Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This past weekend has been even more of an eye opener then ever. My husband was in rare form with his controlling behavior. Apparently he is so good he doesn't even realize it. He told me last week that he wanted me to spend time with my sister to have me time yet when it came to the day he somehow got me to cancel plans and we did what he wanted to do. How did he do it?
As I posted already, we went to our friends house Saturday evening (which is what he really wanted to do), got really drunk and acted completely obnoxious. He apparently was guilt ridden when he woke up Sunday morning he went online and purchased $150 worth of self help (positive thinking and health wellness), ironically though he won't see a counselor because we can't afford it (but he spent $150 on self help stuff....
So fast forward to yesterday. He attended a one time free christian therapy session over the phone and as both my therapist and I suspect he did not tell the complete truth about how he treated me, because the therapist told him that the type of critism that he did to me happens in all relationships. He told me that my therapists approach to fixing me instead of "we" is popular but not recommended. I asked him if the therapist thought he should continue therapy individually and he said the therapist said no that he didn't need any individual therapy.
I do not feel like he is still not taking full owndership of the severity of what he has done to me, yet he tells me he is. He is telling me very sincerely that reading all the positive thinking articles, etc. he wants to be a better person, wants to put the past behind us so he can begin making new happy memories with me.
Why do I feel like this is just another tactic, yet I still second guess myself and feel confused when I am around him. Even when he said to me that I needed to stop shifting blame, that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage (according to christian and non christian articles) that we just need to move past it. And the best so far is he has brought up twice in the last 24 hours that it is not good for me to be on my anxiety/anti-depression meds because it makes me have no feelings. WHAT?!?!?!
Why when I step back does it seem so clear but when I in the midst of it with him do I feel so confused and constantly second guess myself and think maybe he is right and I am being too hard on him?
As I posted already, we went to our friends house Saturday evening (which is what he really wanted to do), got really drunk and acted completely obnoxious. He apparently was guilt ridden when he woke up Sunday morning he went online and purchased $150 worth of self help (positive thinking and health wellness), ironically though he won't see a counselor because we can't afford it (but he spent $150 on self help stuff....
So fast forward to yesterday. He attended a one time free christian therapy session over the phone and as both my therapist and I suspect he did not tell the complete truth about how he treated me, because the therapist told him that the type of critism that he did to me happens in all relationships. He told me that my therapists approach to fixing me instead of "we" is popular but not recommended. I asked him if the therapist thought he should continue therapy individually and he said the therapist said no that he didn't need any individual therapy.
I do not feel like he is still not taking full owndership of the severity of what he has done to me, yet he tells me he is. He is telling me very sincerely that reading all the positive thinking articles, etc. he wants to be a better person, wants to put the past behind us so he can begin making new happy memories with me.
Why do I feel like this is just another tactic, yet I still second guess myself and feel confused when I am around him. Even when he said to me that I needed to stop shifting blame, that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage (according to christian and non christian articles) that we just need to move past it. And the best so far is he has brought up twice in the last 24 hours that it is not good for me to be on my anxiety/anti-depression meds because it makes me have no feelings. WHAT?!?!?!
Why when I step back does it seem so clear but when I in the midst of it with him do I feel so confused and constantly second guess myself and think maybe he is right and I am being too hard on him?
is the textbook behavior patterns
of a classic abuser.
EVERYTHING.
Don't be confused.
You are being ABUSED.
And as for why you're clear
when you step back but
second guess youreself
when you're with him . . . .
that's a testament to
his CRAZYMAKING abilitiy.
As long as he can
get you to listen to him,
he can
spin you like a top.
The less you listen,
the less crazy
he will make you.
If I had a million pounds I'd bet all my money on the fact he is full of BS in every single thing he's telling u, EVERYTHING !!!!
He is constantly twisting and distorting reality and truth and this is why when u are around him u feel unsure! You are looking at things from a logical sense and trying to undo and decode all the BS and all he's doing is tangling it up more and more, twisting it even when your not fully questioning him because he wants u so far off his sent and off sense of reality so as then he has complete and utter control over u!
This is why it's called crazy making!
The only way for u to stop this is to walk away from him and go NC!
When someone in your life has the ability to play with your mind like that you have to stay the hell away from them because they are dangerous! Dangerous in what they are capable of as they have no boundaries and dangerous to you psychologically!
You literally loose yourself around them!
Your being dragged into a dance that your trying to put your feet onto the ground with to be grounded and he ain't gonna let u do that, he ain't gonna let u go!!!
He may pretend that he's gonna get better, but all it will ever ever EVER be is an illusion so as then he doesn't loose that which he's worked so hard to control, and that's you and your mind!
He tells u what to do then takes it away from you because he wants to assert his control, this guy is seriously messing with your head and u need to run!!
U may prob think I am being over dramatic but that's just his voice and your conditioning to accept his behavior fooling you, but I promise u this, I am not kidding when I said I'd put a million pounds on the fact he is doing what he's doing and it's not so often I read stories as psychologically crazy making manipulative as this guy !
I mean he's a total freak !!!
I am trying to get everything in order to take the next step, it is just really really hard because I am still in the house and trying to keep this as normal as possible for my two young children. He has managed not to behave inappropriately in front of the kids so far. In fact he seems to have gone to the opposite extreme by being the best dad in the world, makes me wonder if he is trying to play games with my head as if to get the kids to love him so if/when I leave I will be the bad guy. Everything that comes out of his mouth I try to analyze the meaning and each time I can come up with it being a manipulation tactic although on the surface he makes it sound so inocent and like he is really this good guy now.
Thank you for listening, you don't realize how much it means to me, it gives me support and strength. THANK YOU!!!!
Abusers recruit support in others and in their kids, effectively he's using your children, using them, like they are accessories to aid him in his war!
You are his target and he will use people as weapons to destroy his target so as then he conquers it for power and control,
My ex used our daughter but not in this way as she's just a baby but he was this really fantastic dad who loved her to bits and. Pulsnt get enough of her, when I said no more and put in place boundaries he walked away and has not been in contact since, not even over Christmas! She didn't even get a card off him!
I have no doubt what so ever that when she is older he may try to come back into her life and he will tell her that I stopped him from seeing her or that he couldn't stand being around me because I was such trouble or hard work or I hurt him so much or I abused him so he had to walk away! He will not be responsible because abusers refuse to take responsibility for anything! Unless it benefits them and their goals of control.
Just think about it, he's using your beautiful children!
Hesitate no more in getting your children and yourself away and into an abuse free environment. He's abusing them as well, even thou u say he's behaving himself, he's far from behaving himself, he's creating a false reality for them of who their dad is!
This is abuse also!
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http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0882822837/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1362510020&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
I wish he would not "try" to change, it has my mind going nuts. It shouldn't but for some reason it does, almost as if I think "what if he is changed?" Then I say it wouldn't matter but then I second guess myself. I am so frustrated with this. I just want to take the next step and get out but it is so hard.
Of course now he is being nice, telling me to go out, have "me time", he is taking care of the kids, he is "behaving" but I don't want it and it is so hard because I feel guilty. :( UGH!!!!
And the thing about putting the past behind you - well of COURSE he doesn't want to analyse who did worse or make any kind of amends for what he's done.
You are growing in strength, resolve and clarity. Don't beat yourself up, just keep reading and posting and thinking and watching.