Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have to say, between reading here and the support from my family and friends, I felt nervous, but confident in my decision to go see the attorney.
Well, it was a mistake or should I say he made me feel like I was overreacting. I swear I walked out feeling like I just talked to my husband. I'm a mess right now.
He was an older man. Painted a very grim picture of what a divorce would be like. Kept talking about other cases he's had and statistics. Saying things like, I hear this a lot. Women come in and say they are annoyed and frustrated because their husbands want things a certain way and are controlling. He said, you have 2 minors, perhaps do you think you can stick it out for a while for them? I'm sure it's annoying and uncomfortable but is it doable?
I went on to explain how it's been 3 solid years of this, me asking for a separation twice and him refusing, MC twice, now IC, now the in-house half assed separation because he refused to leave when I asked for a THIRD time for a separation, and I said I tried talking to him AT LENGTH DOZENS of times over the course of 3 years and traced his behaviors back to 12 years, explained his insecure upbringing by his dad, and he stopped me and asked how old my husband was. I said 44. He said...aaah yes, well I see this alot too. It's kind of like a mid-life crises. Some men cheat, get angry and frustrated with their job situation, money, you have the stress of 2 young children.
I swear to God I thought my head was going to explode. I felt like I was having a conversation with my husband!
My sister was sensing his flip attitude and said, look, he's controlling and manipulative and it's mental cruelty on my sister. We started talking about once I serve him with papers, could he still refuse to leave. Attorney asked if he ever became physical with me - pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting - I said no. He said ok well, since it's not physical, the judge may say there's not enough reason for him to leave. Physical abuse would be bad and there would be no question that he would then have to leave while the divorce was in progress.
Dont ask me what he said after that, because I completely shut down. I felt minimized, like I was like every other 40yo that walked thru his door complaining, and made to reconsider if my situation was as bad as I thought.
I'm sick to my stomach, I havent stopped crying all afternoon. Ive tried to keep it together in front of my kids. I cant eat. My sister dropped her son at practice and came back to help me with the girls and do more Christmas decorating. My husband was at IC so sis and I had some time to talk. We called the attorney I saw last year - we liked him better, but he's not from this town and it was suggested I hire an atty from the same town so he'd be familiar with the judges and other attorneys.
I'm a mess.
I'm sorry this is long and all over the place, but I seriously feel crazy. I'll never NOT feel this way. Am I going to feel like this forever?
Well, it was a mistake or should I say he made me feel like I was overreacting. I swear I walked out feeling like I just talked to my husband. I'm a mess right now.
He was an older man. Painted a very grim picture of what a divorce would be like. Kept talking about other cases he's had and statistics. Saying things like, I hear this a lot. Women come in and say they are annoyed and frustrated because their husbands want things a certain way and are controlling. He said, you have 2 minors, perhaps do you think you can stick it out for a while for them? I'm sure it's annoying and uncomfortable but is it doable?
I went on to explain how it's been 3 solid years of this, me asking for a separation twice and him refusing, MC twice, now IC, now the in-house half assed separation because he refused to leave when I asked for a THIRD time for a separation, and I said I tried talking to him AT LENGTH DOZENS of times over the course of 3 years and traced his behaviors back to 12 years, explained his insecure upbringing by his dad, and he stopped me and asked how old my husband was. I said 44. He said...aaah yes, well I see this alot too. It's kind of like a mid-life crises. Some men cheat, get angry and frustrated with their job situation, money, you have the stress of 2 young children.
I swear to God I thought my head was going to explode. I felt like I was having a conversation with my husband!
My sister was sensing his flip attitude and said, look, he's controlling and manipulative and it's mental cruelty on my sister. We started talking about once I serve him with papers, could he still refuse to leave. Attorney asked if he ever became physical with me - pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting - I said no. He said ok well, since it's not physical, the judge may say there's not enough reason for him to leave. Physical abuse would be bad and there would be no question that he would then have to leave while the divorce was in progress.
