I guess there is to edit my post?

Meant to say where the spouse was required to pay for therapy.

Also I wanted to explain a little more about the therapy. We started out in marriage counseling together obviously with the same therapist. It took three therapists until we found a good one.

Several months later, my therapist and I were able to arrange it so that I would be able to continue the therapy on my own because marriage therapy was clearly not working. So my therapist knows my husband very well.

At one point, the therapist actually told my husband that he is an emotional abuser. My husband ended up seeing the therapist a few times after that on his own. The plan was for him to get the help he needed to make our marriage healthy.

My husband quit therapy and his plan to fix our marriage was to read two books on emotional abuse and then he would be "cured"!

Fast forward to over a year later, he read the books and of course his treatment of me stayed the exact same.

I told him a few weeks ago that he needed to go back to therapy again, now that there is a clear diagnosis of emotional abuse, find his own counselor (conflict of interest), and do what he needs to do to make this marriage right.

That is when he blew up and immediately moved out. He has been harassing and bullying me through text ever since.

If you are still reading this, thank you very much for your time and patience in listening to my situation. I'm afraid I don't know how to make a long story short!

I'm so sorry for what
you've been through.

This:

800.332.7385

is the number for
your state's
women's resources.

Please call them.
They'll have both
information and
possibilities of
support for you
in regards to
your questions.

If in the history of
your longterm
marriage, your
husband/abuser
has nrrn your primary
means of support,
it's likely that he'll
be responsible for
maintaining that
level of support
(regardless of
whether your
state is
"no fault" or not).

These are legal
questions that
can only really
be answered
by a local lawyer.
But your women's
center may be
able to point you
in the right direction,
or even have pro
bono or low cost
lawyers available,
whose specialty
is dealing with
circumstances
like yours.

Please take good care.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
happier days
in the years
ahead.

p.s. ----

I just realized you said
in your title you already
have a lawyer who
you would be seeing.

What did she or he say?

How has the therapist contributed to the divorce???

As for therapy, I'd say that would be included in the alimony he will be due to you?

I'd see a lawyer.

Hello ladies, thank you for your replies! I have an update with a lot of info here. Maybe it can help someone else out going through a similar situation.

There is no such thing as alimony any more. There is something that is called maintenance and there are two different kinds.

1) Rehabilitative maintenance is for a spouse who has been out of the work force for a while (of course I qualify for that). The idea is while maintenance is being paid, I'm either seeking employment or I'm getting further education or training so I can be employed and support myself. That kind of maintenance is temporary and can only last for up to 3 years. Judges determine how long it lasts.

2) The other kind doesn't really have a name but it's designed for someone who has a disability and is unable to work. That maintenance does not have a time constraint. That would continue for as long as a disability continues.

Unless my husband and his agrees to pay maintenance indefinitely (which he never will) we would have to prove in court that I can't work. Often that will require expert testimony. Unfortunately there is a statue of limitations in Indiana that requires expert testimony to come from a psychologist. My therapist is a licensed medical health counselor and unfortunately, therefore, cannot give expert opinion on my behalf.

I would have to testify before a judge and prove how my condition affects me and impairs my ability to work. Without my therapist being able to speak for me in court, that would be pretty impossible. Especially since emotional abuse is very hard to legally prove. Plus I would have to almost relive all of it in a court setting, which would have a tough emotional impact on me.

Probably the best that I can hope for is 3 years of rehabilitative maintenance and I will have to be preparing for getting employment during that time.

She also said that the chances would not be good for proving that I need both maintenance support plus getting my therapy paid for after the divorce.

I was also told by her that kind of have to tiptoe around with my finances so as to not make him too mad because him and his lawyer can get a court order for him to stop depositing his paycheck into our joint account. He would still be required to pay for my basic needs until divorce is final but he could make it very, very tight.

He is acting crazy with our money. He is being ridiculous with and withdrawing more cash than he needs all of the time. Every time I go to counseling, he "punishes me" by withdrawing the same amount in cash for himself and he is ripping our finances to shreds just because he can.

So in the meantime, He is spending as he pleases and I have to be scared to death to even get medicine for my health problems which keep getting worse. He is in control just as he has always been, for 29 years.

