She cant, if he will not take the necessary steps to change she must leave in my oppinion before he kills her spiritually. Wish I had taken my own advice, he left me but by that time I wasnt living I was just existing always scared and always lonely

Hi-I'm assuming that the woman is you, and that the man is yours. You ask how you can protect your self worth when he acts the way that he does. I'm not sure why your self worth would be diminished by his behavior. I can certainly understand how you would feel devalued by him, but it seems to me that if you're able to feel devalued, then you have a sense of self worth that isn't comeasurate with his expressed sense of your worth. There's a discrepancy between how much you value yourself, and how much he values you, and that's why you hurt after these interchanges. You might feel that he thinks very little of you. If you love him, that's going to hurt. Keep in mind that it may or MAY NOT be true.

His responses define HIM, not you, and they do not necessarily define his feelings about you. He obviously doesn't like being questioned about anything. He adopts a defensive stance almost immediately, and to many men, the best defense is a good offense. I don't know what his issues are, but he obviously has issues that rear their ugly heads every time you attempt to question him on something.


Frustration is a part of life. It's not a very fun part, but it's a very real part. How should we deal with frustration? Do a google search with "deal with frustration" in the search bar, and you'll get a lot of very good advice. Mainly, the advice points to focusing on a positive outcome. Think positively. Easier said than done, I know (trust me, I really do...lol).

I don't know any more of your story than is reflected by this post. If he's abusive then you need to look at starting your life over again, and take whatever steps you can toward leaving. But based solely on this post, I see nothing that points to the necessity of breaking it off.

Not every relationship hurdle that trips us up is grounds for leaving. Not every problem is insurmountable. I know that I've often been disappointed when I needed help or advice, and all that anyone seemed to say is "leave." I think that's just the easiest answer, honestly. What you describe in this post is fairly common male behavior, in my opinion.

Thank you, cli3nt, for that post. Sometimes I think I expect too much from my new husband.

I would like to think there was another answer....I really would. I tried to find one for 30 years.

Still, now that I've been out 18 months, he still yells over me, won't allow me to be heard, IS angry. IF it was a one time event...or even an infrequent one, you could chalk it up to something other than an abusive personality....maybe he was just having a bad day. But when you are never allowed to voice an opinion, never ask a question, walk on eggshells to keep him happy....Then, call it what it is. It's abuse.

Abuse is about power and control That's ALL it is about. It isn't about love, You can think positively all day long, but to live with a man that puts you through this day after day and minute after minute is going to affect you adversely. Before I moved out I would go to bed at night, and feel my heart pounding in my chest, and wonder if tonite I was going to have a heart attack. This disappeared the first night I spent away from him.

I would guess there is a lot more to your story than you write here. Eckhart Tolle's books the Power of Now and A New Earth have helped me tremendously to leave all of this in the past. Lundy Bancroft (Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) and Patricia Evans (The Verbally Abusive Relationship) helped me to deal with him, and understand what was going on.

Some people say set boundaries. That would have been great if he would have respected them. Cli3nt is right....his response defines him not you. And you need to decide how you want to respond....

I found there was no viable choice but to leave. If you find another Kudos to you. If you don't, and you leave, Kudos again. We all have to make our own choices on this journey. But we are all here on DS to support each other, no matter what your choice is.

To protect yourself, and not start believing him, you have to make a conscious choice to live a better life. I just decided that I wanted a life filled with joy, not pain, and anger. And I am more joyful each day.

Hugs to you...

My ex withheld information all the time. In order for me to carry out my assigned responsibilities, I needed certain information. When I asked him he would "dole out" tiny little increments which caused me to ask more questions which caused him to get really angry and say things like "I'm a man and no one questions me."

Based on my personal experience, training at a women's shelter and other research, it is my humble opinion that, in the majority of abusive relationships, the longer one stays, the more one will end up walking on eggshells and the more one's self-esteem and self-worth will be eroded.

If what you described happens more than occassionally, then I would call it abuse.

In addition to Evans' book I also highly recommend Tolle's books.

After 8 years away from him, I am finally learning how to handle him talking over me and not letting me voice my opinion without an argument. Whenever I have to talk to him about our children on the phone, when he starts to talk over me or be combative, I just shut up and let him wind down. I know that might seem submissive, but really it is not, because I know that when he runs out of steam, I will say what I have to say. If I'm not talking, he can't talk over me, and he stops because he has lost the control. If he starts up again, I just stop talking again. This approach may not work for everyone, but it seems to work with my ex. I have also literally told him that I will hang up the phone if he does not calm down. That works, but only sometimes. Don't let him kill your self-worth. It can get worse and worse until you realize you no longer know who you are. Good luck, and keep your chin up.

I can relate to this because I live with someone who does the same thing. I think it's completely disrespectful. If I ask him something he doesn't want to answer I get the same reaction and yes over time it does diminish your spirit and self worth. For me I didn't realize this was what was happening until it was too late.

I wish I had a better answer for you, I really do. But the truth is, eventually she can't protect herself short of getting out of the relationship. Abusers do not stop. It escalates and mutates, but it never, never, stops. Like Hockey said, abuse is about power and control and nothing else. Yes cli3nt is right, his actions reflect him and not her, but they do "impact" her and that is where she is right now.

I am assuming this is about your sister, is that right? I know you are desperately attempting to find a way to help her stay in her relationship for a couple years before she leaves. The problem you are going to have with that is that his ultimate goal is exactly the chaos she is living now. That everything in the house centers on him. That the only opinion that matters is his. Cli3nt has a point when the relationship is normal and healthy, but I have followed your posts about your sister and her marriage and your brother in law is an abuser. Her marriage is not normal and healthy, and as long as she stays in that environment she can not protect her self worth and her frustration levels will do nothing but increase.

I have tried what stopyelling has suggested. But my stbx never gives up, so the minute I start talking again, he starts yelling again. He also won't read my emails. And most of the time he won't answer the phone if I call, which I only do if it has to do with my son. I basically work around him, and leave him out of my world as much as possible. And rack up the legal fees getting him to do what he should.


Abuse is abuse is abuse, and Val is so right, that it escalates and mutates, and causes chaos and confusion. It is very hard to detach from the abuser when you live in the midst of this. Your sister is in my prayers.

I agree abuse is abuse is abuse. Some individual counseling may help to figure out ways around his behavior. He is not going to change, only you can change how you respond and interact.

Most persons being abused become enmeshed with the abuser. Because the abuser is an expert at eroding the other's self esteem without that person being aware, the abused person becomes less and less able to see what is happening and it becomes harder and harder to extricate oneself from the situation because the abuser has convinced her/him that she/he isn't capable of making it on her/his own. No matter how many self help books I read or therapists I saw, nothing helped me see what was happening until I got out (for other reasons) my last therapist said he was an abuser. Of course I denied it, because like most, I didn't see what was happening during all the years we were married. I couldn't see the abuse until after I got out. IMHO, abuse is like a cancer that quietly and insidiously eats away at us.

You get support here on this site, you maintain your self worth and eventually find yourself not bothered by butt heads like this and their childish garbage.

You are not alone. I am married to the same kind of man. He never wants to just talk about anything, everything has to be a drama. I can't control him so I do what I need to do to remain healthy and well in an insane marriage.