Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is very confusing to me.I have never even thought about the possibility.But a while back I posted something about my husband and the comments I got back where about rape.In marriage, I didn't really know that was possible.Thought that when you marry someone they have the ability to request it whenever they want it.Well I knew you can say no and they should stop, but I didn't realize that if they are so persistant that you have to, or make you do it that it's rape??Is this true?I find this hard to believe.Because I have come to hate sex with him, and he always wants to, when I don't. Also I hate being sexual with him because of so many many reasons! He always say's it is his and can do whatever he wants which I hate. But sorta believe since we are married, I feel as though I have to.Can any one help me to understand this, for a while the sex has really digusted me and I feel really cheep and awful about sex .I feel as though it's just awful between us which I find to be strange.I have no more sexual desire for him and I feel used by him .It is this strange feeling that I really can not explain,but will say it all seems so wrong .Anyone with information on Rape in marriage I would so very appreciate it.Thanks dear ones.
Patricia Mahoney, M.A.
National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center
Wellesley Centers for Women, Wellesely College Stone Center
(Excerpted from the Wife Rape Information Page.)
What is Wife Rape?
Wife Rape is the term used to describe sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will by a woman's husband or ex husband. Sexual acts may be committed through physical force, threats of force against her or a third person, or implied harm based on prior assaults causing the woman to fear that physical force will be used if she resists.
When a woman submits to sexual acts out of fear or coercion, it is rape. A wife does not need to be "putting up a good fight" for it to be rape (even according to the law). Sexual acts include but are not limited to penile vaginal intercourse, the insertion of genitals into the mouth or anus, or the insertion of objects into the vagina or anus.
How Common is Wife Rape?
Two studies have documented similar rates among random samples of women:
Ten to fourteen percent of ever-married women have experienced at least one forced sexual assault by a husband or ex-husband (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1990).
Studies of battered women staying in shelters and women seeking relationship help show one-third to three-quarters of those asked reported sexual assaults by their husbands or intimate partners.
How are Victims of Wife Rape Different from Other Rape Victims?
Women raped by a partner are violated by someone with whom they share their lives, homes, and possibly children. In addition to the violation of their bodies, they are faced with a betrayal of trust and intimacy. Sadly, victims of wife rape are not likely to see what is being done to them as a violation of their rights. This is no surprise, however, as society has only recently legally recognized wife rape as a crime, and opinion polls show that people still believe that wife rape must be "less harmful" than stranger rape.
Research indicates that wife rape victims are more likely to be raped multiple times compared with stranger and acquaintance rape victims. In research with wife rape victims, most report being raped more than once, with at least 1/3 of the women reporting being raped more than 20 times over the course of their relationship (Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985; Russell, 1990). Women who experience wife rape suffer long lasting physical and psychological injuries as severe or more severe than stranger rape victims.
What Legal Rights do Married Women Have Regarding Wife Rape?
Today it is a crime in all 50 states (and federal lands) for a husband to rape his wife. However, according to the National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape (see Resource List), as of March 1996, only 17 states and the District of Columbia have completely abolished the marital rape exemption (which precludes a husband from being charged with rape of his wife in certain situations, or limits the seriousness of the offense with which a husband could be charged). Marital privileges are extended to unmarried cohabitants in some states.
It is important to remember that under at least one section of the sexual offense codes (usually those code sections regarding force), marital rape is a crime in all 50 states. Each state has its own sexual offense codes. Women may also sue their husbands in civil court for pain and suffering and medical and other costs incurred as a result of sexual battery.
Why Would a Man Rape His Wife?
Our ability to answer this question is limited, as so little research has focused on husband-rapists. It is, however, clear from survivors reports that it does not stem from wives withholding sex, which is the most common myth. Most women who report being raped by their husbands also report having consensual sexual intercourse. Researchers who have spoken with husband-rapists conclude that husband-rapists rape to reinforce their power or control over their wives or families, or to express anger.
Stereotypes about women and sex such as: "women enjoy forced sex," "women say no when they really mean yes," or "it's a wife's duty to have sex" continue to be reinforced in our culture through both mainstream and pornographic media. Such messages not only mislead men into believing that they should ignore a woman's protests. They also mislead women into believing that they must have "sent the wrong signals," blaming themselves for unwanted sexual encounters, or believing that they are "bad wives" for not enjoying sex against their will.
Why Would a Woman Stay With a Man Who Raped Her?
The answers to this question are complicated. Many women believe it is part of their "wifely duty" to have sex with their husbands, even if it is violent sex against their will. Many religious doctrines outline sexual acts as a "duty" for wives. In addition, it is only recently that the law has begun to offer wives protection from their husband's sexual attacks, and many people may be unaware that wife rape is a crime.
Many women do not have the financial resources to leave a relationship. If a woman has children, her ability to leave is complicated by the added problem of moving her children with her (taking them out of school, away from friends) or abandoning her children. She may not leave for fear of what the offender may do to her or the children.
Also, some women may not leave out of love and loyalty to the husband, which may override her pain and suffering. The decision to leave a person you care about or love can be very difficult, even when the relationship is unhealthy or violent. But it's the abuse that's wrong, not loving someone who is abusive. No one deserves to be beaten or raped, and no one is required to live with fear and violence. Everyone has the right to live in a safe home.
If You Have Experienced Sex Against Your Will by Your Husband or Partner...
If your partner has insisted that you have sex against your will by force, threats, or intimidation, please know that you are not alone and can seek help. You may want to seek personal and/or legal counseling. Counseling services can be found through rape crisis centers, domestic violence services, and family service agencies (see Resources section of the Wife Rape Information Page [click on title]). You may call these numbers to discuss past experiences as well as recent ones. Immediately following a rape experience, please seek medical treatment at a hospital, followed by counseling.
This happened to me - he raped me a couple of times towards the end...and I bled afterwards.
If you have not left him yet, you need to consider it. A relationship in which rape or any sort of abuse occurs is unacceptable and no one to remain in.
Why do I say this? I left my husband 5 months ago after years of sexual, emotional and verbal abuse...
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Feel free to contact me if you have any further questions.
God bless.
Karen
You are a human being.
EVERY human being is
entitled to SELF-POSSESSION
and SELF-DETERMINATION.
Marriage is not a bill of sale.
Marriage is an agreement to
respect and support each other.
reciprocally.
When you say no to sex, anything
after that ---- that disregards your "no,"
is RAPE.
tony ---- what you've written about how
you feel about sex, is typical of what
happens to people who have been
sexually abused or attacked.
What he says about "it" being "his,"
is an abusive lie. "It's" NOT his.
It's YOURS.
Your sexuality is YOURS. It's YOURS
to determine. . . . . if, when, and how.
Please connect with a therapist who
specializes in sexual abuse and recovery.
then he lies there, touching my belly (which makes me cringe),rubbing my legs, trying to rub my thighs between my legs (which makes me want to climb the walls, because if he touched my vagina, I'm going to go through the roof, and he'll have gone past the barrier of what's 'ok')
he just pushed a little bit, a little bit, past each barrier, never giving up.
and I freaking hate it.
so yeah, I don't have a lot of information, and can't really say that what I'm going through is rape, but what you are going through is rape for sure!
to make a crazy marriage
normal.
All the best to you, Hon.
You're entitled to all good things.
to make a crazy marriage
normal.
that is the best thing I've ever read.
so true!!!!!!!!