Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been struggling with this from the very beginning. I mentioned it in my first post and my mind was set to ease somewhat. But, as much as I try I can't stop having these thoughts.
3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was completely out of character for me. We were friends, both somewhat unhappy, commiserated with each other and really care about each other. It was long term and we are still in contact w each other. At the time, I was married 15 yrs, and never ever did I once stray or even consider it. But things were a little rocky. (It was all there in my first post)the guilt was killing me and I came here to cheaters anonymous over a yr ago I think. Then this past October it was suggested I come here due to how my marriage was going. A friend suggested that my marriage was abusive. Then I started putting pieces together and tracked things back to about 12 yrs.
My question... I can't help but feel if I didn't have the affair, would I still b somewhat satisfied in my marriage? Did that make me "think" things were worse?
I've talked at length with my IC and she reassures me that affairs do not cause marriages to break up. And that they are symptoms of a sick marriage. And that of the marriage was strong and healthy, there would not have been room in my heart for anyone else.
How did others realize and uncover that their relationships are abusive?
3 yrs ago I had an affair. It was completely out of character for me. We were friends, both somewhat unhappy, commiserated with each other and really care about each other. It was long term and we are still in contact w each other. At the time, I was married 15 yrs, and never ever did I once stray or even consider it. But things were a little rocky. (It was all there in my first post)the guilt was killing me and I came here to cheaters anonymous over a yr ago I think. Then this past October it was suggested I come here due to how my marriage was going. A friend suggested that my marriage was abusive. Then I started putting pieces together and tracked things back to about 12 yrs.
My question... I can't help but feel if I didn't have the affair, would I still b somewhat satisfied in my marriage? Did that make me "think" things were worse?
I've talked at length with my IC and she reassures me that affairs do not cause marriages to break up. And that they are symptoms of a sick marriage. And that of the marriage was strong and healthy, there would not have been room in my heart for anyone else.
How did others realize and uncover that their relationships are abusive?
It's not something you can be satisfied with, because he is effectively killing the marriage from the inside, with control and mistreatment.
I may be out on a limb, but I am sensing that you have guilt over the affair which is corroding you and your belief that it is right to leave.
Your counsellor is right. If your marriage was not being killed by abuse, you probably would not have looked elsewhere for comfort and support.
Honestly, before I left my husband, I was friends with a guy. Long distance, so nothing happened in person, and as it turned out nothing ever came of it. I did that, but it did not change what had happened in my relationship for the nine years leading up to that - a man slowly gaining control of me, battering me body and spirit, and turning my love for him to pity and dislike.
My take? Your marriage was and is abusive. I really, really doubt that your affair could have impacted such a fundamental truth about the way your husband is. I agree with your counsellor, it was a symptom. Even if your husband decided it was OK to use the fact of your actions to abuse you: nothing excuses abuse. NOTHING.
Please be kind to yourself... you were hurt, lonely, and maybe the affair was not the best decision you have ever made, but we are all human beings. Lots of hugs xxx
I wish I could stop my mind when it goes off thinking like this. I've been working on Ilene's Clarifying Index card project and I have a pretty nice sized stack. It's all right there in b&w and yet it's the guilt. I'm catholic. I even went and confessed. I felt better for a while but these thoughts keep resurfacing.
It's frustrating and confusing. And yet my IRL support -my sis is the only one who knows about the affair - reminds me that I've traced my husbands behaviors back over 12 yrs. long before the affair.
I don't know. Somedays I wish I could just turn my mind off from rambling thoughts.
Hugs,
one of the things abusers use so well are our own feelings of responsibility and guilt that keep us rooted, trying new things, changing ourselves into the perfect mate, and we only see them for the capturing net they are way after the fact. this seems almost like a phantom pain, like your psyche is in that knee-jerk reaction...if only i never did this, things would have been different, if only i were better, he wouldn't be such an abusive jackass. but your ego is strong, so it's not convinced, and you're confused. and i think your affair helped you get there, and i think it's freakin awesome.
my ex was a master at the 'i don't know what you're talking about' and 'you're crazy to make a big deal of this' and 'well if you took it that way i'm sorry' and pretty much constantly blasting me with apathy and invalidation. i was unhappy, but it was hard to articulate, and i have trouble believing things i can't articulate. so i stood there. and then my dad died.
my dad was such a warm, wonderful influence in my life, and taught me so much, and after he died he just kept on teaching so i kept on listening. and watching my ex absolutely abandon me in my grief and kicking me at precisely the moments where i asked for his help provided some nice, black and white, non-negotiable evidence of abuse for me to stand on, and the taller i stood the more i saw things for what they were and every rationalization i had used to hold everything in place.
my dad was a super affectionate loving old school italian who raised me to me nurturing and sacrificing, like the picture of mama celeste on the pizza boxes, but he never would have sanctioned these qualities being used against me. i feel like he painted the picture for me to see because i didn't have the strength to shut my eyes anymore, and then turned on the lights.
maybe your affair kept your coals burning just enough so your compass didn't completely point east, and kept you connected to that piece of you so many of us lose in these destructive relationships. you kept it alive because you had to, and the affair was the vehicle. in the absence of the affair, you still seek for the missing part and it leads you to realizations about your marriage. when the voice says "it's your own fault, you ruined it with your affair" the missing piece says no, that's not it either. this is your trail of breadcrumbs, don't second guess it.
i think your affair was a soul-saver, and that part of you that refused to be killed is a strength you should be proud of, and sometimes that same part of society that says "gasp! but your marriage vows!" are the same ones that put blinders on and wait for death to release them from their own honeymoon. so, you know, consider the source.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input as well. My husband never found out Altho I struggled a lot in the beginning with telling him. But in looking back and what I know now, I am so glad I never did. He would have held that over my head forever and focused only on that and would never had addressed the deeper marital issues we were having.... Not like he addressed them anyway....
Fortress - I do try that - yell at myself to Stop! But I started getting funny looks from people in the supermarket ;)
This board is a life saver. I always feel better after I can talk things out.
And, man, don't be so hard on yourself! There is nothing lonelier than being married to a narcissist!
That said, you might be surprised at just how many abuse victims have had (at least emotional) affairs. As Vern said, it's a part of us trying to stay alive. And while, as I said, I don't condone it, I do understand it. It's a symptom. It's no different to the one time I hit my ex - I don't condone that, either, but it was also a symptom of what was really going on in the marriage.
The affair didn't cause the abuse, the abuse to an extent caused the affair. The affair also didn't cause you to see the abuse, the affair, I'm guessing, was your way of keeping the blinders on, so as to NOT see the abuse for a bit longer.
Hang in there Not. You are not to blame. It's that simple. Your recollected timeline proves that.
Peace girl. I can only imagine how hard all of this after being together for so long.
Many hugs.
In answer to your question, it was actually God that led me to the knowledge I have through a series of events that happened in an order that I know God managed on my behalf bc if I had known my H was a narcissist from the beginning I don't think I could have handled it. He's graciously allowed me to see things in doses that I can manage and then move on to the next level. I see in my life how God has helped me through this from way before I knew the truth about my H.
I'm sorry Liv. I too was always dead set against cheating. I always felt people should just leave not cheat. I always thought it just had to do with sex - the cheater wanted more, something different, etc.
In my case, I just craved to emotional connection.
I appreciate your advice and insight Godis.
Thank you for the support and understanding ltwist :)