Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Has anyone here heard of this concept before? After thinking about it the issue has raised some questions for me about how best to help certain types of victims if they come here.
I was looking over information about Erin Pizzey (she helped found some of the first modern shelters for abused women and is a bit of a hero to me since she also actively advocates for male victims of abuse too) and was reminded that one of the things she talks about is how in many cases of domestic abuse the abuse is reciprocated.
Back when she first started up shelters for abused women she did a study on domestic abuse through interviewing the women. What she found was that in most of the cases the victims were also engaging in abusive behaviors (without realizing it).
Speaking scientifically, Pizzey's sample group in the study was too small and too localized to be able to say that this trend is likely to be universal. However, the hypothesis she came up with about how most victims (I think it was around 60%) of domestic abuse are likely to reciprocate the abuse does seem to hold a little merit when you look at the information we frequently cite here in this group.
We know for a fact that children who are abused while growing up have a higher likelihood of being abusers themselves as adults. In this sense the abuse they experienced while victims is later reciprocated (albeit against persons other than their abuser).
So wouldn't it also technically be possible for some adult victims of abuse to end up reciprocating it as well?
I VERY rarely see cases talked about in this group where it sounds like the victim is reciprocating abuse (thankfully). However, I have to wonder: how should we as a group handle cases where a victim comes here for support but reveals that they have engaged in abusive behavior towards their abuser or other people (such as their kids)?
What is the best way to handle such a situation without invalidating the victim's experience, but at the same time not minimize or condone their own abusive behavior?
I was looking over information about Erin Pizzey (she helped found some of the first modern shelters for abused women and is a bit of a hero to me since she also actively advocates for male victims of abuse too) and was reminded that one of the things she talks about is how in many cases of domestic abuse the abuse is reciprocated.
Back when she first started up shelters for abused women she did a study on domestic abuse through interviewing the women. What she found was that in most of the cases the victims were also engaging in abusive behaviors (without realizing it).
Speaking scientifically, Pizzey's sample group in the study was too small and too localized to be able to say that this trend is likely to be universal. However, the hypothesis she came up with about how most victims (I think it was around 60%) of domestic abuse are likely to reciprocate the abuse does seem to hold a little merit when you look at the information we frequently cite here in this group.
We know for a fact that children who are abused while growing up have a higher likelihood of being abusers themselves as adults. In this sense the abuse they experienced while victims is later reciprocated (albeit against persons other than their abuser).
So wouldn't it also technically be possible for some adult victims of abuse to end up reciprocating it as well?
I VERY rarely see cases talked about in this group where it sounds like the victim is reciprocating abuse (thankfully). However, I have to wonder: how should we as a group handle cases where a victim comes here for support but reveals that they have engaged in abusive behavior towards their abuser or other people (such as their kids)?
What is the best way to handle such a situation without invalidating the victim's experience, but at the same time not minimize or condone their own abusive behavior?
thank god its over a long time now
There are bunches of good quotes about the topic....
" He who Angers you, Controls You"
" Don't let any man put you low enough to hate him"
My favorite quote.. "Between Stimulus and response, there is a space, within that space is our ability to CHOOSE our response, in that response lies our growth and our freedom"
That's the worse part of abuse, it changes who you are and it's no surprise to me that if it doesn't succeed into turning us into "Sad Sacks" it will turn us into "Abuser Juniors"
There IS a third choice. It can turn us into strong, brave, warriors... it doesn't really even take anymore work then being turned into the other 2 choices.. it's actually easier, like Chinese finger cuffs...but it's that dang RESPONSE thing.. as humans, we almost always want to choose the wrong one.
On the one hand they're a victim in need of support. But on the other hand they're engaging in abusive behavior themselves, which isn't okay either.
I feel conflicted in such cases since the person needs support, but it feels like if they are called out on their own abusive behavior it sort of invalidates their status as a victim to some degree.
1. the victim has learned the abuse behaviors from the abuser - sometimes as a child, sometimes as an adult and many times as both
2. the learned behavior is reactive - in addition, new behaviors may crop up as a reaction to the abuse because many aren't taught healthy coping skills as children AND....
3. abuse damages more than one area of the brain. For example, it can cause the hippocampus to shrink up to 20%. that can cause the inability to make good decisions because one cannot see all the options available to them. There are other things that can happen, like ptsd. Plus it affects other parts of the brain.
But don't take my word for it. Do your own research. Here are two articles to get you started.
http://www.asca.org.au/WHAT-WE-DO/Resources/General-Information/Impact-on-the-physiology-of-the-brain
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/you-illuminated/201210/the-damaging-impact-abuse-brain-development