Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I wanted to start a conversation about red flags that we missed that might have clued us into abuse being possible. I know there are many lists floating around out there, but I just wanted to personalize it just for anyone out there that has the same experience.
One major red flag that I missed with my husband is that he made his ex-girlfriend out to be such a monster. It is so clear to me now because now he's made me out to be a monster to everyone, including the new women he's dating now.
One story or incident that stuck out to me was that, at the beginning of our relationship, he said he would never eat at Qdoba (not actually Qdoba, but a similar chain that starts with a C) because he went there once with his ex-girlfriend and she made the experience hellish for him. But maybe I could take him and make it up for him. Of course, being the good girlfriend I was, I thought that I could _prove_ to him it was such a great experience, since I liked eating there. Well, we went, and he made it such a awful experience (acting like he had PTSD or something) that I actually have never been back.
Unfortunately, we live together still (hopefully not much more than a week or two longer) and he flaunted that one of his new girls took him to Qdoba. I'm sure he probably used the same line that he did with me :/
Long story short: ex was a monster and you have to be the one to rectify their experience? Red flag.
One major red flag that I missed with my husband is that he made his ex-girlfriend out to be such a monster. It is so clear to me now because now he's made me out to be a monster to everyone, including the new women he's dating now.
One story or incident that stuck out to me was that, at the beginning of our relationship, he said he would never eat at Qdoba (not actually Qdoba, but a similar chain that starts with a C) because he went there once with his ex-girlfriend and she made the experience hellish for him. But maybe I could take him and make it up for him. Of course, being the good girlfriend I was, I thought that I could _prove_ to him it was such a great experience, since I liked eating there. Well, we went, and he made it such a awful experience (acting like he had PTSD or something) that I actually have never been back.
Unfortunately, we live together still (hopefully not much more than a week or two longer) and he flaunted that one of his new girls took him to Qdoba. I'm sure he probably used the same line that he did with me :/
Long story short: ex was a monster and you have to be the one to rectify their experience? Red flag.
For me, I missed a million red flags within a few days of meeting my ex. That she was drunk when I met her was probably the first and biggest one.
With the woman I am with.just broken up with now - she flat out told me she had issues, and basically called hersef "crazy" and "intense". I knew she had a history of drug abuse in her teens and 20s, had gone through in-patient rehab at a mental hospital, and had issues with depression and lonliness. I just figured that because she was open about it, she had a good grasp on it and it would not be an issue. I didn't realize these were all signs of much deeper issues.
But yeah... I knew what I was getting myself into. The Flags were waving like crazy! lol
One instance( while just dating) that showed me how controlling he was... Our friends were joining us for dinner and they had a young child, the child didn't want to eat with us, he preferred to play quietly with his toys in the living room and he was a really good calm kid. The child's mother said he had eaten recently so it was fine with her. Should have been all set then, huh?? NOPE!! My husband insisted that the boy join us at the table. " That is how people eat dinner" blah blah.... It was soooo awkward!
Over the years my husband's views on " How things SHOULD be" have been a real issue. I don't give into him at all anymore. When he says.. "You should.... it should.. should should should...
I say.. "Says You" !! I do what I want!
I missed...
The jealousy. Thought it was cute he loved me that way
The possessiveness
The isolation ofy friends and family
Making me his object
Making sex my wifely duty
His stonewalling
His child like behavior
His inability to accept my career
Being mad if I went anywhere without him
Wouldn't allow me spending money
Stopped home for bathroom breaks to ck on me
I could continue. But you get the point. I missed these things because I loved him and made myself really believe that I was difficult to live with. Too independent.
So I say..take the gf because the wife isn't crazy. I'm normal. She's crazy going back to someone who dumped her married someone else and then went back.
Better her then me'
the last time I dated
seriously, because it
didn't seem all that enormous
at the time. Looking back it
was a blazing red flag.
It was January. A couple
times when we went up to
his bedroom to fool around,
I observed that the room was
chilly and suggested turning
up the heat.
