As mother's day rolls around again my head begins another campaign of intrusive thinking and dredging up unhappy memories of my childhood. My mother insists that I was a rotten child and that I ruined her relationship with my father by being born. I was her scapegoat, my brother was her golden child. I could do no right and he could do no wrong.

Mother actually sat me down one day and explained that it wasn't my fault that I was so bad. She stated that I was born that way. "You got all the bad genes while your brother got all the best genes, so you see, it's not your fault. You are just born bad." I assure you she treated us accordingly.

When I hit puberty and the beatings, sarcasm or ridicule no longer frightened me she cast me out. First by driving me out of the house time and time again, physically throwing me out a few times. Keep in mind that I was twelve years old. When that no longer frightened me she locked me in my room until a social worker showed up and I was informed I was no longer welcome in my mother's home and I would be going to foster care. My brother she kept.

At some point Mother's "what will the neighbors think" mentality kicked in and I guess she realized people thought she was wrong sending me off. She began calling the foster home crying and begging me to come home. When I eventually relented I stayed with her for two weeks before she found a way to drive me out of the house again. Now I was on the street with no safety net, just the way she liked it.

I became the piece of shit she predicted I would become. It could have gone no other way for me, I had no one. My father who she hated passed away when I was five and she took me away from his family to another country. Once my brother came along she no longer made any bones about her feelings for me. I was abandoned over and over. With me out of the picture her family was at it should be to her. Just the three of them. My last name wasn't even the same as theirs because my step father said I wasn't worth the money to adopt. I was seven at the time.

When I got sober for six years and was settled down I became pregnant. I was in a stable relationship seven years along, working, and I thought she would be excited about being a grandmother. Instead she chastised me that I couldn't afford to look after myself, what was I going to do with another mouth to feed. I had my own successful business at the time.

When I got a crib at a terrific price she said, "Why are you buying that stuff for, women have miscarriages, you know."

My son was diagnosed with autism, mother went around behind my back telling people that knew me that I did something to my son to cause it.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and going back to drinking. I made it back to sobriety ten years later by the grace of God. I tried again to have a relationship with mother and her family and realized that it can't happen.

Mother will never change, she is a monster that no one but me gets to see. Her abuse continues now because she has had decades to fill my little brother's head full of her shit. He's eight years younger than me. I do not know if my stepfather is even alive anymore and the only way to find out is to talk to her and I just can't do it. I have not spoken to her for five years now and my brother probably ten years.

I have been sober now for eight years and am strong in my sobriety. A life time of shit and abuse that could have been avoided if she had left me with my father's family. She wanted to punish them but I am the one who couldn't escape the mental hell she created just by not loving me. Verbalizing her disdain for me constantly almost drove me to suicide. I think that's what she was hoping for. Then everyone would empathize with her about her fucked up daughter while being rid of the keeper of her secrets. I survived and I remember everything.