Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I said I was never going to talk to him again... But I am sorry to say, I gave in tonight. I again told him I could only be his friend, NOTHING MORE. He seemed okay with it at the time as long as he could "have me in his life." He said he really needed someone to talk to... I caved in. I'm so angry at myself. He seemed okay at first... Then tried to do things like hold my hand , and I repeatedly told him NO. Well, here came the tears again. He started telling me how horrible his life was... How he has no family or friends, how they all hate and use him, and all the terrible things his family has said to him. (I have met his family before... Although I knew they weren't close, I never got the impression they hated him.) Apparently, he said he was happy at one point when he was living with some friends, but his Dad came to him and offered him a place to stay for free, and that he would pay for him to go back to school and better himself. According to my ex, he dropped everything he loved when he went to stay with his Dad and his Dad never followed through with what he promised, how he was so miserable now and that the hope of maybe someday getting back together with me was the only thing keeping him alive. He then went on to say that he felt I didn't try enough in the relationship and that I didn't give him enough chances. (mind you, I had broken up with him and been sucked back into the toxic relationship at least 3 times before because of his empty promises to me.) He also said that he did realize that he didn't treat me well, but that this past year has just been so difficult on him, and now that he has had a few months of us being apart to reflect on himself, that there was no way he could screw it up this time... I can't say if I believe him or not, I really don't know anymore. But at this point, even if I did believe him, I do not love him anymore... I only care about him as a person. I sat there with him while he cried for at least an hour. At least, I can say I stood my ground. I told him that we were NOT getting back together, that I have heard this all before, and I couldn't set myself up to be hurt again. But even as the words left my lips, I DID feel heartless. I felt bad for him. I felt confused. What if he is being sincere, and what if I really didn't try hard enough. I have no idea what to believe or think anymore. But if I tried to explain to him the things he did in the relationship that hurt me, he got angry and defensive. "You make it sound like I physically raped you, Like I actually hurt you." That hurt a little, because from learning what I've read on this site and countless others, the pain doesn't have to be physical to inflict damage. He asked if I wanted to leave. I told him that if he needed someone to vent to I was there for him, but if his sole purpose for me staying was to get me to agree to get back together with him, that I had better go, because it wasn't happening. The crying got worse, he threatened suicide, said I was the only girl for him and that he could never love anyone else, how could I possibly leave him like this... He said he was having a panic attack. I felt trapped. But I did one of the hardest things I have ever done, and walked out despite his pleas. He even followed me out to my car and fell on his knees, begging... But I did drive away. I just don't know how to feel.. Maybe I am cruel and heartless, I just always question myself whether my feelings of being emotionally abused were justified or if I'm just crazy... Feeling so stuck.
Please do not beat yourself up. I am new in recovery and I am sure I will slip up but there is no way I'm going to be disappointed in myself and neither should you. Nobody is perfect! It's a process.
Abusers are wimps, cowards, and out of touch with reality.
We care because we have hearts. We don't get off on using others. We feel torn because we have morale and good character. We don't create a web of lies to hide behind.
Don't beat yourself up!
You are WORTH it and so am I!
"It's your fault that you let me walk all over you in our relationship. You should have stood up for yourself."
Really? Yet now that I am standing up for myself, I am heartless?
We here on this site know how manipulative these people can be. Even as he tried to suck you back in though, he pushed the boundaries you set, said it was your fault, he got defensive and didn't listen, threatened suicide (!), he denied hurting you. Sounds like you did the smart thing and preserved your sanity. HE is the one being cruel if you ask me, with all of his manipulation. Just an act....
I am proud of you!
The fact is, you will never get him to agree you are right and he is wrong. He blames you for his own choices and actions. The fact that you didn't stop him treating you badly is NOT what "made" him choose to treat you badly. If he truly loved you, if he was a truly decent human being, he would simply choose not to treat you badly and thus would never learn how you would react if he did treat you badly. He chose in the first place to be abusive.
And he still chooses to be abusive. You said you don't want contact with him - that's ignored. You said very clearly that you don't want a relationship with him - that was also ignored. You have, in his view, no right to make any such choices for your life. If he wants a relationship with you then that's what has to happen. That's abusive. That's not love.
You question yourself (we all have), you wonder whether you could have done more, whether it really was your fault, whether your feelings are justified. All of us have been there. But the truth is, I can tell just from this one snapshot that he is abusive. He has no regard for your autonomy as a person (your right to choose who you are in a relationship with), he tramples all over your boundaries, he dismisses your concerns, and he blames you for his actions. You are not over-reacting, you are (as most of us do or did) under-reacting.
Finally, just on the feelings thing. Your feelings are neither justified nor unjustified. They just are. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are. And you are allowed them, even if someone else might not feel the same way under the same circumstances (not saying that's the case here, just saying "even if"). And someone who cares for you should also accept your feelings and work with them, not just ignore them or dismiss them as "wrong" or "not justified". You have every right to feel abused, and he has no right to just dismiss that and tell you he didn't hurt you, when clearly he did.
One is that,
even if he was
"sincere,"
a truly sincere
abuser still has
a snowball's
chance in hell
of becoming
non-abusive.
So. . . . take the
question of his
"sincerity" out
of your equation.
Second, to threaten
suicide if you won't
be in relationship
with him is a form
of manipulation
called
emotional extortion.
It's really, REALLY
SICK. In addition,
it's totally CRUEL.
So, what can we
deduce. . . . .?
We can conclude
that this person
is really sick
and really cruel.
You cannot
be responsible
for either his
repair or his
longevity.
These are
HIS responsibilities.
To claim that anything
about his abuse
is your fault
is evidence of
his total toxicity.
And to attempt
to guilt you into
believing you
didn't give him
enough chances,
is simply a crock.
At the first sign
of abuse in a
relationship,
we can exercise
our free will
to decide
to remove ourself.
Think of it this way:
If you discovered
that you were in
a radioactive zone
and were being
bombarded with
radioactivity,
how many times
would you
be interested
in returning to
that place, to
see how much
exposure you
could absorb
before you
were posioned
by the radioactivity?
Finally. . . . . I know
it seemed like a
tempting way to
get out of being
with him, to suggest
that you could be
his friend,
but there is
no way to do that
and stay safe.
Please consider
going NO CONTACT.
If it feels too
harsh to do that,
first, give him
the phone numbers
of social services in
your area, and
THEN go NO CONTACT.
And if you can't
believe that you
were abused,
but remained
confused and
feeling crazy,
I urge you to
connect with
a counselor
whose specialty
is identifying abuse
and helping people
recover from having
been abused.
You are obviously
articulate, compassionate,
all kinds of great things.
You have what you need
inside. Some of it may
benefit from cliniical
validation and support.
You don't have to let
him hold your life hostage
to his dysfunctionality.
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength and
clarity.
"he threatened suicide, said I was the only girl for him and that he could never love anyone else"
That kind of thinking freaks me out. Please be safe, and stay No Contact.
He is abusive. He will never change. No Contact is the only way to handle this situation.