Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My abusers are dead now. My father died a few years ago, and my mother died in January of this year. They can't hurt me anymore. Or maybe I am wrong about that.
The inside of my head is a nightmarish place. The fears and anxieties and thoughts they planted in my mind won't go away entirely. I'm a grownup now, but the ghosts of my past haunt me daily still.
I have brothers and sisters who went through some of what I went through, but while their abuse was bad, mine was much worse. I don't know why. They grew up, had families, got jobs and careers, and made lives for themselves. I didn't succeed like them. I haven't been able to keep jobs or relationships with people. But I'm 'clean' if you know what I mean by that - I've never used drugs or alcohol.
I want to connect with my brothers and sisters, but every time I think about it, the memories of the past abuse overtake me and leave me feeling depressed and hopeless and helpless. I have made some feeble efforts to connect with them that were failures.
My brother and sisters and I never got to know each other as children. I don't think I ever really talked to any of them, though we lived in the same house. Things were strange. There was yelling and violence all the time. There was starvation. There was filth and squalor. There was my mother's mental illness and my father's anger. That was what I knew as a child.
How do I, a failure in life, talk to my brothers and sisters, people who are better than me?
The inside of my head is a nightmarish place. The fears and anxieties and thoughts they planted in my mind won't go away entirely. I'm a grownup now, but the ghosts of my past haunt me daily still.
I have brothers and sisters who went through some of what I went through, but while their abuse was bad, mine was much worse. I don't know why. They grew up, had families, got jobs and careers, and made lives for themselves. I didn't succeed like them. I haven't been able to keep jobs or relationships with people. But I'm 'clean' if you know what I mean by that - I've never used drugs or alcohol.
I want to connect with my brothers and sisters, but every time I think about it, the memories of the past abuse overtake me and leave me feeling depressed and hopeless and helpless. I have made some feeble efforts to connect with them that were failures.
My brother and sisters and I never got to know each other as children. I don't think I ever really talked to any of them, though we lived in the same house. Things were strange. There was yelling and violence all the time. There was starvation. There was filth and squalor. There was my mother's mental illness and my father's anger. That was what I knew as a child.
How do I, a failure in life, talk to my brothers and sisters, people who are better than me?
I was thinking the same thing about my sibs too. They and I do not know each other and for sure they don't love me. They don't talk to me but they are close with each other. That alone hurts ...a lot. I get through it by adopting my friends ad family. That works for me.
For you Beaumont, if you want to, you can find them and tell them your feelings. If they are receptive toyou, good. If they are not, then you will know. At least you will have some answers. Either way, you can get on with your life.
The other thing is, Beaumont, they are not better than you. You tried and they didn't want to are you. If it is futile to see them, you work on you.
I think a good therapist who deals with abuse issues and family dynamics is a path you need to walk. It works, it really does.
Sending hugs your way. You're going to fine.
Linda
I also want to show you my support because I'm in a similar situation with my birth siblings. I've chosen to cut them loose because there's such a huge age difference that they were part of the problem.
What do you hope for in connecting with your siblings - is it in your best interest? IMO, it's best to value yourself before connecting with them because of the idea of them that you have - that they're better than you. I know community is important but again IMO if one is used to being around negative situations, there's a tendency to keep that going until one says 'ENOUGHT!' It's great to seek support so long as one is getting from people capable of that. People who have a history of being incapable of that WILL NOT have your back or be encouraging. With my sister? It was like my 'failure' was her life's blood - it was as if she'd die if I succeeded at anything. She had to go.
Take care of yourself before you permit your siblings back in your life.
THE SILENT PARTNER AND THE SILENT MAJORITY
The Silent Partner is any relative who stands by silently while you are victimized, or who takes the abuser's side against the victim. She, or he, is usually the other parent, who abdicates her parental responsibility to protect her children, or, worse yet, sacrifices her children to the abuser in order to make her own life easier.
In most cases of birth-family abuse, there is usually not just one single Silent Partner. Several, if not many, family members collude with, protect, and cooperate with the abuser, and participate in scape-goating, pressuring, ostracizing, or trying to silence the victim. I will refer to these evil participants in our abuse as the Silent Majority, although that term requires a bit of clarification. In many instances they are far from silent. Although they might be silent about the actual abuse inflicted upon us, they can be quite vehement in insisting that the victim is wrong for not continuing to accept it.
While encouraging an abuser to operate freely in their midst, they will not be silent when it comes to criticizing the victim. They will look the other way when the victim is being mistreated, never validating her or defending her, and then attack her when she defends herself. The one that they gossip about, smear to others, judge, and condemn will invariably be the victim rather than the abuser. In their sick, evil, twisted minds, it is the long-suffering victim who is the family trouble-maker, never the abuser himself. They dont ever believe theres anything wrong with him. They dont see a problem with his behavior. Why? Its simple. Because birds of a feather stick together.