I made excuses for 6 years.

By the time I escaped, I lived in a constant state of terror, with an underlying abyss of deep despair and worthlessness.

I made excuses until all of the excuses were gone.

Then I wised up, and got the hell out of there.

Wendy~

I realized it, but it was AFTER I married him. There were signs before we were married, but I guess I was blinded..........DUMB, DUMB< DUMB. Now I see those red flags and they happen more and more frequently. Like Wendy, I made excuses to myself, but I started realizing that it wasn't me who was messed up, it was him. I could kick myself for selling my condo and buying a house with him. Now I feel stuck..............uggggggh.

your busy this morning on topics.
Answer to your questions being: No. No.NO & more than likely.

Unfortantly woman become the yoyo & male pulls her up & down.
Such males have pattren in difrent stages in thier behavior.
we know what thier going to do and do next even befor they do. its sorta like reading the same ole same ole book. and abusers selecting those with low self esteem who buy in to chraming lies and get suck into brow beating which become a so called normal part of thier daily lives together, Until the abused manages to come up for air and takes a good look around and obtains professional - medical care to prevent from staying are repeating the process though out the abuse person life.
Good luck with your survay

In my opinion, the label we stick on something is secondary to the actions and feelings that follow.

Good on the inside? Wonderful.


Hurts you every other day?

Who cares what their reasons are?


If all they do is hurt us, of course it's easier to be clear about leaving.

When they toss in the occasional crumb and it makes us feel like we'll be hurting a good person --- they benefit from our confusion. But we're still being hurt.

So now the question is, how much of someone hurting you is okay?

In my book ---- precious little.

I have come to realize without a shadow of a doubt that -----

nobody gets to hurt me,
certainly not more than twice.

The first time they hurt me, I
protest and ask them not to repeat
their action.

They do it again? If I'm feeling
gracious, they may get a third chance.

Hurt me again?

SEE YA.

Yes/no?

Excuses... well... we've heard what they say about excuses... "Excuses are like a#$holes... and everyone has one". It becomes lip service... words with zero meaning. Actions in a relationship define the relationship and the outcome. Everyone makes mistakes... no one is perfect and we can all do things at times that appear abusive... I think the key difference is the end result... What does he loose by his deplorable actions to you? Does he really feel guilty or just say he is? And all while you continue to loose more and more of yourself. Abuse is insidious... which means... operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect. You are suffering and wanting to justify his actions, to limit your own pain... to deny all that is before you because denial is so much easier than facing the simple reality that he is abusive and unable to change. Remember... only 4 % of abusers can change... and that change comes through serious counseling and commitment.

You don't want this, Meg. You want the man you fell in love with... that fantasy picture he painted that now looks like a mad mosaic... parts are good... the rest is bad.

I make excuses for my spouse. I justify his behavior reminding myself of all the wonderful 'things' I have as a result of him in my life... all while I continue to spiral deeper and deeper into a hole of depression and anxiety and despair. Every day it gets harder to see clearly... because of the fog that this man expels. He's charming and cunning and manipulative... and in the end I know that this is NOT LOVE... and this is not what I want or how I want to live.

You're dealing with this process... like dealing with a death... through stages of grief. Right now you're in denial. Bargaining for a way out. It's understandable but in time you will come to see that all of your efforts are wasted on this man...

I'm so sorry... I know this sucks... it's the hardest thing to love someone and have them turn your love into something so shameful and disgusting... a twisted, crazy mess.

Can you accept him the way he is now? If not... realize he is only going to get worst... and you will never change him. You're stronger than you know... believe in yourself... I do!

Here4You!

^^Angel^^

Thanks for your replies. It's hard for me to realize it because he wants to get rich and then give back to his community, and just says all this nice stuff he wants to do. But then he hits me and calls me names, accuses me of everything! Its kinda who are you?! I think his abuse is only towards women. Which is messed up, because damn near every girlfriend he has had he either lived w/ or they did everything for him ( including me). He is actually living w/ a girl now, just because she has a lot of money. So she buys him everything and he lives there for free. He doesnt even like her. He also hit her and calls her names. He says he has no choice he has no where else to go. But he wont get a job. So im thinking he is just a loser!

Some days I am still in denial about my ex-husband being an abuser. It's hard to believe that I as an intelligent and caring person could marry and reproduce with an abuser but I did.

He was not ALL BAD, no one is, the good parts were enough to keep me hanging on for too many years. I have learned that real love and real relationships are not tumultuous, they are peaceful and supportive.

And my ex-husband was an abuser because he had a horrible, messed up childhood. He was broken long before I met him.

I made excuse after excuse. I didn't want to believe that I was being manipulated and beaten down...but after so long, and in talking to people here on DS, I finally realized what was happening to me.

