Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok - for those of us who still have to (or choose to) have contact, I wanted to attest to something that has really helped me this week. I forget which of you mentioned it almost in passing once - I'm picturing kevin or ooooo, but I"m by no means certain.
You know those little statements that fire you u, that are dismissive or assuming authority? For instance, I told my wife I was going to pay a parking ticket. (She didn't inform me that she had borrowed money from my Dad in order for me to pay the already overdue ticket - thankfully, Dad did.) Those words: "I'm going to do this". She responded, "yup, go ahead."
I flared into defense mode. I told her I was going to do something and she responds by giving me permission to do it? I'm sorry - have I been subtle in my boundary that she doesn't get to give me permission?
So I asked "What did you say?"
She backtracked. But she doesn't always. Sometimes, she doubles down. And I love it. It's a simple, non-confrontational question which which, when asked, clarifies the difference between the thoughtless, the habitual, or the poorly worded from the determined, the intentional, the cruel. I don't have to spin my wheels trying to give her the benefit of the doubt or not anymore! It's awesome! When she doubles down, that's an automatic card for me, and when she backtracks... sometimes I do, sometimes I let it go.
But that's the best thing: I don't do anything with the information with her. I simply make a mental checkmark - "Yup. She's in abuse mode. Batten down the hatches." or "All right - let this one go - but I'm watching you!'
Knowledge is power. Especially over confusion and doubt. Have a fantastic weekend, folks!
You know those little statements that fire you u, that are dismissive or assuming authority? For instance, I told my wife I was going to pay a parking ticket. (She didn't inform me that she had borrowed money from my Dad in order for me to pay the already overdue ticket - thankfully, Dad did.) Those words: "I'm going to do this". She responded, "yup, go ahead."
I flared into defense mode. I told her I was going to do something and she responds by giving me permission to do it? I'm sorry - have I been subtle in my boundary that she doesn't get to give me permission?
So I asked "What did you say?"
She backtracked. But she doesn't always. Sometimes, she doubles down. And I love it. It's a simple, non-confrontational question which which, when asked, clarifies the difference between the thoughtless, the habitual, or the poorly worded from the determined, the intentional, the cruel. I don't have to spin my wheels trying to give her the benefit of the doubt or not anymore! It's awesome! When she doubles down, that's an automatic card for me, and when she backtracks... sometimes I do, sometimes I let it go.
But that's the best thing: I don't do anything with the information with her. I simply make a mental checkmark - "Yup. She's in abuse mode. Batten down the hatches." or "All right - let this one go - but I'm watching you!'
Knowledge is power. Especially over confusion and doubt. Have a fantastic weekend, folks!
On the permission thing, grrr!
I once had someone (turned out to be a narc) tell me, "It's fine for you to disclose feelings."
In retrospect, I wished I had said, "I know that already: I don't need your permission to feel anything, or to express it!" But at the time I wasso steamrollered by the strength of their arrogance that my tongue
failed me...