Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
he Games They Play...
Author: Unknown
They feel fear, they may not find someone else to put up with their sorry ass and they contact us initially due to fear of abandonment. Once the dust settles and they regroup, because they feel nothing for us aside from their own contempt and fear of being alone, they begin to contemplate their next move.
The next thing they feel is rage. They are sweet with the hoovering during the abandonment stage and hostile towards you when they go into their preferred emotion which is anger. They prefer the rage because they feel in control while angry, they avoid fear at all cost.
They will have sex with a tree stump to avoid the fear of being alone. Drugs, alcohol, porno, other women, whatever it takes to keep the fear at bay. They don't do intimacy and are afraid of their fear so they resort to "filler" behaviors to keep themselves feeling in control.
They analyze and assess whether or not you are worth additional effort, meaning are you even still good supply. You may be their cash cow, deviant sex buddy, place to live, ect... If none of those factors apply, they simply move on from you in their head and begin to think about WHO IS better at providing for them what they need and want.
They will get out their cell or go online and begin to contact either an old victim who still has some potential or begin to seek out and preen a new victim to fill your shoes. They do this automatically with absolutely NO THOUGHT of you and what they did to you or your feelings. They don't care how you are doing, and you will not hear from at this point unless they want something from you.
This is WHY you see the cycles with the hoovering. You are being hoovered "in between" their efforts to secure another victim. If they hit the jackpot and the other victim takes them in then, you don't hear from them. If other victim becomes a shitty supply for any reason, you hear from them. She is unavailable one night or she is getting demanding or questioning their behaviors.
Once they have secured a new victim for ALL their needs you do not hear from them.
The problem for them lie's in the fact that we are all human and NO ONE can be an excellent supply 24/7, although I tired, LOL. When other victim fails them for any reason, you get a hoover.
As their mask begins to fall we become suspicious and we ask questions not previously asked, we try to set boundaries because we now sense that something is off. We begin to feel uncomfortable with their behaviors and want answers.
THEY can immediately sense that we are on to them, so they begin the business of slowly tearing us down and placing the blame on us.
All of this is a smokescreen specifically designed to keep us off the track of their true nature.To create a cognitive dissonance in us where we begin to grow confused and vaguely uneasy with what they are telling us. Their ONLY thought is to have decent victim and they know from years of experience, THE ONLY way to keep you as a decent victim is to get you off THEIR back and for you to begin to question YOUR actions and what YOU are doing wrong. They mirror back to you their defects of character. This way they can keep you off the track with what is wrong with THEM. Their NEW actions, create fear, doubt, and insecurity in you.
They tell you if you do not STOP this line of questioning and be GOOD, they will abandon YOU. They may outright say this or you may see it in their actions. They go away for a few days, they don't call, they blow you off in either subtle ways or overt ways. All designed to create fear in you and to TRAIN you to BACK OFF and let them be. Jekyll/Hyde speak: "I will do what I want when I want and no bitch is going to tell me what to do."
Basically this is the beginning of the abuse training for the abuse cycle. They act in unacceptable ways, you react and question, they deflect the issue back on to you, and create fear in you and place the blame on you.
At his point your head begins to spin. You are trying desperately to sort out WHAT IS going on. I thought this person loved me and wanted to be with me, that's what they have been telling me all along and they were so sweet.
WHO IS this new person? Why is he so angry with me? Why is he acting differently, He is acting like he doesn't like me anymore and is going to leave me. What did I do wrong. Why is he acting so strangely. I NEED ANSWERS!!!
What can I do to FIX THIS? Was it me? Have I done something to create this change? Maybe I should give in more to his wants and desires. Maybe I am not understanding him enough or trying hard enough.
He tells you flat out, stop with your bitching. I love you, I did nothing wrong. He tells you exactly what YOU want to hear and/or things that worked on the last victim(s). Or, He says I did it because of you and will never do it again, the message is still basically that, YOU are the problem. You make me this way.