Dont ask me what he said after that, because I completely shut down. I felt minimized, like I was like every other 40yo that walked thru his door complaining, and made to reconsider if my situation was as bad as I thought.
I'm sick to my stomach, I havent stopped crying all afternoon. Ive tried to keep it together in front of my kids. I cant eat. My sister dropped her son at practice and came back to help me with the girls and do more Christmas decorating. My husband was at IC so sis and I had some time to talk. We called the attorney I saw last year - we liked him better, but he's not from this town and it was suggested I hire an atty from the same town so he'd be familiar with the judges and other attorneys.
I'm a mess.
I'm sorry this is long and all over the place, but I seriously feel crazy. I'll never NOT feel this way. Am I going to feel like this forever?
Two things strike me about this. Firstly, there is a tendency on the part of some attorneys to be deliberately a little negative, in order to make sure their clients know what they are getting into in going to court. And they sometimes take it too far.
The second, though, is that this guy really doesn't seem to get it at ALL. Trust your gut on this. You say you felt minimised, you felt like you were talking to your H, like you are crazy. Trust those feelings which tell you that this is NOT the right person to run your divorce hearing. I made the mistake of hiring the wrong attorney for a separation years ago and ended up getting fleeced, because they saw things their way. Unfortunately, that's one of the most common problems with attorneys - they are educated, they know the law and so they start to think they are better than everyone else and even get to the point they think they know better about what someone else's life is and what they want, than the person themselves.
But the good news is not all attorneys are like that. I'm really sorry for what happened today, but please don't give up. Find another attorney.
I am sorry you were treated so horribly. We know ourselves and our situation better than anyone else, no matter their level of education and expertise. A lawyer, while well-educated in the matters of law, is not an expert on life, especially your life.
I personally think that the way he treated you was horrific. In your consultation, you clearly indicated hallmark signs of abuse. Any rational person knows that people who have been abused suffer from low self-esteem and chronically doubt themselves because they have had almost every single decision they have made undermined or called into question. Instead of treating you with respect, he treated you like an errant child who had to be sent back home to 'daddy'.
I know that may sound harsh, but truly, he was out of line.
On another note, I recently talked to a divorce attorney who is considered to be an expert in family law (at least in my area). She says that in cases where the man refuses to leave the home, she serves a temporary restraining order to have him removed from the home. It forces the spouse to move out and find a new place to live. The length of temporary restraining order is usually two weeks in most states, although it can be extended up to one month if good cause can be given and the judge can be persuaded.
I think this tactic is dirty. I also know abusers only play dirty. In this situation, it is not about playing the game, it is about rising above it. And to do that you need space and time to think. To feel safe.
I am not you. I do not know the answers that are right for you, but I do know that you need a better attorney than that joker! ;) Hehe!
Sending you hugs, healing light and lots of love!!!
Very long story short, I found another lawyer. A woman my age who is sharp as a tack. She outlined a strategy and we fought for custody. Yes, it took more than 2 years, so what? Then she mapped out another strategy to get me out of there. And it was successful, although also long and complicated and stressful. And she has always 'gotten it'. She has told me that my ex-husband is a monster. She has told me that the only solution is to put distance between us. She really really gets it.
Bottom line is: keep looking until you find someone who will truly be in your court (no pun intended) and who is not afraid to fight. A good lawyer is worth his or her weight in gold. They can truly save your life! Don't give up!
(BTW, check out the following site: http://onemomsbattle.com/. It's all about divorcing a narcissist and can provide support and resources and I think even lawyer recommendations.)
I found out from a domestic abuse hotline that there are services for emotionally abused women. As in not physically abused.
The assistance can include legal help. It is worth an inquiry. Surely people who help those emotionally abused can direct you to a lawyer that is more likely to help.
Most lawyers offer free consultation. So even if you have trouble getting in touch with the right people, you can go to one divorce lawyer after another until you find one more suitable.
Also that guy was wrong. Let me share the story about a friend of mine.
