Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As most of you know I have filed for divorce and am looking forward to a new life without him controlling me and all the other terrible things within the marriage that I have put up with for way too long.Now I really struggle with self esteem and self image issues. I believe that are due to all the emotional abuse from all of the years of being married to him.A person whom was suppose to love me,who has for 25 years belittled me, made fun of me in everything.He has compared me to other women,and I was always the one that needed to change to be more like the other women.As I look back on our past when we were first married .I was young and pretty,I had a lot of guys that wanted to date me and I had a good life.But met him and married, of course you all know how that is ,he was so loving interesting completely into me at the time, I was so taking by all the attention.But then as soon as we started having children he got jealous of them and the abuse started. Oh it was subtle at first I really had no idea that was what it was.But looking back, I know that it absolutely was.So now I feel so ugly, used up, unworthy,as if no one will ever have anything to do with me.I hate my body! I have gained weight over the years after having the kids.Which I do attribute to being married to a control freak alcoholic! Whom belittles me, curses me relentlessly, and other things too.But I will have to say that all of these years have taken such a toll on me physically and mentally too. I really don't even know how to explain it.I feel so awful about myself and I don't know how to get better either.I feel very good about my filing for the divorce and the thought of being away from him is exciting.But I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person I am looking at.I am so ashamed of myself, I look terrible, I feel terrible, I feel like I've been broken and there is no going back, or getting better from the years of damage that has been done.Have any of you felt this way and if so how did you get over the self hatred? I know that the way I feel is self defeating to me,but I don't know how to stop.I have been going to a counselor 1 time a week but I may not have told him about how terrible I feel about myself.Actually he is trying to help, but I kinda feel worse because he has me doing the 12 step program which I have just started because I have lived with the alcoholic so long that I have to do this process to get better from being a codependant spouse.So this processes is making me feel more guilty for staying and allowing the years of abuse.Though at the time I didn't feel I had any control over him abusing me I felt trapped with no way out but apparently I was wrong and I had a hand in allowing him that control over me which in turn was a problem I had too,A control issue of mine that I was trying to keep the peace by putting up with the abuse.Right now even the counselling seems too much for me, because it sure isn't making me feel any better. Though I'm sure it is for my own good.I may be rambling and not making much since but I hope you can understand what I have been trying to say.I need to know how I can possible get some sort of self worth back so I can be a productive Mom and person .
I was only with my recent ex for about 6 years, but I have suffered emotional abuse pretty much my entire life, from family and then in all of my serious relationships. So I have also suffered many, many years and by the time I was 40 (3 and a half years ago now) my self-worth was so low that the only real option I saw was to kill myself. If it hadn't been for my baby boy, I may well have done so because I didn't see much point in hanging around - wasn't like anyone else wanted me around, wasn't like anyone else loved or valued me. Blah blah blah.
3 and a half years later, I'm here to say you CAN heal, you CAN learn to love yourself, value yourself and truly cherish yourself, with your flaws and your virtues, as a whole and wonderfully unique package. It takes time and a lot of work. If you don't think your therapist is working for you, find another. I have to say that, for me, what you describe is one of the reasons I really don't like the "codependent" theory. To me, it seems to put too much blame on the victim for "allowing" the abuse. I never allowed my abusers to abuse, I just didn't have the tools or the understanding to make it stop. I didn't know that I couldn't make it stop by being kinder, more understanding, more loving, more ... whatever. And so, far from "allowing" the abuse, I did everything I knew to make it stop. I had no idea I was starting from a false premise.
Sure, I made mistakes and I did things I am not and don't deserve to be proud of. Some of those things were based on that mistaken premise, and some of them were just me reacting inappropriately. I'm not perfect, and I own my responsibility for what I have done and not done. But I'll not take responsibility for having "allowed" myself to be abused. I was a small child when it started - what on earth can a small child do to "disallow" the abuse?
And in my relationships ... well the first one I didn't even recognise what it was, it was so subtle. And so I blamed myself for feeling bad, I wondered if I had mental problems. When it became something I could clearly see (when he was cheating on me), I did walk away from it. But that just left me even lower, because I didn't deal with the real causes but just once again blamed myself - if I were "better" somehow, he wouldn't have had to cheat on me. False premise again, but in no way did I "allow" it. And so on.
So after my own long winded ramble (lol) the short point is don't beat yourself up over having "allowed" and therefore being at fault for the abuse. It was NOT your fault, you did NOT do it to yourself. What you DID do is have the courage to face it when you realised what was going on and the strength to walk away. That deserves great kudos and a huge pat on the back, not yet another put down as it having been your fault anyway for staying and "allowing" it.
But wait there's more. Some practical things you can do to help rebuild your self-worth. Firstly, do at least one thing each day just for you that makes you feel good. Whether it's going out for a coffee, a walk in the park, exercising, eating a special treat, a long bubble bath, painting your nails, a hobby - whatever makes YOU feel good.
Next, take really good care of yourself. I also used to look in the mirror and see only ugliness. So I worked a little harder on my appearance. I'm never gonna be a glamour queen, it's just not who I am, nor is it who I want to be, so I was never going to be spending hours in the bathroom each day on hair and makeup. But I just paid a little more attention. And I got myself a few new clothes that I really liked and which I thought showed me off a bit better than the frumpy wear I'd been in for so long. As you feel a bit better about yourself, you will find yourself smiling just a little more and that makes ALL the difference. A few months after I got away from my ex, I had people regularly telling me just how much better I looked. And that fed on it and made me feel a bit better again, which made me look a bit better and so on.
And finally, every night, think of a few things to be grateful for in the day - whether it's something small like a flower you spotted at the side of the road, or something huge like your kids. And also congratulate yourself for whatever you have achieved that day, don't stress too much about what you have NOT achieved, but focus on what you have.
So if you feel that your counselor is not helping, by all means, find one who specializes in abuse and who does not go down the 12 step codependent route. Maybe you can try that later on when you are feeling better about yourself, but sometimes, I wonder how many therapists REALLY understand the effect that abuse has on a person.
It was NOT your fault! In ANY way!
Hug and love to you!
Good luck and give yourself a break look at the future and not so much at the past.
No more - I agree. Since last week, I am trying to pick one small goal for each day (besides - getting up, showering and making myself feel the prettiest I can) and one larger goal per week (ie. - last week was updating my resume). Focus is key and I know that it is really hard to keep that when you feel so beaten down. I am now trying to keep really busy with to do lists, etc. I have spent 4 months wallowing in the drama and now that my kids have been taken from me - I have no routine and no schedule. It is a huge and daunting task to fill those hours. But I refuse to fill them now with anything but productive things that make me feel a little better each day about myself.
Keep in touch as I think we are at exactly the same point in our healing process....
xo
You CAN heal.
Find a counselor with whom
you have a rapport and feel
confident in.
Healing can happen.
Practice self-care.
That will help.
You are a flower on the
stem of the universe.
Beauty is what someone does, not how they look.
It's the love shown in actions, in nurturing and caring, encouraging and comforting.
All you have done as a mom.
That makes you beautiful.