Your articulate description of what happened is a textbook example of what the cycle of abuse is like. He is totally disrespecting you as a person AND as a wife. He is infringing all of your boundaries. I am so sorry you are living like this. You DESERVE to be treated with love and respect. Just because it's all you've ever known doesn't mean you have to accept it for the rest of your life.

You KNOW this will not last. And you KNOW that all of his violence and him raping you DID happen. And it WILL happen again. It's just a matter of time.

Please do not brush it under the rug. Have you done Ilene's card exercise? Are you in therapy or at least looking for a QUALIFIED therapist who specializes in recovery from trauma and abuse?

I lived with it for almost 4 decades. I thought it was my fault. I was the one who apologized. I was the one who tried to get us help. NOTHING worked! NOTHING! He never changed. I kept going to therapy w/several different counselors over the years. The best that happened was that I walked out alive. But I also left the marriage totally dysfunctional, in pain both physically & emotionally with deep deep wounds.

Nine years out I am SO MUCH HAPPIER. I have peace and calm. I know what healthy boundaries are. I no longer accept toxic people in my life. I lost friends. No one in his family, except for one person, speaks to me. It hurt. But it doesn't any more.

It's slow going & took a while to find, but I now belong to a community of like minded people. People who are kind and respectful. Since I was married for almost 4 decades, I have no desire to be in a "romantic" relationship at this point.

Instead, I am in the process of falling madly in love with myself! I am discovering the real me for the first time in my life.

Please don't wait as long as I did. With the right therapy for you, you can have a happy, peaceful fulfilling abuse-free life.

clm, I went to bump Ilene's Clarifying Index Card Exercise & saw where she had done that for you and you said:

" I think this will be a great exercise to use, once I'm out. Thank you very much! The last thing I want to do is give in and go back after I do all of this work to get out. "

You NEED TO DO THIS NOW. Don't wait until you leave! IMHO, the point of this exercise is to HELP YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW so that you can get out of the fog of abuse and see that you are living in a toxic dump.

PLEASE do it NOW. Just make sure you hide the cards so he can't find them. If you are worried that he might see them, then find a place and do it online. Just make sure clear your history & cookies and don't save your password on the computer.

Also, I wanted to add that when we live in abuse, it can and does cause brain damage in that the hippocampus begins to shrink. That means we are not able to see all the options available to us and therefore cannot make healthy decisions.

IMHO, Ilene's index card exercise will help you bypass that fog and see more clearly what your life is REALLY LIKE.

Please continue working on your exit plan and get out ASAP. The next time he could seriously injure you.....or worse, KILL you.

This is exactly the type of thing I've had with my parents through the years! It all goes along until suddenly you are caught off guard and WHAMO! Knocks you down when you least expect it!

I actually hate this part of the cycle. When things get better, and we pretend like the last two months of misery never happened. If I try and talk about it, he will say that I am just dragging it up and keeping things ugly, I have to just pretend that we are all shiny and new again. That's the hardest part of the cycle for me. Lying to myself. Hating myself for caving in, when down deep I know it will never change and that this part is my trap, my prison into this horrible thing.

This is so sad.

It's all straight out
of the control and
abuse TEXTBOOK.

It's great that you got
a car and a job. Don't
give either one up!!!!!

Because the next time he
rapes you
you'll have your ducks lined
up and waiting. When the
next time arrives, you'll be
further along on your journey.
You'll have gone through
this particular stage already
and be on to, "I knew it
couldn't last. I was just
hoping so, so much. But,
now I really do know that
the honeymoon phase
will never last. He hasn't
changed. He's not going
to change. The only one
who has changed is me.
I'm not the woman I used
to be. But that changes
NOW."


For the record, clm. . . .
marriage counseling
doesn't fix ABUSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS.
Generally, it serves
to escalate the abuse.
So be glad you never
waded into that swamp.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and strength.

First of all, I want to thank you all again for your responses. I seriously can't say that enough. When I'm feeling weak or start to question anything at all, I come back here and read and reread your responses. It helps immensely to have the affirmation that this really is an unhealthy environment. It is also incredibly helpful to know that so many others have experienced this same thing. I'm not alone, and it will get better after I leave.