His response was several
varations of, "get used to it."
At the end, when I discovered
that he was a bald-faced liar
who had used me for his
good times, for the last
months we were together,
his dismissal of my needs
and simple request for heat,
back at the start of our "thing,"
showed he had illustrated vividly
who he actually was, but I had
missed it.
*If she comes on too strong (varies with age)
*If she tries to psychoanalyze you (she's just getting amo)
*If she's incrementally demonizing people she's known; especially consider who she's demonizing. This chick eventually was demonizing her own daughter.
*If she's milking her story.
It's hard to tell because everyone on the planet has a story to tell, sins committed to them, sins they've committed... On the one hand everyone sooner or later has to debrief or they never learn, they'll go nuts or some other shit'lll happen. On the other, since we can't read minds, we don't know if we're on the tail end of being mindfucked. ONE POSSIBLE marker: Things should move slowly for the first six months - no sex, living together, committing to each other... Yes by all means spend time getting to know, but have a healthy respectful distance. After the six months, mutual agreement has to be on how things go in getting closer, but it's best to still move slow. It's not a race. Actually, there should be mutual agreement all along. The getting to know each other part is designed to learn how people balance strengths and weaknesses on their own terms in themselves. If s/he is whining about another person, s/he's not done with that person and another person can't fix that. Also, does a person exercise self control through her/him self or through another. If it's the latter - RUN.
One stairy goes like this, One of his ex's apparently got into a cult, and the leader of this cult must have convinced her to kill him (my ex) as one night he lay sleeping and for no reason his then gf tried to strangle him in his sleep! I hate to think what the missing piece and real version of that story is but I can bet it involved that poor woman most likely going through hell and back with him and maybe she had flipped and had enough of him or maybe he tried to strangle he instead? Who knows?
There's so many more
:him telling me he wasn't nice all the time (unfortunately all
I saw was someone with low self esteem who like when thin people protest that they are fat, he was a nice person being too hard on himself) little did I know!
: he was abused by his parents and his stories were horrible.
: every three months at the beginning he would become like a different person and be really moody and snappy, this lasted for about 6 years with a slow progression throughout those 6 years of it becoming more frequent and worse but not so much so that I could see it for abuse, then he turned it up a bit, I did question something wasn't right about my relationship but used to tell myself "not my allan" who had been lovely for 6 years, apart from odd mood swings, (this was my thought process of it) then it just got worse and worse and come the time I was pregnant, abuse was the most obvious thing in the world to me, but it still took me 14-15 months after our daughter was born for me to get away from him. That was the biggest flag I ever missed!! His change of personality on a regular basis! He was clever enough to spread it out so far apart until he has me hooked!
Because he was 41 and I was 17 I used to love the fact that he had lived a bit and had all these stories to tell me.
Most of these stories were far fetched, like he's always done security work and he was in marsal arts and was good at that side of things, anyway his stories would be about his security work, when someone tried to kill him, or when someone stabbed him with a syringe and he had to have tests for HIV and whatever, or the time he used to patrol an old big manor house with loads of really expensive belongings in and he had to walk around in the dark and he would hear footsteps behind him as he thought it was haunted, he said "it was really scary, I don't normally get scared but that scared me!"
And when he worked at a mental hospital and things happened there as well with ghosts following him and patience trying to escape etc....
His stories were gripping and I have no doubt that some may hold some truths but when I think abut how interesting his life had been and how I was literally impressed and hooked even more on him, I do think these were red flags, maybe a tactic or his, although I've never heard anyone on here say it was a similar red flag, perhaps others will have experienced this type of thing, but looking back now I can see that it wasn't normal.