During my friend's divorce they were living in the same house. Because he is tall she graciously took the couch. He responded by locking her out of the bedroom where all her clothing was kept. He didn't give her the clothes, he just locked her out. He also stopped giving her an "allowance". They didn't have joint bank accounts and she was a stay at home mom.
She contacted her lawyer. The lawyer called for an emergency hearing. He was told to move out and was forced to pay her monthly during the divorce proceedings.
I think if you find a lawyer who will emphasize that he is manipulative, controling and cruel to the point of being abusive and you want him out of the house for that reason. that a judge will rule he must move out. Have the lawyer add that you are concerned his behavior will become worse because he does not want a divorce or a separation.
The first thing that happens after divorce papers are served on the other person is the hearing. At that hearing the judge approves a temporary parenting plan to last until the divorce is settled. At that time the judge will decide if he has to move out, how much support he must pay you, and how often he gets the kids.
Remember even if he is permitted to stay you can have your lawyer call an emergency hearing when he continues to be his usual self.
It may take time for you to find a lawyer. Especially if you need breaks in between. Here are some things to do in the meantime.
Find financial records, photocopy, and hide them somewhere. Having your sister hang onto them is a good idea. My friend's husband shredded evidence of his finances. He also removed a lot of $ out of his known accounts. Best to get copies before the thought enters his mind.
Gather up photos of you with your kids. This helps to establish you as a good mother. I had almost no photos and I still won custody. Don't panic if you don't have any. It wouldn't hurt to start getting pictures. Ask other people if they have any.
Ask as many people as you can to write a glowing letter of what a good mother you are. It needs to be notarized. All they have to do is take the letter into a bank, ask for it to be notarized, and then they sign it in front of the notary. Then notary punches the paper and charges a small fee. This will help establish you are a good mother.
Taking photos of the interior of your home and looking for past photos of it is also a good idea. Also photos of anything of value. This is to prevent him hiding things and getting away with it.
The reason for this is because my emotionally abusive exboyfriend lied in court documents and got other people to lie in notarized letters. I lacked proof of the truth. I barely kept custody.
Since your husband is manipulative I want you to have evidence of the truth set aside at your sister's all ready for when you find a lawyer that will be on your side.
Remember, if the lawyer isn't on your side, walk out! You don't have to hire someone who isn't going to help you.
So that domestic abuse hotline told me there are free support groups available for victims of abuse, including emotional abuse, and it's free. I have looked for that on my own unsuccessfully so I was surprised. That can help you in 2 ways. 1 because who doesn't need that? And 2 because you can get advice from women in your area who have been through the same thing. They may even know some good lawyers.
((((((big giant hugs))))))
I'm trying to muster up my strength again. It gets harder after every time I get beat down. I don't mean to sound like a debbie downer. I have never been this way in my life. I have always been optimistic and when faced with a struggle I just sit and think logically and figure a way to rectify the situation. I cant believe I feel so hopeless and stupid.
I am looking into 2 other attorneys. And will ask them over the phone before wasting anyone's time, if they specialize in family law and verbally manipulative, emotionally abusive relationships.
FarAndAway - I cant even imagine how horribly devastating that must have been not to receive validation and understanding from a women from a battered women's shelter - that is so unbelievably cruel. I am so glad that you finally got out and you and your children are ok and living free from the abuse.
Flying - thank you so much for all of that advice. I never thought of things like that, other than him taking money from our joint acct - which he hasn't. But I will start gathering those pics and letters so I'll have if I need them.
Thanks Giggle. Yesterday was so tough. Im trying to understand that maybe this is how attorneys work, deliberately being negative to make sure I'm not some heartless bitch who wants money or things. I even told him, I dont want anything crazy. I work f/t and am a very good provider. If I cant stay in our home, i'll get a small apt for me and the girls. I just want to be able to give them a good life - basic stuff - a roof over their head, food, school, clothes - nothing crazy.
But I wish he had at least validated and not minimized my situation. Comparing me to his other clients.
Hugs,