You either comply with his request and shut up and try to do better or you tell him to GET OUT or he leaves. HE IS A RUNNER !!!!!
During the separation period if even for a day or two. You miss him, you miss that initial person who you feel in love with and you don't want this to end. YOU are desperate for him to come back. YOU feel lost, alone and physically ill....YOU will do ANYTHING to get him back.
He comes back and you "talk it out" he agree's to do better and you agree to do better. YOU are full of hope and optimism !! YOU feel like you and him have made a break through in your relationship...YOU feel closer than ever to him....:)
He is delighted, he now has YOU off his back AND you are agreeing to more of his unreasonable demands. He is now doing whatever he wants without you complaining....AND you now have agreed to be more OPEN MINDED to his wants and needs...to his creepy, unpredictable behavior....He is in the process of gaining complete control over your mind and your body.
HE is now getting even more out of you AND you have just shown him that by treating you badly he gets MORE not LESS.
It's a beautiful day in the world of Jekyll/Hyde...
He does not change at all, none of HIS promises come true and now you are giving more than ever and a bit of your soul has been given to the devil because you have now agreed to things which make you uncomfortable with yourself.
There was so much more to this post I couldn't copy and paste it all. My eyes were totally opened. Here are some answers.
Author: Unknown
They feel fear, they may not find someone else to put up with their sorry ass and they contact us initially due to fear of abandonment. Once the dust settles and they regroup, because they feel nothing for us aside from their own contempt and fear of being alone, they begin to contemplate their next move.
The next thing they feel is rage. They are sweet with the hoovering during the abandonment stage and hostile towards you when they go into their preferred emotion which is anger. They prefer the rage because they feel in control while angry, they avoid fear at all cost.
They will have sex with a tree stump to avoid the fear of being alone. Drugs, alcohol, porno, other women, whatever it takes to keep the fear at bay. They don't do intimacy and are afraid of their fear so they resort to "filler" behaviors to keep themselves feeling in control.
They analyze and assess whether or not you are worth additional effort, meaning are you even still good supply. You may be their cash cow, deviant sex buddy, place to live, ect... If none of those factors apply, they simply move on from you in their head and begin to think about WHO IS better at providing for them what they need and want.
They will get out their cell or go online and begin to contact either an old victim who still has some potential or begin to seek out and preen a new victim to fill your shoes. They do this automatically with absolutely NO THOUGHT of you and what they did to you or your feelings. They don't care how you are doing, and you will not hear from at this point unless they want something from you.
This is WHY you see the cycles with the hoovering. You are being hoovered "in between" their efforts to secure another victim. If they hit the jackpot and the other victim takes them in then, you don't hear from them. If other victim becomes a shitty supply for any reason, you hear from them. She is unavailable one night or she is getting demanding or questioning their behaviors.
Once they have secured a new victim for ALL their needs you do not hear from them.
The problem for them lie's in the fact that we are all human and NO ONE can be an excellent supply 24/7, although I tired, LOL. When other victim fails them for any reason, you get a hoover.
As their mask begins to fall we become suspicious and we ask questions not previously asked, we try to set boundaries because we now sense that something is off. We begin to feel uncomfortable with their behaviors and want answers.
THEY can immediately sense that we are on to them, so they begin the business of slowly tearing us down and placing the blame on us.
All of this is a smokescreen specifically designed to keep us off the track of their true nature.To create a cognitive dissonance in us where we begin to grow confused and vaguely uneasy with what they are telling us. Their ONLY thought is to have decent victim and they know from years of experience, THE ONLY way to keep you as a decent victim is to get you off THEIR back and for you to begin to question YOUR actions and what YOU are doing wrong. They mirror back to you their defects of character. This way they can keep you off the track with what is wrong with THEM. Their NEW actions, create fear, doubt, and insecurity in you.