I think this is a ready good topic for a thread. I have been going over aqnd over the red flags that I missed. I knew my ex for seven months before we started dating. He was my next door neighbor. I had a good long period of time just to observe him. After my first abusive relationship, I was hypervigilant. I still am. I live in an urban area, and I can tell you the license plate numbers of the cars who frequently park within two blocks of my home, who drives them and what their usual work hours are... all without trying. My first ex would frequently stalk me, so I guess observing my surroundings became a way of life, something I do without thinking about it.
My point is... That with seven months to observe this man, I must haveshaveseen something that was off...
I do remember coming home one day and finding this man standing in my driveway smoking a cigarette. He gave me the creeps. I didn't like the way he looked at me like I was something to eat. He barely moved put of the way, and then tried to get really close to me. I was able to get in my house, thankfully.
The guy was a friend of my ex's. A true friend, and not someone he met from his world of academia. Later, he would introduce me to his professional friends and his best friend, but I never met this guy.
I look back on it now and think of it as a warning sign. My friends are all really nice people. He carefully selected who I met.
This proves there was a side of him he didn't want me to see. The stories I was told probably didn't align with what his other group of friends knew about him.
I was an open book because I had nothing to hide. He wasn't, and ihe did.. have a lot to hide that is!
That was major sign number one... there were and are a lot of other signs. More to come!
This speaks volumes for my relationship, but I was already deep into it before I realized it. His actions were always, according to him, actually a reaction to something I had done in the past.
He demonized his ex-wife, who was still his wife when we met. He demonized his mother, who from what he and his sister told me, was abused herself by his father.
He was very controlling which I saw as caring.
He was very jealous which I saw as flattering.
He was very giving but everything came with strings attached. He would then use whatever gift he gave me as a way to "make me see" that he was then owed something in return.
He told me a week after meeting me that he was in love with me which I saw as a compliment coming from a strong man who was beaten down by his evil wife.
I could go on and on. The entitlement issues, the superiority complex when in fact he was very insecure.
In the end I look back and wonder how I could have fallen for it. We see scammers on the news and can't believe they've pulled off some of the things they have and this was just a scam.
I hear ya. I find that I'm living with a lot of embarrassment now. Not just with this last ex, but with all of the women that I've been with. I'm stuck in a pattern, and with this last one I knew this, but did the same actions, though for different reasons.
I find myself wondering about me in the mix, because I'm a common denominator. I'm trying to deal with it without being mean to me. Sometimes I worry because I notice that sometimes I feel like I'm put at arms length with some people and I wonder am I putting out vibes of unhealthy-ness? Am I displaying a behavior that's sending a message that makes others uneasy? But then I have to be careful because I don't want to start giving amo to memories of the women in my life who were constantly telling me - even as a little girl - that I 'scare people'.
I want to believe in myself; but how can I know before hand what to expect from a combination of me and another?
Throwing his ex under the bus and saying that she was crazy. I never thought it was him who was crazy, LOL.
Raging about blacks to the point that when we chose to move cross country I did the research to find a city that had a low population of blacks. I never realized that he'd find some other group of people to complain and condemn about.
He came from a family history of alcoholism and depression.
He shoplifted and he was already 25 years old and I thought it was just a phase. Turns out he's had issues with that since kindergarten and somehow never got into real trouble for it???
He would drive drunk big time. Again, I thought that for a 25-26 year old guy that it was normal just out of college behavior. I didn't recognize his indignant attitude towards authority. DUH!
Oh, there were so many more that I probably saw but didn't even recognize. Shortly after we married we got a dog and I remember him beating the puppy on the head and kicking her. I was shocked, I never saw a human do that before. And, still I stayed and made excuses for his behavior.
I had a good excuse for ALL of his bad behavior. Never once asking him to take responsibility for himself, ever. I was a codependent in the making without even knowing it!
1-he told me loved me early on in the relationship
2-he would get angry,over little things
3-he was quite forcefull
4-he talked badly of his ex,and admitted to cheating on her,some time into their relationship,as she travelled when he didnt want her to,which i thought very bizare!
5-his mother did most things for him
6-he coud be immature
7-sense of entitlement