Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
What causes women who have been abused to repeatedly choose another abusive man, often in spite of huge red flags?
I am a 50 year old man with a history of crash and burn relationships. Most end within a year or less. When Im in love its like a drug for me. From age 26 to 34 I was with the same woman but probably the only reason that lasted so long was that I had a construction job that kept me out of the house six days a week when the weather was fit. She had been sexually abused as a child and married young to get out of the house but she chose an abusive alcoholic who beat her regularly. The thing that finally pushed her out of the relationship was when he started eyeing their 11 year old daughter sexually.
I had a very short relationship with another woman who was estranged from her abusive husband but she went back to him before finally ending that. I was fixed up with someone I had gone to school with and I somehow managed to suppress from my consciousness that she had been in special ed. That lasted a couple years but the sex was absolutely uninspiring and unfulfilling; one night when I was drunk I cheated on her, she found out about it and broke off our engagement. Not wanting to put my heart on the line, I decided to play the field, seeing two different women and not committing to either and broke both their hearts, each wanting me to stop seeing the other. The only bright spot there was that one of them was an alcoholic who finally began to respect herself and sobered up.
More recently (2006) I was introduced to a woman online and moved her from a big city to my small town. She had been seriously abused in her first marriage which ended when he died in a car wreck and at the time we hooked up was worried about a man who had beat her nearly to death getting out of prison. She left me after 10 months.
I took up with a woman who has Borderline Personality Disorder and she put the shoe on the other foot, abusing and controlling me. It was so bizarre for me, begging her for affection and putting up with her constant cheating. I started seeing a therapist and with help from her and this support group, I finally got the courage to break it off with her. While participating in this forum it really came home to me that I am a control freak, not that I didnt know it before, but I just accepted it. I know I need to change but the challenge seems overwhelming.
I totally ruined my next relationship through a single act of blatant stupidity which I wont detail here, she has not yet come back for her furniture. She too, had been seriously sexually abused as a child and been in two relationships with abusive men, one of whom she had children with.
I posted a profile on a dating site and the first woman that contacted me also has a history of abuse, she stayed with him until their children were out of the house. Weve been chatting and had one date and she seems pretty sweet on me.
When I was on the rebound from the relationship where I was abused I did stop myself from going into a relationship with a woman that I knew would repeat my same old pattern but she still seems to be carrying a torch for me a year later.
I come on like the Knight in Shiny Armor but when the honeymoon phase is over theres not much real foundation to the relationship and I often find we have almost nothing in common.
When I started writing this I thought I wanted to ask for some sort of support but I realize theres not much this group can say except get help and stay OUT of this group, its not for the likes of you. Let me be clear, I have never been violent, but the manipulating and controlling can be nearly as bad, and the emotional scars certainly as deep. I know some of you are going to be angry at me and perhaps say some unkind things, but if this post helps even one woman open her eyes to red flags in potential relationships, it will be worth it. Flame away.
I am a 50 year old man with a history of crash and burn relationships. Most end within a year or less. When Im in love its like a drug for me. From age 26 to 34 I was with the same woman but probably the only reason that lasted so long was that I had a construction job that kept me out of the house six days a week when the weather was fit. She had been sexually abused as a child and married young to get out of the house but she chose an abusive alcoholic who beat her regularly. The thing that finally pushed her out of the relationship was when he started eyeing their 11 year old daughter sexually.
I had a very short relationship with another woman who was estranged from her abusive husband but she went back to him before finally ending that. I was fixed up with someone I had gone to school with and I somehow managed to suppress from my consciousness that she had been in special ed. That lasted a couple years but the sex was absolutely uninspiring and unfulfilling; one night when I was drunk I cheated on her, she found out about it and broke off our engagement. Not wanting to put my heart on the line, I decided to play the field, seeing two different women and not committing to either and broke both their hearts, each wanting me to stop seeing the other. The only bright spot there was that one of them was an alcoholic who finally began to respect herself and sobered up.
More recently (2006) I was introduced to a woman online and moved her from a big city to my small town. She had been seriously abused in her first marriage which ended when he died in a car wreck and at the time we hooked up was worried about a man who had beat her nearly to death getting out of prison. She left me after 10 months.
I took up with a woman who has Borderline Personality Disorder and she put the shoe on the other foot, abusing and controlling me. It was so bizarre for me, begging her for affection and putting up with her constant cheating. I started seeing a therapist and with help from her and this support group, I finally got the courage to break it off with her. While participating in this forum it really came home to me that I am a control freak, not that I didnt know it before, but I just accepted it. I know I need to change but the challenge seems overwhelming.
I totally ruined my next relationship through a single act of blatant stupidity which I wont detail here, she has not yet come back for her furniture. She too, had been seriously sexually abused as a child and been in two relationships with abusive men, one of whom she had children with.
I posted a profile on a dating site and the first woman that contacted me also has a history of abuse, she stayed with him until their children were out of the house. Weve been chatting and had one date and she seems pretty sweet on me.
When I was on the rebound from the relationship where I was abused I did stop myself from going into a relationship with a woman that I knew would repeat my same old pattern but she still seems to be carrying a torch for me a year later.
I come on like the Knight in Shiny Armor but when the honeymoon phase is over theres not much real foundation to the relationship and I often find we have almost nothing in common.
When I started writing this I thought I wanted to ask for some sort of support but I realize theres not much this group can say except get help and stay OUT of this group, its not for the likes of you. Let me be clear, I have never been violent, but the manipulating and controlling can be nearly as bad, and the emotional scars certainly as deep. I know some of you are going to be angry at me and perhaps say some unkind things, but if this post helps even one woman open her eyes to red flags in potential relationships, it will be worth it. Flame away.
My only thoughts are that you go for women who are vulnerable and I think that may be because you have a fear (if that's the right word to use) of strong and confident women. A woman who has been abused has lot her confidence and feels weak.
So I'm thinking that if you're still seeing a therapist, maybe that's something you could try to work on with him/her. Try to find out what makes you attract these women and why you're attracted to them. Then maybe you can try dating someone who is completely different from those you have dated in the past. There's nothing wrong with being an equal in a relationship rather than the dominate one. That's the way healthy relationships work.
You might also want to join the "healthy relationships" group here on DS, if you haven't already done so.
Wishing you the best,
Mel