They tell you if you do not STOP this line of questioning and be GOOD, they will abandon YOU. They may outright say this or you may see it in their actions. They go away for a few days, they don't call, they blow you off in either subtle ways or overt ways. All designed to create fear in you and to TRAIN you to BACK OFF and let them be. Jekyll/Hyde speak: "I will do what I want when I want and no bitch is going to tell me what to do."
Basically this is the beginning of the abuse training for the abuse cycle. They act in unacceptable ways, you react and question, they deflect the issue back on to you, and create fear in you and place the blame on you.
At his point your head begins to spin. You are trying desperately to sort out WHAT IS going on. I thought this person loved me and wanted to be with me, that's what they have been telling me all along and they were so sweet.
WHO IS this new person? Why is he so angry with me? Why is he acting differently, He is acting like he doesn't like me anymore and is going to leave me. What did I do wrong. Why is he acting so strangely. I NEED ANSWERS!!!
What can I do to FIX THIS? Was it me? Have I done something to create this change? Maybe I should give in more to his wants and desires. Maybe I am not understanding him enough or trying hard enough.
He tells you flat out, stop with your bitching. I love you, I did nothing wrong. He tells you exactly what YOU want to hear and/or things that worked on the last victim(s). Or, He says I did it because of you and will never do it again, the message is still basically that, YOU are the problem. You make me this way.
You either comply with his request and shut up and try to do better or you tell him to GET OUT or he leaves. HE IS A RUNNER !!!!!
During the separation period if even for a day or two. You miss him, you miss that initial person who you feel in love with and you don't want this to end. YOU are desperate for him to come back. YOU feel lost, alone and physically ill....YOU will do ANYTHING to get him back.
He comes back and you "talk it out" he agree's to do better and you agree to do better. YOU are full of hope and optimism !! YOU feel like you and him have made a break through in your relationship...YOU feel closer than ever to him....:)
He is delighted, he now has YOU off his back AND you are agreeing to more of his unreasonable demands. He is now doing whatever he wants without you complaining....AND you now have agreed to be more OPEN MINDED to his wants and needs...to his creepy, unpredictable behavior....He is in the process of gaining complete control over your mind and your body.
HE is now getting even more out of you AND you have just shown him that by treating you badly he gets MORE not LESS.
It's a beautiful day in the world of Jekyll/Hyde...
He does not change at all, none of HIS promises come true and now you are giving more than ever and a bit of your soul has been given to the devil because you have now agreed to things which make you uncomfortable with yourself.
There was so much more to this post I couldn't copy and paste it all. My eyes were totally opened. Here are some answers.
I know that all abusers are not exactly the same-- but I am curious--- it seems that many "come back and talk it out" or do something to win the victim back. I do recall early on in our relationship that he gave me silly little gifts constantly and I told him I did not want all those gifts. Yet he came home 1-3 times a week with a small purchase and I would tell him again that I would rather just be happy with him than he spend money on trinkets and small items (many that I didn't even know what to do with and even my friend said that he would buy her odd things like gardening gloves and proudly deliver them to her in front of me....).
But we did not talk things out very often... I wanted to but he always avoided with gift giving and sometimes intimacy.....
But that did stop very early on and there was no real act of the honeymoon phase---- other than me trying to do anything to keep the peace and him allowing me to...
So again,I question was a it a true cycle of abuse? I missed most of every honeymoon cycle. When others talk about the good times I don't recall many of the good times and I know for a fact that he did not come back to apologize (he stated he will never apologize), he didn't talk to me about what would happen (he got angry if I brought up "the past" even though it was an hour or a day ago)....
They want to have the company of another but do everything they need to in order to keep you at arms length. It's easier to keep u at a comfortable distance if they control you! If they need u clover they can pull u in and if it's too much they can push u out, so long as have a complete hold over u then they are happiest at that.
Problem arises when naturally a victim starts to question (because no one really ever is in control of another, not really) and they hate the thin veil of illusions they build being brought down