Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok, I've been running headlong into this one for a while, and I think I've got it figured out.
The saying we've all heard - "Respect is not given, it's earned."
I hate it. I hate that saying. While it is true that some behavior demands less respect than others, it's too often turned into a "I have no control over how much I respect you - you are wholly responsible for that." Which is blame shifting at its finest. And socially acceptable blame shifting, at that.
My dad and I were arguing this morning. There is a lot of love and respect between us, but (especially with as much stress as we are under) there's going to be friction.
He called me 'boy.' I told him that bothered me. We figured out that it is not the enderament but the attitude of diminishment and expectation of authority which bothers me.
At another point, i hit him on the back. He was once again insisting that he could, in no way, be held accountable for my feelings. We've had this argument several times, and he hasn't quite pegged that he's wrong, although I don't know what right is. But I responded by hitting him in the shoulder, and asking if that hurt. I apologized later, because that was wrong of me to do.
But he also levelled the 'Respect is not given, but earned.' at me. And I disagreed. I told him that, actually, respect is given. If you do something which I do not respect - I STILL POSSESS THE POWER TO RESPECT YOU. Respec t is given or not, as a choice. It can be withheld to varying degrees as a consequence for crossing a boundary. (I do maintain that to refuse any respect at all is incredibly damaging to a relationship, and it is better to end the relationship at that point, rather than insist it continue in such a damaging state.)
Now that I think about it, I'd term a diminished respect not as disrespect , but as more akin to disappointment.
So, yes, respect is given. I will not put all the choice to respect a person based on their actions alone - that authority is mine. Thankfully, I choose to try to be fairly generous with it. Others are not. I am under no obligation to base my response on your actions - although I will do so, when necessary.
That's what I think, anyway. What are your opinions?
The saying we've all heard - "Respect is not given, it's earned."
I hate it. I hate that saying. While it is true that some behavior demands less respect than others, it's too often turned into a "I have no control over how much I respect you - you are wholly responsible for that." Which is blame shifting at its finest. And socially acceptable blame shifting, at that.
My dad and I were arguing this morning. There is a lot of love and respect between us, but (especially with as much stress as we are under) there's going to be friction.
He called me 'boy.' I told him that bothered me. We figured out that it is not the enderament but the attitude of diminishment and expectation of authority which bothers me.
At another point, i hit him on the back. He was once again insisting that he could, in no way, be held accountable for my feelings. We've had this argument several times, and he hasn't quite pegged that he's wrong, although I don't know what right is. But I responded by hitting him in the shoulder, and asking if that hurt. I apologized later, because that was wrong of me to do.
But he also levelled the 'Respect is not given, but earned.' at me. And I disagreed. I told him that, actually, respect is given. If you do something which I do not respect - I STILL POSSESS THE POWER TO RESPECT YOU. Respec t is given or not, as a choice. It can be withheld to varying degrees as a consequence for crossing a boundary. (I do maintain that to refuse any respect at all is incredibly damaging to a relationship, and it is better to end the relationship at that point, rather than insist it continue in such a damaging state.)
Now that I think about it, I'd term a diminished respect not as disrespect , but as more akin to disappointment.
So, yes, respect is given. I will not put all the choice to respect a person based on their actions alone - that authority is mine. Thankfully, I choose to try to be fairly generous with it. Others are not. I am under no obligation to base my response on your actions - although I will do so, when necessary.
That's what I think, anyway. What are your opinions?
You make a very good point, and I do agree. I have to admit, in anger at my husband's selfish elders (although never directly to them), I have written those words you hate... *cringe*
There is a 'tradition' in his culture that ALL elders must be obeyed and pandered to, by virtue of age in number of years alone, often while subjecting their juniors to the most horrific emotional and often physical abuse. And apparently they deserve that obedience by RIGHT. What about the children's rights? Am I to respect a man or woman who believes they are entitled to use, beat, and subjugate their own child or young relation? They often used the words: "We must respect Father/Grandma/Uncle a lot."
I'm afraid my response was: "After what I've seen of them, try and make me."
I do refuse to have relationships with such people, which would count as having ended them, I guess.
In all other cases, I would agree with fortress. Respect is essential.
Please forgive my curtness on this. I have been through the mill quite a bit over the years... xxx
When I first read the statement about it being earned and not given I applauded enthusiastically in aggreement. My frame of reference was going to my H who does not treat others or act respectfully. He COMMANDS respect without earning it. This has always been an issue for me.
Then I thought about myself. What would I say if my H said I hadn't EARNED respect? Well in that frame of reference I'd say that's cruel....all people deserve to be treated with respect. Prisoners don't deserve to be mistreated (abuse-wise).
But you can't have it both ways. Is it earned or a right? This is the dictionary definition:
"admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their
abilities, qualities, or achievements."
Here its presented as something earned by using "as a result of". I think of a statement such as, "Wow, I really respect you for holding true to your beliefs." So then, what is the difference when we think of another situation where a man hangs his head in pain as his wife curses any effort he makes as a human being. She is treating him disrespectfully, right?
If its not earned then shouldn't we have the same level of respect for all people? Would it be wrong to have more respect, higher regard, for an individual when he does something exceptional?
According to scripture women are to respect their husbands. (Eph 5:33) The way it is used here is translated as "reverence" or deference.
Using this translation brings clarity for me: everyone is entitled to decency, common courtesy (respect) but people earn admiration (respect).
You make a good point in stating that there is a problem if a person REFUSES to respect.
In the example I gave, respect meant complete obedience and LOTS of sucking up, whether or not the elder's demands were reasonable, or their behaviour non-abusive. Respect has a different cultural meaning in the place to which I was referring. It is closer to 'pandering' than to actually 'respecting'.
In terms of common decency, I did not disrespect my husband's elders. I simply mentally registered an extreme dislike for their behaviour and behaved respectfully/civilly until it was no longer required for me to be around them.
Thank you Godismyhonor for the clarification :)
I look at it this way - you can lose my respect, but you can't earn my respect. To say I have to earn someone's respect means he/she has a lower view of me to start, and I have to work my way up. ridiculous.
And thinking about it just now, I think this is a problem I have in my relationship. I respected her from the start. But I think for her, it was months before she truly respected me as a decent person (and I am not sure how much she truly respects me now). It's like for awhile I was guilty until proven innocent.
To elaborate - I would know nothing about the stranger. But I should not have less respect for the stranger simply because I do not know that person. treat the stranger as I would my best friend, because I have no other information to go on.
And I guess this does depend on the definition of "respect". But I guess I am viewing this as "respect" vs "disrespect" with nothing really in between. In my mind, the "neutral" would be "respectful" by definition.
I know, I've said it, myself, an awful lot.
But I also know that my wife and mother use it in a matter of "I don't like what you did, therefore I don't need to respect you. You have to do things which I value, behave in ways I admire for me to offer you respect." Which I find a) super demanding and controlling, and b) complete abdication of any responsibility for their own choices. It doesn't sit right.
Of course, most times I bring it up, I'm hit by "what do you even mean by 'respect'?" Which is a whole different kettle of fish.
It's a really interesting point for me, because it was something I struggled with in relation to my son last year at school. I felt (still do) that his teacher was just terrible in the way she dealt with the students (not just my son). And he struggled with her a great deal - it was difficult to navigate the path between validating his views and feelings on the one hand, but still ensuring he didn't feel it was ok to just ignore or disrespect his teacher.
Not sure that's quite on point, but it's another aspect of the earned/deserved question.