Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
What really gets my goat is the so called experts brandishing the codependency brush to anyone who has been in an abusive relationship thus re victimizing the victim with finger pointing saying "you brought it on yourself " , It would seem now that normal, loving, caring behaviour and a natural human longing for attachment can be distorted and called an addiction .
"Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help book the symptoms of codependency mount. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. What began as a term to help spouses of addicts encourage sobriety and not inadvertently make it easy to continue, the codependency movement of the 80s and 90s has thrown the baby out with the bath water: Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction." ~ Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.
h/t peru
"Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help book the symptoms of codependency mount. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. What began as a term to help spouses of addicts encourage sobriety and not inadvertently make it easy to continue, the codependency movement of the 80s and 90s has thrown the baby out with the bath water: Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction." ~ Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.
h/t peru
I freely admit that I have co-dependent tendencies. But I also freely admit that any caring, empathetic, or sensitive person has co-dependent tendencies. And being caring, empathetic, or sensitive are GOOD HUMAN qualities.
But I also agree that there comes a point where it becomes unhealthy. Extremely unhealthy. But I don't really see that unhealthiness often amongst abuse targets.
Instead I see people who recognize their situation, and are confused, or feel trapped. What are being INCORRECTLY labeled as "co-dependent" traits of abuse victims are really defense or protection mechanisms that arise because we feel they are the easiest short-term option. So we may adopt behaviors that enable the abuser not in an attempt to make the abuser happier (as a true co-dependent would), but to SAVE OURSELVES from further verbal or physical attacks.
You all make points that I think are true for me: we all have a certain amount of codependent traits that are what make us human, having read Codependent No More and seen yourself in it, etc.
I really thought I was codependent too... until I looked back at my relationship with my parents. Any codependence I felt or practiced with them pretty much vanished as soon as I discovered who they actually were psychologically speaking, and what they had done to me. After that, I very quickly felt no desire for 'co-ANYTHING' with them; I just wanted them out of my life. Same with husband.
That strange and easy vanishing of the ties that had bound me once the truth sunk in seemed to prove that, like you giggle, I was and am not codependent; I was abused! xx
As was said, these are good qualities to possess as long as we remain true to ourselves.
I completely agree... About three years ago, I had a friend who was in AA that I was confiding in about my relationship. I hadn't yet realized that it was abusive. I remember sitting down and telling her all about an argument we had had the night before, when she got a very serious look in her eyes...
She told me that I was co-dependent and that I really needed help. I was so completely insulted because I was confiding in a friend about something very serious, and I was the one who had the issue... Yet again. Like I hadn't been told that a million times by the ex, my family, ect. Then, I thought... Maybe she is right.
I read all the literature, the books, ect. But something didn't sit right with me.
I wasn't engulfed or enmeshed in all of my relationships. In fact, I had several that were just fine. I travelled extensively, and for long periods of time. It seemed I only had problems with certain people in my life, and they were all at home. If the problem was me, why wasn't it following me to these exotic locales where I was suddenly a part of a very small group of fellow travelers? Wouldn't I be more co-dependent then? Wouldn't I begin relationships asap? Wouldn't I be reliant on what others thought of me? All of my actions where diametrically opposite of what would be considered co-dependent.
I still thought the problem was me... So I went to see doctor's, therapist's, ect. for some explanation... Nothing but depression and PTSD. Nada.
I begin googling emotional abuse, and found my way here. I pulled and unraveled the strings of my relationship only to discover that being abused MIMICS the symptoms of co-dependency.
Now let me be clear, I do not think co-dependency is a disease in the manner in which 12-step programs seem to define it. I do not think it incurable. I think it is the by-product of not learning at a very early-age how to self-soothe, love ourselves and accept ourselves unconditionally because that was how someone was raised.
I will be equally clear that in an abusive relationship our very survival DOES depend on placating our abuser, of setting aside our own wants, needs or desires for theirs. Even in a relationship lacking of physical abuse, the implied threat (even if only emotional) that we will be harmed if we do not succumb to their ways and opinions of things, is always present.
So.... Therefore, you get two separate groups of people that look remarkably the same.
Good quote!
Things like:
C: I need to make my partner happy in order to be happy myself.
A: I need to make my partner happy in order to be safe.
C: If someone is angry with me, I am worthless.
A: If someone is angry with me, I am afraid.
i'm so sorry for what you experienced. I like the way yo describe how you realized your marriage was abusive. Im on that road right now. Your last paragraph helps me to make sense of things and how Im feeling in regards to thinking Ive become co-dependent.
Bax-
I'd like to se the rest of the worksheet when you get a chance. Thanks!
hugs,
Bax- that sounds like a great worksheet! I wish more people, counselor's included had a copy!
I do agree though that there does seem to be a tendency to blame the victim. No one would think to ask a woman why she walked to a restaurant where she ended up assaulted on the way. Yet I hear account after account of people's abuse being minimized or blamed on the victim. I think it is just too hard for some people to believe or understand the mind of an abuser. I have a good friend who keeps saying he really wants to sit down and talk with my husband bc he's convinced he can speak logic to him. It just goes against what we feel are basic principles in the world. How many times have we tried to reason with our abuser??!
I know I have an issue with being overly compassionate and liking/wanting to be helpful--- but no that behavior should not be returned with anger and terror and disrespect and degrading behaviors.....
I can't wait to see the other questions.