Just like wvartgirl said, he wasnt ALL BAD. Thats why its hard for me to actually admit and fully believe he is an abuser. He was also broken before I met him. But now all of his problems are because of me ( so he says)

i'm just recently able to call my recent ex an abuser. I kept saying that 'he's a good person just w/ bad issues'. then I made myself define what a bad person truly is and he qualified. I had to stop trying to believe he was good and realize that's just what he wants ppl to think, especially himself. i'm always amazed at how narcissists will self-proclaim that they are good ppl. if you're good, ppl will see it, you won't have to try to convince them all the time. when I read the signs of an abuser on this board is when I truly categorized him as an abuser, w/o any doubt.

One of the ways I explained it to my husband when he was being abusive is.. "honey you are not all bad and you have wonderful qualities buuuut... if you are mean to me even for a moment it's not worth being with you". I said to him if you had a great paying job you loved but everyday your boss would come up and call you a mean name and then hit you with a hammer? would the job still be worth it or would you want to leave to avoid the head injuries? lesser of two evils. The abusers don't see the forest for the trees most times so they keep on. It's normal to them especially if they were raised by an abuser too. Then we sit around trying to rationalize and make sense out of what makes no sense. You have to hit them hard with tough love and let them know this is not "normal" or acceptable for you so your boundary is keeping them at a distance. They will get help and change or not have you in their lives. It has to be that black and white or nothing with change. It took me many years to get to this place and I wish everyone else Godspeed in finding peace and self respect too. Hugs,
Bren

DOXI, lol - love your work analogy!

MEG, go buy this book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This is the book that AgentSmith recommended to you on your last post, I think. I bought it yesterday, and it will OPEN your eyes and answer a lot of the questions I see in your posts.

We both have the same questions, you and I! And this book has the answers you and I need to see. It's about $15 bucks at Barnes & Nobles (psychiatry section, subsection Anger).

It was hard for me to realize mine was an abuser, until the police arrested him for Domestic Battery. Before that, I thought this was how couples fought. It was normal.

It was hard to realize that mine was an abuser and that I was walking on eggshells to try not to set him off if I didn't want to be called names or see him sulk, or have to put the energy into getting him in a good mood, or get beat up.

Again, I thought this was normal. Everybody makes allowences for your partners moods, don't they? But no, apparently normal people expect their partners to handle their bad moods without name calling and beatings. Surprise to me!

What I'm hearing here on DS, and in that book, is that it's not OUR responsibility to make sure these guys are happy and content ALL the time. You say that sometimes he's really nice and loving, but other times he's too much to handle. This is exactly what I'm talking about - he should be nice and loving all the time. And if he can't, then at the very least he shouldn't be calling you names. That is abuse.

He repeatedly hits women, and he has blamed you for all his own bad behaviour and his own consequences, he has called you names, and he is blatently using a woman he doesn't even like, for money and a roof over his head..while he also hits and abuses her in return for her generosity?...'he is too much to handle!!'?..Hes too horrible to handle or to be any way near?..

I can't see anything to like about this 'man', once I have heard all that? And thats likely barely the half of his abusive behaviours?..

This man must have some charm offensive inbetween his nastiness?..That he can get away with what he does..and still have any women care or be around him at all?

A really 'nice and loving' man, can't hit a woman..a lovely man on the 'inside', can't abuse women the way he does.

Its very hard when you fall in love with the 'good' mirage...And you have banked up a set of good things you think you have found.

The hardest part is when we see and discover that the person is not good really in reality, and we then find it very hard to let go of who we thought they were?..and still see some signs of who we thought they were which still give us hope?...Its so hard to 'un love' again.

He 'wants to get rich and then give back to his community', that sounds so noble, but also like a very good hook to reel caring women in, someone who truly wants to get rich and help others, would never bum off a woman while also abusing her, so thats turned out to be an outright lie.

Sorry to say, but hes not who you thought he was, and hes far from 'good on the inside'. More that he once looked and sounded good on the outside, and that wasn't the real him at all?

Its very confusing, but it does matter 'why they do it'..and its well worth understanding, and knowing that its well documented, to be all about control, and when hes done with the woman hes using now, (or hopefully for her sake she'll be done with him sooner) no doubt he'll find another woman to abuse. he already has a history, and he'll make more..

I hope you can practice saying it..and saying it out loudly over and over if you have to, hes an 'abuser', hes an 'abuser' hes an abuser, and some small signs of flimsy apparent goodness, will never make up for how he behaves, or make this guy good.

Like lleneW says..'Hurt me again?

SEE YA..great....

We all deserve so much better than to have someone who is abusive, in our lives.

This is all so confusig to me. He liked the girl at first.... im not sure why he hit her..never told me. But I know after that he found out she had been sleeping w/ her ex still. So thats when he turned everything on me. Started being mean and accusing me of stuff, and blaming for everything that happen in the past. He over analyzes everything, makes everything sound worse than it is. It confuses me because he acts like he is such a good person, and i truly believed he was. Part of me still thinks he is. idk i hate all of this!