In order to heal all of the things you mentioned in your post, it is imperative that you focus on yourself. Until you find yourself again (or for the first time) and LOVE yourself and take good care of you, you won't find any pleasure in the things you're trying to do now. That's because they are distractions. And, I'd bet that trying to do things you used to like to do is getting a little too close to the part of you that is in so much pain. Sadly, that's normal.

You don't say how long it's been since you've been in therapy or how long you've been away from your abuser or how long you were abused. I can tell you that it will take a LONG time to heal and the only way to do that is to focus on you.

You said you are a workaholic. That is one of many ways we use to distract ourselves so we don't have to deal with the painful stuff. And the trauma from abuse that we are left with IS painful.

Reaching out to exes is a distraction - a distraction from YOURSELF. And there is a reason why they are your exes. So, I would have to agree with the thought that your therapist probably would say don't do this.

Books aren't going to help you other than allow you to intellectually understand. Sadly, we can't heal by using our intellect. We have to heal on a deeper emotional level.

The LONGEST distance between ANYTHING is the distance between our heads and our hearts. Please consider doing the work instead of reading about it.

I know this seems counter intuitive, but analyzing and understanding everything about abuse does NOT heal it. I went to therapy and talked and talked til I was blue in the face and nothing changed. I often left a session feeling worse than when it started. I read every self help book I could find and nothing changed.

Then I found the right therapist and, After 6 years of intense therapy, using several modalities, I started to heal. And, I FINALLY figured out that I don't have to understand everything in my healing OR even what exactly I am healing. In order to do that, tho, it's crucial to have QUALIFED therapist. I also discovered that everything I need to heal is within me. It just takes the right therapist to bring that out. Therapists don't heal us, we heal ourselves.

I had lost myself in my almost 4 decade marriage. My distraction was shopping. That's how I didn't deal w/the feelings that needed healing. After I stopped that, I found other things to take its place, like addiction to chaos, drama and suffering. These were all ways of not having to face myself. I was terrified of healing because I thought it would be painful. With the right therapist, we don't have to suffer to heal.

When I finally found the right therapist, I made a commitment to myself. No new relationships OR other distractions until I was well on my healing path. For me that was the right decision because after a couple of years of therapy, I could recognize and honor the red flags so I didn't get involved with toxic people. I also decided that before I fall in love with someone else, I am going to fall madly in love with myself. I am now in that process. And part of that process is healing the traumas. If we don't, we are bound to repeat them in similar ways.

I encourage you to work on healing your traumas and take especially good care of yourself.

~healing hugs~

You are right. I think I wanted to reach out to them because it would temporarily make me feel good. An ego boost since I feel so bad about myself right now. It would also be a reminder of what it felt like when I was happy. I guess I just wanted to ask them what I used to be like so I could "find me again" as stupid as that sounds.
Well...if doing all my old things that used to make me happy doesn't anymore, than what will?
I guess I'll have to try harder and figure it out with my therapist. But I noticed that when I was exercising, working a job I loved, going to church and having fun with my friends, I was very happy.
Right now, I don't have the greatest job and my life is rougher than it was before I got with my ex. I was with him for a year but broke up several years ago.
I "moved on" as many people would say physically, as in I haven't spoken or talked to him in years. I have developed hobbies, made new friends, got a new job and moved forward with my life in many ways. However, I have not been able to meet or be in a relationship since I ended my relationship with him. I have, however, dated several man, and there were quite a few that treated me badly.
I've gotten books on how to rebuild my self esteem. I can sit in therapy for years and try to analyze my behavior, but it won't work unless it's in conjunction with me actually going out and living my life.
I'm not desperate for a relationship, but I am eager to find myself again and find my happiness again. How can I do that? Go places by myself? Find new hobbies? Go back to school and get another degree? That's what I'm working on right now.

A very wise therapist once told me that in order to have a happy healthy positive relationship with others, we must first have that relationship with ourselves. That's where the therapy comes in.
Loving and accepting ourselves is crucial for that relationship.