MTC, I have not been to a counselor yet, as I don't have health insurance. I will shortly after my job starts. Fortunately, I read another thread that provided a link to Psychology Today's tool that allows you to search your area for qualified therapists. There is actually an entire practice, not 30 minutes from my house, that deals solely with recovery from domestic violence. I would also like to thank you for reiterating the importance of finding a qualified therapist. I did previously see a counselor that I believe specialized in family counseling. I feel like he did more harm than good, in my case. I never realized how different the approaches would be. I'm so happy to hear that leaving has changed your life for the better. It gives me faith.

Maryjan, it drives me crazy. Literally. I'm always walking on eggshells, hoping not to set off the next bomb.

Whipple, I have a love/hate relationship with this phase. It is always such a relief to me that the stress has started to dissipate, but I know it's not real. I know that I shouldn't have to compromise my boundaries and my feelings just to make our relationship run smoothly. That's not how a healthy relationship works. Even when I was "happy," something always just felt off. For example, when things were going well for quite a while (due mostly to the fact that we were working different shifts and didn't see each other enough to fight), we decided to have another child. We were in agreement that this was our last child, but I didn't want to get my tubes tied. In the back of my mind, there was this little voice saying that we won't be married forever, and I don't want to eliminate my option to have a child with my "future husband." In healthy marriages, you're not thinking that, especially not at what is supposed to be the happiest time of your lives together.

Ilene, I needed to hear what you just said. "Next time." I'm feeling guilty that I don't really think I can leave during this phase. I don't think I have the strength to do it, but I know this won't last forever. I want to be ready for the next time, so I can leave while I'm still seeing clearly. While I'm still angry. It seems like, in those moments, I always find my strength. I want to be able to take advantage of that. Unfortunately, we did go to marriage counseling together...once. It was after his affair. I finally convinced him to go. The counselor told him he didn't have to come back, that I was the one who needed the counseling. He then went on, in our private sessions to tell me things like "If he's not getting it at home..." and completely dismissed my concerns that this could be an emotionally abusive relationship by saying, "You just have to understand that he was raised differently than you were." I firmly believe that is a huge part of why I've struggled to identify the problems in this marriage.

I'm so sorry that was
your experience.

Not all counselors are
good. Not all counselors
are bad.

Not all good counselors
are good for a particular
person.

Couple counseling therapists
are trained very differently from
other approaches.

Not all couple counselors
are bad, but most are
really terrible when it
comes to people in
abusive relationships ---
because they're trained
to treat both parties who
come in as being
equal in power
and responsibility.

As far was what you
described about what
you were told over all -----

absolutely awful!

(A partner who cheats
is being SEXUALLY
abusive.)

Be aware and
be careful.

Practice self-care
and stringent
boundaries.

I can relate to your situation and as you describe it. I lived it and dealt with it too. I now realize I dealt with it more years than I should have, gave him way more chances than I ever should have for my sake & my kids. I believed all the lies, I wanted to trust and believe him. We all do what seems the best decision and choice at the time, with what we know at that time.

You are preparing yourself. I know how hard it can be but can say that for me when I knew that staying was far worse and more scary than leaving, the choice was clear. It hurts, it's hard, it's a choice no one should have to make but remember, his actions are choices he's making that are affecting you and your family. Only you can decide what is best and right for you. Either way, this group is an awesome support system and can help through all of it.

Keeping you in my prayers.

clm, I can so relate to the, "why are you dragging things up?" stuff as well!! "You just can't make the best of things..." blah blah blah

It's crazy how textbook this stuff is! I'm still mind boggled after all this time on here!

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this, clm08, and i feel your pain. I sat in that place for years and years, as the cycle repeated itself and took its toll on me, winding me up tighter into what i called the spiderweb. The worst was my disappointment in myself for falling for it over and over. After a 33 yr relationship and 27 years of marriage, I felt like I was literally dying .....physically and spiritually. The psychological games he played with my son also put me over the edge. I think my stbx wanted out and made our lives hell so I would beg him to go, which I did. I think he saw it as permission to move on to his next victim, whom he had been "grooming" for awhile. He trotted off happily, leaving us in ruins. BUT the phoenix rises from the ashes! I LOVE what MyTrueColors says..."Instead, I am in the process of falling madly in love with myself! I am discovering the real me for the first time in my life." My priorities have changed. My idea of a fulfilling life is changing day by day. And those index cards are invaluable! ((hugs to you))