Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My last long relationship I was in, I was physically abused, and emotionally abused. Hit often, constantly cheated on, belittled, all those nasty things. Long story short, I got myself out of that. Now I went onto the dating world after that. Tried online dating. I met a guy and met him for coffee. About the third date, I invited him over to hang out (still 19 at the time, common for people that age to just hang out at each others house rather than going out). Jumping past all the details, we ended up making out and he pushed things further. I kept saying "No, stop. I don't want this" but he forced it on me. I felt like it was my fault. Part of me still does.
I went into a downward spiral after that.. I started drinking alot and doing drugs, and I became very promiscuous. I even landed myself in the psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts. Until one day I decided I had enough. I picked myself up, stopped partying, stopped sleeping around, moved out of my moms place, got a second job, and got myself back into college. I threw myself into work and school. Maybe even too much. I guess you could say that I put a band aid over all the hurt. But I wasn't happy either. I was kinda just there. Doing the things I knew I had to do to survive and make a life for myself.
Now here I am a year later. Married to an amazing man. But I think it was way too soon after everything for me to get married. But it was the first time I felt happy, so I went with it. But I've started spiraling out of control again. I've started drinking again, probably way too often, especially now that I've turned 21 and its all available to me. And I've cheated on my husband twice now (Please don't judge, I already feel horrible enough). Both times, I was blacked out drunk, to the point that if someone were to get me dressed again before i passed out, I wouldn't have even known the next morning. I haven't told hubby, because I'm pretty positive he'll leave me, and I'm not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage.I'm self destructive, and I'm beginning to do self destructive things. And if the roles were revearsed, and he did it to me and vowed to never do it again and tried to do everything to fix himself, I wouldn't want to know either..
So when it comes down to it, I believe it all goes back to when I was raped. Thats when my anxiety and self destructive behaviors came out. Thats when my problems started. I've done so well pushing past them this past year, and its manifesting itself bad this time.
So here I am. Asking for advice. Asking for help. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it and bring myself back to reality.
I went into a downward spiral after that.. I started drinking alot and doing drugs, and I became very promiscuous. I even landed myself in the psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts. Until one day I decided I had enough. I picked myself up, stopped partying, stopped sleeping around, moved out of my moms place, got a second job, and got myself back into college. I threw myself into work and school. Maybe even too much. I guess you could say that I put a band aid over all the hurt. But I wasn't happy either. I was kinda just there. Doing the things I knew I had to do to survive and make a life for myself.
Now here I am a year later. Married to an amazing man. But I think it was way too soon after everything for me to get married. But it was the first time I felt happy, so I went with it. But I've started spiraling out of control again. I've started drinking again, probably way too often, especially now that I've turned 21 and its all available to me. And I've cheated on my husband twice now (Please don't judge, I already feel horrible enough). Both times, I was blacked out drunk, to the point that if someone were to get me dressed again before i passed out, I wouldn't have even known the next morning. I haven't told hubby, because I'm pretty positive he'll leave me, and I'm not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage.I'm self destructive, and I'm beginning to do self destructive things. And if the roles were revearsed, and he did it to me and vowed to never do it again and tried to do everything to fix himself, I wouldn't want to know either..
So when it comes down to it, I believe it all goes back to when I was raped. Thats when my anxiety and self destructive behaviors came out. Thats when my problems started. I've done so well pushing past them this past year, and its manifesting itself bad this time.
So here I am. Asking for advice. Asking for help. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it and bring myself back to reality.
Through listening to your story, which was brave to tell because I'm sure every bit of that was hard to write-no where did I see any counseling mentioned. I am guessing you haven't been to counseling. It is my strong recommendation that you seek out counseling for yourself. These traumas and the self destructive behaviors are extremely, extremely difficult to deal with on your own. This is not just a matter of "picking yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of a thing. I would recommend at the least a counselor who specializes in and has experience with trauma. You are correct that these behaviors are typical of someone who is a rape survivor, but you also had the trauma of abuse as well, and that sooner or later must be dealt with as well, and all of the self destructive stuff that has come out of these traumas, all of it must be dealt with, hon.
So please correct me if I'm wrong, have you been through individuals trauma counseling, or if not is something you would consider?
If you're still in college,
there's a counseling
department that is
usually accessible
to students for the
price of tuition.
If you're not in school,
get yourself to the
nearest women's
center RIGHT AWAY.
I concur that you need
to see someone whose
specialty is recovery
from abuse and trauma
and the sooner the better!!!!!!
Please don't delay.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
My bf worked at the state mental hospital with a PTSD diagnosis. He himself, personally decided it was not a good fit for him, but the hospital had no right, nor did they discriminate against him (and they might have had an idea he had PTSD since both of his traumas occurred while he worked there.
PTSD is different for everyone, just because someone has PTSD doesn't automatically mean they can't do a certain job. You seem to think you can do the job, or I would think you'd take it upon yourself to find another career path. I am assuming you wouldn't choose a career in which you knowingly thought you'd be endangering people's lives. You appear to be doing your paramedic job just fine, since I didn't see you list that as one of your concerns with your life right now.
Besides, even if it changes your career trajectory to get help for whatever reason, which is more important, recovering yourself so that in everything you do and every decision you make you are working at your potential, or hanging onto something when it means you must continue to do the same things which clearly aren't working for?
If you had a broken leg, would you not go and get it set so it could heal correctly? If you had cancer would you not do everything you could to get the help you needed to save your life? Your psyche has been injured-but it's no different just because it's not a physical injury. You need experts to help your psyche heal.
What's your major in college? Why are you not focused on that instead of this fire rescue thing?
I think the obsession with literally running into burning buildings is a pretty extreme move to run from facing YOUR real dangers...
Hugs.
If you are able to get therapy/counseling then you should start getting treatment as soon as you are able. Otherwise these types of problems can snowball in some cases.