Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just need somewhere to vent. Sometimes I feel like I have it all sorted out....like I've done a great job at starting a new life without my abusive ex. (I've left an almost impossible situation, landed a great job and got a new place for me and the kids). Then I start by saying the abuse was physical, verbal, emotional, sexual and financial. We were together for more than a decade and have been separated for over 5 years. We have kids together (who are getting older), but he uses them to keep a handle on me at all times. Every weekend he calls or drops in multiple times to make sure that I'm not out with friends or dating. He calls several nights a week and shows up at my place if I don't answer the phone. He won't let me get off the phone with him and will call back or show up at my house if I hang up. He can still goad me into arguments. When he drops off the kids he'll come into my place and then proceeds to sit down for a 'visit'. (I have told him that he's not welcome in my house on many occassions but when he's trying to be 'polite' is hard to be an asshole to him in front of the kids). He uses the kids as a weapon because he knows I don't like to argue in front of them (they have been traumatized enough over the years). He pays his child support when he feels like it (which he's always behind on), accuses me of mis-spending my money when I ask about child support he owes (I make less than him and have higher expenses), gets pissed off/jealous/accusatory when I have someone in the house to fix my dishwasher (because it was a male) and criticizes me to our kids. He likes to remind me about 'how much he does for me'. (I even set him straight on the fact that driving his kids around is not for me...it's a part of his parental responsibilities). He interrogates me and the kids on all topics that are non of his business. (He usually uses the information he gets to judge, criticize or threaten others...it's never just a normal conversation with him). (Oh, and he's a diagnoses sociopath, but when I completed the psychopath quiz for him, he actually scores within psychopath range).
I have told him that nothing I do is any of his business, I swear at him, I yell at him. I've told him that I don't love him. That he wrecked our relationship. I've told him to move on. To find someone else. To fuck off. I've told him that I would die before I took him back. I've made a nice little life for me and my kids but he keeps trying to push his way back in (and he's getting increasingly assertive/aggressive with his efforts to get back in).
I don't want to make more drama for my kids, but other than going to the police (restraining order?) or to court (child support?)........I have no idea how to get this abusive, controlling ex out of our lives. I also fear for the long run. I fear for my children's emotional well-being and for my physical safety. He talks very violent and has been able to hold grudges for decades.
Putting that aside for the moment,
there's NO REASON to have actual
face-to-fact or even voice-to-voice
contact with him. Doing so is his
successful strategy at retaining
control over you.
Even for co-parenting it's possible
to limit contact to emails, texts and
LAWYERS.
Further, you are NOT
"being an asshole"
by maintaining
appropriate boundaries.
In fact, by doing so,
you're teaching your
children vital lessons.
Further, the more you
engage in argument
with him or attempt
to make yourself
understood by him,
the more you feed
his feeling of satisfaction
that he's still controlling
you (because, he IS).
Until that stops, you're
a fly that's captured and
totally bound and helpless
in his web. Stop attempting
to communicate with him.
Limit any contact regarding
co-parenting to that which
can be printed out and
documented.
Finally, yes. . . . . . if you
can document and and
demonstrate that he's
stalking and harassing
you, then maybe you
can get a restraining
order. And from what
you've shared, that would
be an EXCELLENT thing
to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Start by visiting your
local women's center.
They're there to help
with exactly this kind
of situation.
Good for you for
getting "out."
Now you have to finish
that journey. It's
an important action
to show your children
how to construct and
maintain healthy boundaries.