So for now, my legal situation is looking very grim. It's looking as though the laws are definitely not in favor of an abuse victim, especially in a no fault state. I paid her $150 for that consultation.

I am calling a different lawyer on Monday to see when I can see him to get another opinion. I will have to pay another consultation fee and his is $250 an hour. But this man I will be seeing has a reputation for being very aggressive and someone you don't want to be against.

I sure hope he can give me some better news.

" How has the therapist contributed to the divorce???

DeliAnnem - I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "contributed". OK, that is a loaded question. The therapist called me at home one day a while my husband was at work, a couple of months after we had started marriage counseling and he told me that my marriage is very emotionally abusive and that he could not be more concerned for my physical and mental well being.

He said, I can help you make this thing healthy but it is going to take a sledgehammer and we are going to have to hit him where it hurts, which is in the pocketbook. He told me to bring my father with me for a session and whoever else is supportive of me because I am going to need it.

I did just that and we started talking about the possibility of divorce, exit strategies, keeping me safe, etc. It became more and more evident as time went on that marriage counseling was not going to work.

The therapist had a few sessions with my husband (just the 2 of them) and he eventually told him that he is emotionally abusive. My husband came home and admitted it to me and he couldn't have been more sorry for his behavior at that time and wanted to do whatever he could to change.

My husband ended up quitting therapy and decided to read books to supposedly cure himself.

My individual therapy continued and eventually went to twice a week. He has focused on helping me to become emotionally healthy, building up my self esteem, which has been shot and trying to help me heal.

He has helped me to stand up to my husband in ways that I would have never dreamed possible. The abuse never stopped but with his help, we were able to work together and minimize it as much as it possibly could be.

Everything is a horrible, scary nightmare right now. But I know that in the end, I am going to be so much better off without my husband. If it were not for my therapist, I would have been stuck in this marriage my whole life because I just kept holding out and hoping it would get better. He made me see that it never could get better and for that I am grateful.

Since my husband has moved out, I am hoping for the divorce to drag out as long as possible because the longer it is put off, the longer I have medical insurance. The longer I have insurance, the longer I can keep seeing my therapist and he can keep helping me to heal.

I don't take my therapy for granted. So many people don't get to do that. I am extremely fortunate in that regard. He is an excellent therapist who has my best interest at heart and truly wants the best for me. Again...so grateful!

It sure is nice to be able to come here and share my story with caring people who really understand!

I only questioned you when I read what you wrote: If it were not for my counselor, I would not be getting a divorce.

At first, it sounded like you were blaming the therapist. Rather, I see that you are thanking him/her.

You also said you hope the divorce "drags out." I don't think you mean that, as it will cost tens of thousands. I think you mean, "delay."

You seem to be perseverating on money and disability, yet you say your condition is due to stress from your husband... Here's a thought- focus on getting better mental health now that he's out of the house so you CAN finally work! Don't think of yourself as disabled. You ought to be getting back to work so you don't even NEED his money!

Ever time you get a paycheck, it should really help your self esteem, I should think. It'll also get your mind off all of this... Stop being his victim, and start living your own life independent of him.

What do you think?

Also, in PA at least, once a person moves out of their house, after a year, they have considered to abandoned their residence. So do NOT let him move back in- discuss that with a lawyer and establish when he moved out and also go to the police to document his abuse so you don't HAVE to let him in.

DeliAnnem -
Yes, I am definitely thankful to my therapist that I am getting a divorce.
Yes, of course, I mean that I want the divorce to be delayed and not cost tons of extra money.
He won't be trying to move back in here unless a judge would allow it. He has no desire to attempt to do that on his own and I have absolutely no desire for him to do that.

Supposedly his friend is letting him stay indefinitely. He even came back here and moved his bed out of the house. Plus, there is a provisional hearing coming up which determines who will have temporary posession of the marital property during the pendency of the divorce. Hopefully that will be me.

Improving my mental health so that I can finally work is exactly what I am trying to do but it's certainly not a smart thing for me to do at the moment. I was simply stating all of the info that I found out from the lawyer in case it could help anyone.

