Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I feel like a drama queen, but I am honestly struggling. I was in an abusive relationship for 22 years, the first 8 years physically, and then emotionally for the rest. I think the physical abuse only ended because I learnt to pacify him, and not do anything to aggravate things.
I finally found the strength t leave him about 4 years ago. It went much easier than I expected. I would never take him back, but I have to see and communicate with him still, because of the children :(.
I am still struggling with anxiety, and his voice is always in my head, getting at me. I have been having counselling for a couple of months now, and I have a great family, but no-one really understands. I know my negative thoughts have no reasoning, but I can't shake them. I thought I was doing ok, but just received the silliest of texts from him, and my body feel tight and stressed again. I feel irrational and attention seeking, but it won't go :(. He just asked if the kids think he is stupid, as they gave him that impression when he was at mine, dropping them back. I replied saying I dont understand what he means, and they would have only been playing. I honestly don't know what he is talking about. It was yesterday, fathers day, it all seemed to go ok to me. I cant speak to them about it, as I dont want them to worry. Its just a silly text, nothing much to it, why do I feel like this. I want these feeling to go away, its been 4 years and I still feel like I am in the wrong all the time.
I think I am reaching out for people like me, that have been through similar struggles and understand. My family say they understand, but they really don't, they couldn't.
I finally found the strength t leave him about 4 years ago. It went much easier than I expected. I would never take him back, but I have to see and communicate with him still, because of the children :(.
I am still struggling with anxiety, and his voice is always in my head, getting at me. I have been having counselling for a couple of months now, and I have a great family, but no-one really understands. I know my negative thoughts have no reasoning, but I can't shake them. I thought I was doing ok, but just received the silliest of texts from him, and my body feel tight and stressed again. I feel irrational and attention seeking, but it won't go :(. He just asked if the kids think he is stupid, as they gave him that impression when he was at mine, dropping them back. I replied saying I dont understand what he means, and they would have only been playing. I honestly don't know what he is talking about. It was yesterday, fathers day, it all seemed to go ok to me. I cant speak to them about it, as I dont want them to worry. Its just a silly text, nothing much to it, why do I feel like this. I want these feeling to go away, its been 4 years and I still feel like I am in the wrong all the time.
I think I am reaching out for people like me, that have been through similar struggles and understand. My family say they understand, but they really don't, they couldn't.
-notautomatic-
How can I change the way he physically makes me feel now? any advice appreciated, as I so want to take those steps :)
Old habits die hard, and your desire/need to pacify him, to be always aware of what he is thinking and feeling, what he will think or feel if ... and so on is a very old habit. And one that was necessary to your survival. It will take time for the whole of your being (rather than just your mind) to process that you don't need to worry so much about that stuff any more, to process that you are allowed to take care of you and your children, rather than only ever taking care of him. In the meantime, go easy on yourself - don't use words like silly, drama queen etc. Those are his words to diminish your very real feelings.
Accept that having continued contact will always be difficult (it can get easier, but will never be good) and that it's ok to struggle with it. As for the "silly" text - on the surface, yeah it's nothing really, just a text. But put it in its context, and you know that what he is really trying to do is blame you for something he imagines your children think or feel. And you have a long history of him blaming and punishing you for everything under the sun, so it's not at ALL surprising (or irrational, or silly, or attention seeking or drama queen or any of the other dismissive words you want to use) that even those few words would get to you. Remind yourself again and again that you are NOT responsible for his feelings or his thoughts, you do NOT have to fix everything for him and you are NOT wrong all the time.
And if the kids do think he's stupid, well that's on him. I don't suggest you say that to him, because it will just cause more aggression from him, and you will never convince him that he's responsible for anything, ever - but you can say it to yourself. He is responsible for his feelings, not you.
Finally ... take REALLY good care of you. Remind yourself constantly that you deserve to take very good care of yourself, that you are worth it and that it's HE who was always wrong when he made you feel you had to ignore your own needs, wishes and desires in favour of his whims and demands.
Your words are wise and understanding to what I am feeling. My family are really great, its just that they lack the understanding in what I am going through now, often comparing it to other things. I don't even understand it myself, but yes it is a very physical feeling.
My counselor said I should question the negative things I think about myself (his voice), which I am doing more and more. But I struggle with the way my body reacts to these situations. I have had about 9 sessions in counselling, and sadly only have 3 more, which worries me :(. Its only since the appointments, that I have felt brave enough to put family photos up, wear jewellery and open a facebook account :)
Does anyone know from experience, does it ever completely go away?
"Does anyone know from experience, does it ever completely go away?" I'm still in the process of divorce so can't say for sure, but oh my gosh it has decreased SO much to a manageable level already. But I've been through 2 years of counseling and lots of study. I think you are already understanding the basics- he's just trying to get to you. No point in trying to understand what he's saying. His goal is to make you think about HIM, so thinking about him just helps him achieve his goal. Just keep that in mind with every single thing they say, because that is always their goal.
I HIGHLY recommend reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's like the user's manual for abusers.