IMHO, the reason you aren't enjoying the things you used to may be because you need to heal from the trauma of all of the abuse. Once that is healed (or well on the way to healing) you may find yourself enjoying the same things you used to.

Believe it or not, one huge reason why we don't enjoy the same things is because deep down subconsciously or unconsciously, we don't believe we deserve it and/or we haven't forgiven ourselves for having ended up in an abusive relationship(s).

You sound so much l like me when you said you guess you'll have to try harder and figure it out with your therapist. I ended up making it way harder than it had to be. I 'worked' so hard that I wore myself out. I had such high expectations for myself. I kept forgetting that it took years to get to where I was so that it would take a good while to heal.

To answer you last question,
I'm including a great video, How to be Alone,
( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs )

HOWEVER, I want to stress that you don't have to do anything except observe yourself and then accept where you are and allow your feeling to bubble up and observe them. Don't judge or analyze them. Instead treat yourself like you would if a small child was having these feelings. Hug her (you); reassure her she did the best she could & nurture her. And forgive her (you).

Congratulations on going back to school & getting another degree! All the things you mentioned doing in your last paragraph are certainly great goals, as long as we don't use them as distractions.

I suggest doing things like:

* sitting in nature and reconnecting to it - other than therapy, it's one of the most healing things we can do

* sitting quietly and asking yourself 'what do I want/like to do?'

* doing guided imagery for relaxation (www.healthjourneys.com offers a free 15 min. relaxation download - I love her stuff and am a very happy customer) or find something you like on youtube

* practicing daily gratitude by keeping a gratitude diary (it changed the way I see things & other than therapy, it is responsible for the greatest changes I've made in my life)

* practicing staying in the now instead of worrying about the past or the future - all we have is this very moment

* Find a QUALIFIED trauma recovery/release therapist who offers more modalities than just talk therapy. I found a combination of hypnotherapy, breath work and various tools like meditation & gratitude worked the best for me. Find what works for you. (IMHO just talk therapy will not get to the pain/trauma that are stored at the emotional & cellular levels.)

Healing doesn't have to be hard. But it does take time. Healing is also not linear. At best it goes a step or two forward and one back, sideways, circular, and/or zig zag. I like to call it recycling because we usually can't heal everything at once, and especially not on all levels, so we need to revisit. But it's usually on a deeper level.

Obviously, there are lots of other things you can do. Find what works for you. That is where your determination and commitment to yourself will pay off. :-)

ou ended youir thread with:

has anyone else lost themselves in a relationship?

Anyone who's been victimized
in and abusive relationship
has lost her or himself.
So, sadly, that comes
out being far too many
people.

MTC always provides valuable
suggestions and she certainly
did, here.

I'm going to add an element
that I've found to be ESSENTIAL
to both healing and, in the course
of healing, recovering one's
spirit.

To say, practice self-care
may sound simplistic.
But it's not. It's
FUNDAMENTAL.

Practicing self-care
means doing whatever
it takes to be nuturing
and noursihing to one's
well-being and growth.

When we do that
consistently, our
spirit is nourished.
When our spirit is
nourished, if it's
been damaged
by abuse or any
other reason,
the injury begins
to heal.

Healing is possible.
As MTC said, it's not
linear. It requires
effort and it usually
takes time. But it
happens.

Many of us have
experienced healing.
You will too.

Please take good care.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

I know exactly how you feel, I left my ex at the end of 2013 and I felt exactly the same, still do really but am on the mend. I have found that I am starting to get back to the more happy go lucky me, but having said that I know I am changing too into a different person than before, for the first time in my life (Im 31) I have started wearing makeup and properly doing my hair when I go out. I was always very much a tomboy growing up and never had any interest in makeup and very lazy with my hair but a change has come over me and I want to do it now, I don't think I will ever be the same person I was before but hopefully I will be a better person.

It will take time to get back to enjoying things, there's things I used to enjoy and still cant face them yet but one day I hope to. Having said that there are things that last year I struggled to do and now find it easier, give yourself time to heal and don't feel bad if you cant face doing things yet, it will come :)