Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As both a survivor
as well as a
clinician in the field
of recovery from dysfunction
and abuse. . . . . . .
my experience is that
long-term abusers
who were raised in
dysfunctional
families of origin
and then,
through their own
adult lifespan
have been consistently
abusive to others
are NOT
(let me repeat that. . . . .
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
able to become
non-abusive.
Exceptions?
Sure.
One in ?????????????????????
(Sorry. I don't have that many zeros.)
What we lose by "being there"
for them?
More precious, irreplaceable
days of our already burgled
life. How many years have
you lost, already?
Our energy, all of which
should now be invested
and focused like a laser beam
on repairing what the abuser
broke in us and reclaiming
what the abuser stole
from us.
Our focus, which should
now be directed on
people who enrich our life,
interests that enhance our life,
and
activities that expand our life!!!!!!!
Sorry if this sounds cold.
But it's hard enough to
escape abuse, and
kudos to anyone who
was able to gather
all that it took to do it!
If the abuser is actually
one of the one in
however many million
that's the exception
to the rule,
then he (or she),
will be so motivated
by the desire to
repair their broken
emotional/psychological
behavior patterns,
that they will
RESEARCH,
PURSUE,
INVEST IN,
WORK AT,
and
DEMONSTRATE
(by doing
WHATEVER IT TAKES
for HOWEVER LONG
it takes),
that they are the
exception to the rule
that abusers only get
worse
by
behaving over the
course of no less
than two years
their new-found ability
to be
RESPECTFUL
LOVING
CARING
EMPATHETIC
COMPASSIONATE
GENEROUS
ENTHUSIASTIC
EVEN-TEMPERED
PLEASANT
INTERESTED
OTHER-DIRECTED
PARTNERS.
That's my
personal
and
professional
perspective on
helping the abuser.
For the record. . . . .
I wasted YEARS
of my own
precious time,
energy and
focus,
attempting to
help mine.
And he wasn't
even particularly
violent or psychopathic,
just your garden-variety
emotional abuser.
It was time, energy
and focus that would
have been FAR BETTER
invested in my own
well-being.
MOST ABUSERS
ARE NOT
(let me repeat that. . .
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
reachable,
teachable,
receptive,
or
(most important
or all. . . . . .)
ABLE TO
BECOME
NON-ABUSIVE.
as well as a
clinician in the field
of recovery from dysfunction
and abuse. . . . . . .
my experience is that
long-term abusers
who were raised in
dysfunctional
families of origin
and then,
through their own
adult lifespan
have been consistently
abusive to others
are NOT
(let me repeat that. . . . .
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
able to become
non-abusive.
Exceptions?
Sure.
One in ?????????????????????
(Sorry. I don't have that many zeros.)
What we lose by "being there"
for them?
More precious, irreplaceable
days of our already burgled
life. How many years have
you lost, already?
Our energy, all of which
should now be invested
and focused like a laser beam
on repairing what the abuser
broke in us and reclaiming
what the abuser stole
from us.
Our focus, which should
now be directed on
people who enrich our life,
interests that enhance our life,
and
activities that expand our life!!!!!!!
Sorry if this sounds cold.
But it's hard enough to
escape abuse, and
kudos to anyone who
was able to gather
all that it took to do it!
If the abuser is actually
one of the one in
however many million
that's the exception
to the rule,
then he (or she),
will be so motivated
by the desire to
repair their broken
emotional/psychological
behavior patterns,
that they will
RESEARCH,
PURSUE,
INVEST IN,
WORK AT,
and
DEMONSTRATE
(by doing
WHATEVER IT TAKES
for HOWEVER LONG
it takes),
that they are the
exception to the rule
that abusers only get
worse
by
behaving over the
course of no less
than two years
their new-found ability
to be
RESPECTFUL
LOVING
CARING
EMPATHETIC
COMPASSIONATE
GENEROUS
ENTHUSIASTIC
EVEN-TEMPERED
PLEASANT
INTERESTED
OTHER-DIRECTED
PARTNERS.
That's my
personal
and
professional
perspective on
helping the abuser.
For the record. . . . .
I wasted YEARS
of my own
precious time,
energy and
focus,
attempting to
help mine.
And he wasn't
even particularly
violent or psychopathic,
just your garden-variety
emotional abuser.
It was time, energy
and focus that would
have been FAR BETTER
invested in my own
well-being.
MOST ABUSERS
ARE NOT
(let me repeat that. . .
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
reachable,
teachable,
receptive,
or
(most important
or all. . . . . .)
ABLE TO
BECOME
NON-ABUSIVE.
I am impressionable and since I had contact with my abuser this weekend I forgot (to hold on to) what I have learned in the past months. I am happy that you are here to help us see this information (even when we don't want to). Thank you, Ilene.
Wanting to believe and actually seeing are 2 different things...... especially in this type of relationship.....
One of the big issues for abusers is that they refuse (are unable?) to take responsibility for their actions and for the hurt they have caused. Thus, as well as it being unusual in the extreme for an abuser to become non-abusive, I think the ONLY way it can happen is if they are required to take the full responsibility for finding their "cure", including all the sorts of research we here do when looking for our own healing. Once they have taken that full responsibility and are doing the work, then MAYBE it would be worth helping them out with stuff - but not until that responsibility has truly been shouldered by them. Otherwise it's not helping, it's further enabling.
I don't call him to fix or build things for me---- but I have other resources should I need them--- I don'[t think he knows how to do this type of self help on his own..... so that is why I sometimes feel responsible to help him... even though I know that he needs to do the work on his own--- but without the resources how far can he get (I may apply my job as a learning support teacher a little to much in my personal life)
My ex, years out, apologized to our son, ONCE, for "everything he ever did to him." For a lifetime of abuse. Of course, he never apologized to me. The thing was, he thought that should be enough. He thought a few words were all he needed to say.
And that's the way an abuser works. He may recognize briefly that he did wrong. But he won't be accountable for it ever. And it's HIS journey to walk. It is not ours to walk with them, It is now ours to show them the way. The way is within them, and until they realize it no amount of "help" from a victim will cure it.
I think I must be doing the self-care thing partially right because my husband did comment "you seem to be really into working on yourself, but are you committed to working on us?" The short answer was NO.
That he dragged himself out of his self-absorption long enough to realize "hey, she's not paying attention to me anymore or asking to talk about things" is pretty amazing in and of itself. And I think that was only because he realized how serious I was about leaving him and was desperate to stop me!
You don't have to behave in accordance with their opinions. You also have the option of walking away if they become too upsetting for you to read. But they have the right to express those opinions, just as you do.
As for your last sentence/question, we really could not say. You determine your own fate. We are strangers on the internet.