Sigh. I know.

Yesterday, my ex told me he was sorry for always being mean to me and making me feel scared and abused and he was going to be nicer to me. He said he didn't know what the future held for us and he couldn't promise anything but he did promise to be nicer. (WTF?)

Definitely threw me for a loop and was very upsetting. This is how they do. They suck us back in if at all possible. I told my ex, um, thank you. I will try to be kinder to you as well. Oops, NC broken. Exactly what he wanted. They manipulate from beginning to end.

I know how hard it is guys. My ex used to bait me and he knew JUST what to say or do to get that reaction. Sometimes he'd even use things in the divorce I was supposed to get but he never would give me and offer them to me to get me to break No Conact. He knew how badly I'd wanted certain things. Or he'd threatened to come over to my house "I'm coming over right now." Just so I'd break No Contact and text "Don't you dare or I'll call the police." He'd tell me there was something REALLY important he needed to tell me about our daughter, and I'd call or email, and it was only 1 statement about how she thought I was a crappy mother and she hated living with me (a total projection and a fiction) and then ALL the rest of the crap he had to say was undisguised abuse toward me.

I know it's hard-but if I can do it-you guys can do it. Radrm, do whatever you need to do to feel calm, and strong, good to yourself. I have utter and complete 100 faith in you over the the long hall.

Oh playing the guilt card is he? Don't buy into it. Not only is he passive/aggressive, but I believe he is a narcissist as well. I pray that you will not play into his games and stay strong. We are here to support you and help any way that we can. Hugs gB

It is amazing what you can do for yourself when you decide that the "now" does not have to be attached to the past. You can make what comes next something completely different than the pattern you have known all along. Starting over is the best place from which to heal and make your life better.

I know this is radrm's thread but these words are very helpful to me. I can change. I can change. Those words are powerful. Radrm, we can change this.

I know you feel like you failed. I do as well. I have one hour and eleven minutes NC down and if I am honest it is only because he is shutting me out again.

Long texts, demanding phone calls, sentimental reasons, memories, then the big slap down. The big FU. It hurts. It hurts each and every time. I really would like to say goodbye to this pattern. Radrm, join me.

These sweet folks tell us that it can be different. We don't actually have to live this way. My heat hurts from the barrage. The abuse. 2015 can be different for us.

xoxo

How are you doing? Sending you hugs and prayers x

Im doing it but Im hurting a lot. Its crazy how they hurt of even when we leave them. The random texts he sends and tries to string me along. I am not sure how long the no contact will last on his side. I know I can do it but this has become very painful and real for me today. I did work and come home and take a nap. And I woke up a while ago and I felt terrible feelings of doom, fear, and anxiety. I took a half a xanax already before my nap. I have counseleing on Monday and I feel like Im just going there to cry. I keep crying today. I feel like life is over. I hope it passes. I feel no joy in anything. I feel like I just made everything final and now this is the consequence. The consequence of me wanting to live without abuse. But I'm hurting so bad. Every other year I took him back on New Years or the day after. This year I know I"m not going to. Its hitting me like a brick. I do feel sorry for him and guilty that I cant put up with what he does to me. Like its me. I know in my heart its not it just feels like it. I think its Stockholm syndrome - I think I'm so attached to my abuser. I feel so miserable. My son is so happy and I'm so sad. I prayed today that my son has a better life than I have had. If my life means anything at all it is that I did for my son what nobody ever did for me to make his life better. That's what I do have. Its the only thing I can feel good about. I know this decision is best for him and me. I just have to get through it. Today is very hard.

Rad, hope you're doing ok right now. Come on here whenever you need extra strength and reinforcement. All of our situations are different, yet very similar too. It's very painful but use each passing hour as your pat on the back as far as what you accomplished. Recognize little goals, however little they may seem, whatever will work for you.

You know your situation best and if you see the patterns and what you've gone through, use that to your benefit and believe in yourself. If you want to get through this New Years and not take him back, keep telling yourself that, reinforce your positive words & believe in you!! You got this!!

It's interesting how they use the I'm going to die soon tactic, except when it comes to money, then they plan on living forever, lol. (At least that's how it is with the ex.)

The good thing about NC is that we can start over as many times as we need to. And really, when you think about it, the more practice we get at going NC, the better at it we get. :-)

Kudos to you for not going back and for saying no to the New Years date.

NC is hard. It's like going thru withdrawals. It's especially hard around anniversaries, holidays, b-days, etc. But it does get easier the longer you can go NC. Even when you break it, as soon as you start again, it gets a little easier each time.

This is a perfect time to practice extreme self care. Have a plan in place that you can do something to distract yourself when the urge to contact him hits. Take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a movie, listen to your favorite song, call a friend, post here. The urge will pass. And know that you are not alone!

~hugs~

I also meant to add that it's possible that part of what you're dealing with right now could be trauma bonding.

Here is a link that explains a little about trauma bonding. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19534739-trauma-bonding

Agreed sounds like trauma bonding, I have similar issues as you know radrm so we aren't alone in this. Step by step it will get easier, it can't get harder anyway! X

I think it's time you got a restraining order. You have told him you don't want to be bothered and he still does! This is not helping you. You have been doing so well and ever since he started contacting you again, it seems to be getting more and more difficult for you! It's understandable. We all have a hard time with our feelings for these people. But now it is really starting to take its tole! Think about how well you have been doing, how much your son dreads this guy being around, and take the steps to make him leave you alone once and for all! You can do it!! BLESSINGS!!

Each day is a new day.

One of my favorite quotes is "They can't take away your birthday."

Meaning (to me) no matter what crap people throw at us, they can't take away the gift of this life, and what we do with it. I have to remind myself of that all the time. Also, another one that helps is "After all, tomorrow is another day!" from Gone With The Wind. Gotta love that Scarlet's determination.

Thanks for the webpage Truecolors and thank you to all of you helping me through this right now with your encouragement and good suggestions. I have thought about a restraining order. I might need to do that.
I think it is trauma or abuse bonding that is my issue. I know I need to address this and I thank God I have counseling on Monday. It can't get here soon enough!
Thanks all...