Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I had been doing so so well. I was starting to feel like me again, but tonight was a major set back.
He apologized to me on Saturday, saying he was sorry for all the nasty things he's said to me, that he only said them because he was trying to heal.
It made me angry because I felt there was still a hint of blame in there but I felt the same desperation for closure swelling up inside of me. Yesterday, I broke down and texted him that I wanted to talk and he said it wasn't a good idea, which I did not reply to, because I agreed with that sentiment. Then today he messaged me wanting to know what I wanted to talk about, then when I didn't respond right away he started getting antsy and said, " I knew I shouldn't have even tried with you. Nevermind". Right off the bat, it was the same feeling all over again. I didn't immediately respond to his needs so he pitched a fit.
I responded about an hour later saying that I just wanted to express how much our relationship had meant to me and I respected and cared for him as a human being. HUGE mistake. He launched in to all the bad I'd ever done. I felt myself crumbling and started apologizing. I said, "im sorry you never felt I love you". He responded, "All these nice girls hitting me up now have shown way more effort than you ever did."
THAT ONE hurt. It hurt so bad I felt like I was choking on a dagger. I got angry. I did not want engage in the toxic, but I was so mad. I said that maybe ALL THESE GIRLS were putting in so much effort because their lives hadn't been threatened yet. That treatment is only special for me.
At that point it became extremely vicious. He called me an "asshole". Continued to say that I never loved him or cared. I went from angry to desperate and again said I was sorry he felt I never love him the way he wanted. He said, "I'm sorry you PISSED away my love because you're Lost." That HIS therapist was fired because she was WRONG. Who knows what that was about?
I failed tonight because I engaged him. I failed myself because I kept apologizing. I failed myself because I still care. But it's OK. It's where I'm at. I have to look at it as not a loss but a gain. It's further proof of who he is. He IS NOT a nice person. He is incapable of having any type of emotional conversation.
I told him I wasn't going to respond to hurtful statements anymore, that I am choosing positivey in my life and there is no more room for the negative. He told me to , Good for you, leave me alone, Please.
It hurts. But Im Ok. I thought after the apology I was going to get my neat ending, but there is no neat ending with these men. Theyre never will be.
He apologized to me on Saturday, saying he was sorry for all the nasty things he's said to me, that he only said them because he was trying to heal.
It made me angry because I felt there was still a hint of blame in there but I felt the same desperation for closure swelling up inside of me. Yesterday, I broke down and texted him that I wanted to talk and he said it wasn't a good idea, which I did not reply to, because I agreed with that sentiment. Then today he messaged me wanting to know what I wanted to talk about, then when I didn't respond right away he started getting antsy and said, " I knew I shouldn't have even tried with you. Nevermind". Right off the bat, it was the same feeling all over again. I didn't immediately respond to his needs so he pitched a fit.
I responded about an hour later saying that I just wanted to express how much our relationship had meant to me and I respected and cared for him as a human being. HUGE mistake. He launched in to all the bad I'd ever done. I felt myself crumbling and started apologizing. I said, "im sorry you never felt I love you". He responded, "All these nice girls hitting me up now have shown way more effort than you ever did."
THAT ONE hurt. It hurt so bad I felt like I was choking on a dagger. I got angry. I did not want engage in the toxic, but I was so mad. I said that maybe ALL THESE GIRLS were putting in so much effort because their lives hadn't been threatened yet. That treatment is only special for me.
At that point it became extremely vicious. He called me an "asshole". Continued to say that I never loved him or cared. I went from angry to desperate and again said I was sorry he felt I never love him the way he wanted. He said, "I'm sorry you PISSED away my love because you're Lost." That HIS therapist was fired because she was WRONG. Who knows what that was about?
I failed tonight because I engaged him. I failed myself because I kept apologizing. I failed myself because I still care. But it's OK. It's where I'm at. I have to look at it as not a loss but a gain. It's further proof of who he is. He IS NOT a nice person. He is incapable of having any type of emotional conversation.
I told him I wasn't going to respond to hurtful statements anymore, that I am choosing positivey in my life and there is no more room for the negative. He told me to , Good for you, leave me alone, Please.
It hurts. But Im Ok. I thought after the apology I was going to get my neat ending, but there is no neat ending with these men. Theyre never will be.
I hope you don't mind me asking, did you write him after he cussed at you the first time or he just apologized right afterwards?
Good for you to look at this as a gain. Further proof of his disordered, twisted thinking.
Hugs to you
He doesn't invest much energy in what he says to you, but he knows it hurts you. So he keeps on doing it. He should know you are not coming back and that you don't need him for closure.
He deceived you. No matter what he says. He deceived you.
And as rosen said, it's not a failure if you learned from it. Keep mindful of how this whole interaction went, remember your last sentences: "I thought after the apology I was going to get my neat ending, but there is no neat ending with these men. Theyre never will be." Next time you are tempted to break no contact, reread those last sentences.
Finally, give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for this: "It hurts. But I'm Ok". You are ok - you are very strong, you are worth way more than he deserves and he knows it - that's why he has to fight so hard to try to prevent YOU knowing it. The apologies from you are as much a habit as anything - it's what you always did to keep the peace, to keep him, to protect yourself from the worst he could do. So don't beat yourself up for that either - it's a hard habit to break.
You are doing great, don't lose sight of the fact you are doing GREAT, even with that little lapse.
There are people who care about you and want to see you well and happy and RESPECTED by the man who is supposed to love you. And this guy may not find you essential enough in his life and give himself the permission to abuse you, but it's not all you are. You are an entire world that means a lot to others.
He is telling you to my understanding that he is keeping things light, and uncommitted and you are asking for some deep thoughts which he doesn't have. So he will behave like a child that is taunting and torturing his mother. It's a cruel game and the only thing that worked for me was figuring my abuser out, trusting myself again that I can protect myself and wanting desperately NO CONTACT.
You are in an addiction, IMHO, and you need to now treat is as one.
If you were a junkie, you'd be back to Day One, right? I'd think of it that way. Set goals like One Day; One Week; One Month; One Season; One Year.
The stakes have to be high enough to not want to mess up your count and go back down to Day One.
Otherwise, you'll keep picking at that scab and the scars will just get deeper.
Do whatever you have to do to make yourself say that you will NEVER AGAIN make yourself available to him.
WHY did you contact him to begin with? What emptiness did you hope his toxic presence would fill???