hope she does the same But if not oh well that's her issue, you're right. Thanks so much!!!

This thread has been helpful for me, too, in my constant inner conflict over how much contact to have with my mother and questioning of my right to establish safe boundaries for myself. I blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with her without adverse effects.

I don't think people like my mother or yours usually work on themselves. I think they are so very insecure that to admit a fault or a wrong to another would cause their whole castle of false self-image to crumble, and they couldn't bear that. So it all HAS to be our fault, and they HAVE to be the innocent victim. Sucks for us! There seems no other solution besides arms-length or abject surrender.

Donna, people do hurtful things we get hurt-it has nothing to do with how strong someone is. We can think about our emotional pain as working the same way our physical pain does. If someone were to put a flame to your arm it would hurt like heckfire. That physical pain has a purpose-it sends a message to your brain that something damaging to your skin is occurring and you have to move your arm away from that flame. Emotional pain is the same-someone hurts you and you feel it-so you can take measures to protect yourself. If you weren't hurt when someone does something hurtful then I'd be a little worried about you. Getting your feelings hurt when people are cruel is normal, instinctive, automatic, and healthy-not weakness.

You have endured it. You have survived it. And you haven't been made into a monster by it-you've retained some essence of who you are. That sounds like strength to me!

I agree, if anyone causes you to feel hurt in any manner it's healthy to remove yourself from it. With physical it's so much easier because it's visible to the eye, there is concrete proof of the injury. With emotional pain it's harder, especially when the person hurting you does it in a "loving" manner and in subtle ways, it causes a lot of confusion and a lot of over analyzing and second guessing. You have no proof of injury because you aren't inside that persons mind seeing the motives. That's why you have to go with how you feel and trust your intuition. That's what I'm doing is trusting the physical feelings throughout my body caused by what she's doing. 9.9 times out of 10 intentions are so easy to see. It's only with my mom and sister that I ever question motive. That says a lot in itself.

Hi Jenny007!

You most definitely are not a sensitive brat, my dear. You are trying to do what's best for you, and I applaud you. Stay strong, and I will keep you in my prayers, Hugss

Thanks :) and you're in mine too.