Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
The constant criticism, verbal name calling, etc. Is it just me being "stupid" or he knows a better way or is it just the years of physical and emotional abuse that he endured as a child. For almost 20yrs now I've wondered if this is really abuse.
I know that is no excuse, but in my mind it does explain why he doesn't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like between a man and woman when his own parents would beat one another up with anything that they could get their hands on until one or both of them would pass out. Sometimes they'd even tag team on him. Makes you wonder how some people are allowed to have babies (those that beat each other up and their child).
A lot of the time he can be really nice and even seems like he cares, but those other times...well, I just don't know what to think.
The physical stuff was never bad enough to be hospitalized and always where others could not see the bruises. That stopped for the most part after I found out I was pregnant. The verbal and emotional crap has always been there and still is...
I started seeing a therapist recently and admitted to her that in some ways I prefer the physical to the verbal and emotional stuff. Though I'm sure some of the memories of how bad the physical stuff was at the time has faded over the years like the bruises fade over time. It's really the verbal and emotional stuff that effects everything that you do, what you say and how you think (especially about yourself) whether you want to admit it or not. It eats away at your core and makes you the worse kind of vulnerable....self doubt. The stress....it's just more than one person should have to deal with. Of course his response is always that I should just let it "roll off my back", "just don't let it get to me" and my favorite is when I say that when he says that I'm stupid and tell him what is says makes me feel stupid; he will respond with "I don't make you feel stupid, you have control over how you feel. Nothing I say should make you feel a particular way ...you control how you feel yourself". In my opinion, any person that thinks that calling someone stupid and belittling them will not make them feel stupid is not too bright themselves..
I know that is no excuse, but in my mind it does explain why he doesn't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like between a man and woman when his own parents would beat one another up with anything that they could get their hands on until one or both of them would pass out. Sometimes they'd even tag team on him. Makes you wonder how some people are allowed to have babies (those that beat each other up and their child).
A lot of the time he can be really nice and even seems like he cares, but those other times...well, I just don't know what to think.
The physical stuff was never bad enough to be hospitalized and always where others could not see the bruises. That stopped for the most part after I found out I was pregnant. The verbal and emotional crap has always been there and still is...
I started seeing a therapist recently and admitted to her that in some ways I prefer the physical to the verbal and emotional stuff. Though I'm sure some of the memories of how bad the physical stuff was at the time has faded over the years like the bruises fade over time. It's really the verbal and emotional stuff that effects everything that you do, what you say and how you think (especially about yourself) whether you want to admit it or not. It eats away at your core and makes you the worse kind of vulnerable....self doubt. The stress....it's just more than one person should have to deal with. Of course his response is always that I should just let it "roll off my back", "just don't let it get to me" and my favorite is when I say that when he says that I'm stupid and tell him what is says makes me feel stupid; he will respond with "I don't make you feel stupid, you have control over how you feel. Nothing I say should make you feel a particular way ...you control how you feel yourself". In my opinion, any person that thinks that calling someone stupid and belittling them will not make them feel stupid is not too bright themselves..
Many reasons are responsible for this, you're pretty much emotionally exhausted, are the type of person who will accept responsibility and apologies in life because that's the right thing to do so in effect internalise that if someone is "adamant" that you are stupid, you'll start to wonder if you actually are and there's something they see that you don't! It could even be a trigger word from childhood abuse, the point being is that for one reason or another you take on this belief.
So the fact is that when he continues to call you stupid which is his decision to do so, he is also choosing to reinforce that belief (he may even have enforced it in the first place) but each time he says it he is keeping it attached to you and it's very hard to let go so yes it makes you feel all over again!
The brain learns through sight and hearing, when things are spoken out loud it learns! He is responsible for his own spoken words therefore he ought to choose them appropriately, if he thinks your responsible for feeling stupid he's wrong because this explains that he's reinforcing it each time, so each time he does it, you hear it, your brain learns (why so we sit in class and listen to a teacher teaching is and just not read to learn, you're using one of your senses and it picks up and learns), then you'll be reminded of you inner pain of feeling stupid (the source of the pain initially is irrelevant because he's doing this to you in the here and now!)
Now the good part is that in some respects he is correct, not good for him but good for you because this means you can heal. I doubt that he will allow you to though and the healing would only be allowed after NC has started, sorry to say this.
But when that time comes you can work on your belief system, and decide not to believe it any longer, may take a while to get there, reading books, therapy etc but it's highly possible. Next time some toss pot says you're stupid, yes you may well feel the trigger to begin with but you'll understand it's just a trigger (it will most likely being back memories if your partner saying it), and when you understand "it's a trigger" you'll know you won't be "believing" that it's reality, after all it's a trigger from past events (doesnt matter how far into the past, it's a reminder)
He's keeping you there everytime he says it,
So yeah, you can change the way you feel about something but by healing and having the chance and space to process, but being constantly belittled is going to keep you in that place,
I wouldn't try to argue this point with him, he'll only say you're choosing to allow it to hurt you and your not, he's choosing to carry in hurting you by not allowing and creating the space for you to heal from all the crap he's put you through and that's the truth!
Does it make it ok that he was abused in childhood? Nope! Don't forget if this is the case then in HIS own words "he's choosing to be hurt all the Time from past events which causes his to lash out"
But are you triggering him? Nope, you're not doing the things his abusive partners have done, in fact your trying your best to show him love, so you can't be triggering him, so how is he triggered (don't forget a trigger is a reminder of emotional memory!)
So how can his childhood be responsible for uncontrollable triggers if nothing you are doing is a reminder of his past abuse?
So is it not really his fault because he has been abused? Nope, his abuse doesn't give him the right to abuse you! And it's not uncontrollable, it's all about control. He chooses to abuse and the only reason he may do this related to the past is that it's better for him that he is the abuser because it ensures him he won't be the abused.
Unfortunately that only means one thing and that is that the dynamics of equality can never be because he won't give up his choosen abode of abuser, and lets not forget, if everyone truly does own everything about themselves then of course, is he responsible for choosing to be the abuser and abuse you, you bet he is!
So yes it's abuse, no he's not a helpless victim of abuse therefore he can't help but abuse you and he DOES make you feel because he keeps poking your wound that he probably created in the first place, but what's more hurtful is he's pulling open a wounds and splitting it more! And yes, he is responsible more for what he does than how you react to his behaviour and words!
Your reactions are in keeping with how your brain is meant to react in it's process, it makes sense, it's not reacting out of the natural
Pattern of these types of interactions with another human being.