My therapist and I had actually just barely started thinking about what kind of job or schooling for a career that I would be interested in. It was a goal that I was beginning to start exploring and working toward. And then I literally got slammed with my husband moving out and serving me with divorce papers a few days later so the employment discussion is on back burner for now.

There are some important extenuating circumstances here and there are many other priorities at the moment.

My dad, stepmother, sister and niece (all of my closest relatives) are toxic family members. I hadn't spoken to any of them in several months.

I haven't really communicated with friends in a long time either because dh has done a great job isolating me from them.

My therapist is great but obviously while I'm going through a divorce, I need support outside of therapy. So I have just started to reconnect with my dad and sis so at least I have something but those relationships are tough. I am working hard to get some much needed support from them but also to set healthy boundaries at the same time.

I also have a history of hypothyroidism and adrenal fatigue which I am being treated for and battling every day. I am a breast cancer survivor and I've been through 4 invitros to try to get pregnant. During the past recent several months, I have developed severe burning lower leg pain and a very painful dry mouth due to stress. The leg pain and the dry mouth can both be potentially dangerous.

My thyroid doctor's opinion is that if I'm forced to work, the fatigue and other symptoms will be so bad that I will never have a full life because just working and getting through daily life would drain all of my energy.

My therapist made this statement regarding my legal situation:
The emotionally abusive relationship that I have been in has compromised, diminished, if not destroyed my capacity to function, much less hold employment, much less hold a full-time sustaining employment and this is where I deserve more compensation. Having said that, that doesn't mean my goal is to never work again, quite the opposite. It just means that's where I am at this exact moment.

My doctor, therapist and the lawyer that I already saw do not recommend me starting a job while I'm still married. That is strongly advised against because if I was already gainfully employed he wouldn't even be required to give me any rehab maintenance at all.

My sister started working a minimum wage job right before her divorce. She said that knowing what she knows now, she really shot herself in the foot by doing that.

I may very well want the option to get a 2 year degree. At the very least, when my divorce is final, I need some time and financial support to think about my employment possibilities and look for work!

This is going to be a brutal divorce. I am just beginning the battle of my life and it will take everything in me to get through it. I am not trying to think of myself as disabled or be his victim. I'm just laying out the facts.

Do I have some self pity right now? Sure I do. It's natural. But I'm trying my best not to wallow in it. Even though it feels like it, I know I'm not the only person to go through this and I definitely won't be the last.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. I just want to get through this awful time and hopefully be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

In a no fault state, if you and your husband are not able to settle things between the two of you and/or with your lawyers, the law/courts/judges get involved.

If and when that happens, they first start out with the intention of dividing everything straight down the middle. But if there are other aggravating and mitigating circumstances (and there is no question of that in my case), they can and many times do take those into account. But it's not automatic. You have to fight for it. That's what I need to do.

So...my goals right now are to first get through this divorce, hopefully with support outside of therapy, and get mentally and physically stronger now that he is out of the house. There is 29 years of emotional abuse here and that amount of damage doesn't heal quickly. I need to build a new future for myself. That's honestly all I can handle right now.

There's a lot of information here.

I'd only like to add that
in the U.S., there are
many similarities
among laws and
statutes, state to
state. There are
also many differences.

That's why attorneys
are required to pass
the legal examinations
in a particular state to
be authorized to
practice law in
that state.

For anyone exploring
how to navigate the
process of divorcing
an abuser (in the U.S.),
please make sure you
interview and ultimately
employ a highly qualified
attorney whose specialty
is fighting for the needs
and rights of an abuse
survivor ---- in the state
in which the divorce is
being processed.

Details regarding
laws are very specific
to where the legal
action is taking place.

Thank you Ilene, great information!

I am writing about my experience in Indiana.

I don't know much about divorce laws and cases. I just wanted to wish you well and provide encouragement and support. You are very brave and strong to take a stand and walk away. I know it is not easy. Take care, hon.

****HUGS****

Ilene - I love the term abuse survivor. We are victims, we are survivors. That's awesome!

clearbreakofday - Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Going through this is awful and I have very little support in my life so it means a lot!

Meant to say, we are NOT victims, we are survivors!