Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hi
I'm pregnant and through my pregnancy my partner has had times of being undermining and emotionally abusive. Its sometimes difficult to tell if hes being abusive and I even think I imagine it at times because he can be very loving and sweet and charming.
I am also confused by him a lot of the time,he came home Friday to tell me he wanted to buy a bigger car for all the kids we would have together. But yesterday I was speaking bout our baby and saying this was a blessing, he said he had thought it was a 'mistake' then he corrected himself and said it was something that just happened and now he had got used to it.
I am confused about all this, I am unsure what he wants and it makes me feel so bad to think that even the thought that our baby was a 'mistake'. The pregnancy was not planned but I feel our child was conceived out of love.
His father makes derogatory comments and put downs too now that I am pregnant and I am struggling to feel good about myself at all. I feel tired at times but still do all the chores at home and make good meals and listen to my partner.
Am I imagining this just being too sensitive or is this a valid thing?
Sabia
I'm pregnant and through my pregnancy my partner has had times of being undermining and emotionally abusive. Its sometimes difficult to tell if hes being abusive and I even think I imagine it at times because he can be very loving and sweet and charming.
I am also confused by him a lot of the time,he came home Friday to tell me he wanted to buy a bigger car for all the kids we would have together. But yesterday I was speaking bout our baby and saying this was a blessing, he said he had thought it was a 'mistake' then he corrected himself and said it was something that just happened and now he had got used to it.
I am confused about all this, I am unsure what he wants and it makes me feel so bad to think that even the thought that our baby was a 'mistake'. The pregnancy was not planned but I feel our child was conceived out of love.
His father makes derogatory comments and put downs too now that I am pregnant and I am struggling to feel good about myself at all. I feel tired at times but still do all the chores at home and make good meals and listen to my partner.
Am I imagining this just being too sensitive or is this a valid thing?
Sabia
I was being emotionally abused but I really didnt realise until towards the end of my pregnancy because the abuse got worse when I was pregnant and it got worse and worse as the pregnancy progressed that in the end I couldn't mistake his treatment as abuse!
I am really sorry to say that it will be abuse because your gut will not be wrong! It never is!!!
It is a fact that in abusive relationships the abuse always intensifies when the woman is pregnant. The reason being is because your more vulnerable. When someone is abusive they prey on their victims vulnerabilities as they seek out weakness!
They can't abuse someone who is strong and who will put their foot down and be in an emotional and mental position to walk away! That's no fun, that's a rubbish game for them be abuse they would loose their victim all too quickly which would bruise their ego and sent their belief in their almighty power and control.
So this is the reason they break their victims self esteem over time in a covert manor, being nice and then nasty at the same time to confuse you! When u reach the point of being more vulnerable then they can up their game, which in returns feeds their ego like a self convincing act that they are powerful and in control.
Do not ever confront your abuser because it can become dangerous, they don't like it being pointed out! Also because u are pregnant it's a great cover up for your reactions to his abuse because your a pregnant hormonal crazy woman who is over emotional and blowing things out of proportion ( obviously your not but that's what he will have u and everyone else believe) my ex tried his very best to convince me that I had actually gone mad when I was pregnant and I needed help, but he said it in a caring way !!!!
Sneaky!!!
Logic is out the window in abusive people so reasoning does not work!
My ex also used to say things then slip up etc... At the time it would drive me mad trying to figure out what he meant or actually thinks, looking back now I don't think he slipped up by accident, I pretty sure he did this kind of thing on purpose to get me to think constantly about it and if I reacted I was crazy, nasty to him, didnt trust him, always taking things the wrong way, making a bug deal out of nothing, being too sensitive, he just made a slip up in his words and I get like this etc....
I don't mean to scare u or shock u but I am just saying the similarities that I see regarding my experience!
I'm now a happy single mother and he is thankfully out of both my life and my daughters, I allowed him in my life for the next 14 months after our daughter was born, in them 14 month he went back to the man I loved, was really nice, started abusing me in different covert ways but I was aware ish about (again I was second guessing if I was going mad and imagining things as I felt so paranoid with all the slip ups he constantly did) but I finally trusted him after 14 months, got back into a relationship with him (we had been kind of together but distant for all that time) and two weeks later when I was feeling down and telling him over the phone how I was feeling he emotionally abused me! (Again I was vulnerable) but this time I saw it for what it was and I'd had enough.
2 days later I see him for the last time, tell him I would no longer out up with it, placed conditions for him to see our daughter based on what was healthy for her, he's not been in touch, it's been 6 month!
I am so sorry your going through this, I know what it is like to be pregnant and have to deal with abuse! My advice is to contact your local women's shelter and they can provide support for you!
I had the support if my family, if u r close to your family then perhaps turn to them as well. You don't have to live with abuse!
though I'm sorry you've
had to search out and
post on a forum dealing
with abuse. But I'm also
glad that you did.
You wrote:
through my pregnancy my partner has had times of being undermining and emotionally abusive.
And
His father makes derogatory comments and put downs too
Though your initial post is
relatively brief, those two
sentences leave me feeling
pretty clear that you are indeed
experiencing emotional abuse.
(And any kind of abuse IS
ABUSE.)
You don't say where you live
but in most developed countries,
there are women's resource
centers somewhere not too
far away. I urge you to find
where yours is, and make a
visit there. They generally
have lots of ways to help
women in a variety of
situations.
Also, it sounds like your
relationship may not be
an actual marriage. If
that's the case, that may
make your future a little
easier.
Please begin learning all
you can about abuse in
general and emotional
abuse in particular. As
you do, be sure to NOT
share what you're learning,
and do NOT tell him that
he's an abuser.
Again, I urge you to
visit your nearest
women's center
as soon as possible.
Take good care of yourself!
I don't want to go to a women's shelter I am unsure what I will do to be honest I feel quite alone at the moment but I feel better to know that there are options for me if I do leave and it gets worse
I did not say
to go to the
women's shelter.
I urged you to
check out the
women's CENTER
at which there are
generally
many different
kinds of resources.
Also, I hope you'll
keep reading here,
as there is much
collective wisdom
among this group
of tenacious survivors.
You are
NOT
alone!
It's always a good thing to gather knowledge, it's helps u to make decisions, it helps you to understand the direction u could go in and many other doors can open!
No one would ever ever force you to do anything from any support u look into, not from here or the shelter etc...all your doing is reading a leaflet or listening to advice or taking down numbers and being given options! The rest is up to you!
And your not alone, we r here!! Always
Secondly, there is no such thing as "too sensitive". If someone says or does something hurtful, and you are hurt by it, the cause of the hurt is their hurtful words or act - not your sensitivity. If someone hits you and you bruise, the bruise is not caused by your physical sensitivity, but by the hit.
Confusion, such as you describe, is a classic hallmark of emotional abuse. It's an abuser's stock in trade - keep you off balance wondering what they are thinking, what they want, how to keep them happy, why they say this, why they do that. Constantly focussed on the minutiae and the questions so that you don't have time to see the bigger picture - that nobody deserves that kind of nastiness. To tell you when you are pregnant and thrilled with the "blessing" that that "blessing" was actually a mistake? And then deny it, so that if you try to make an issue out of it, you're the crazy one.
Also, another resource that may help you make sense of what you are feeling and thinking is www.youarenotcrazy.com.
And finally, take really good care of yourself. Pregnancy is a wonderful, but never especially easy time. Made much harder by abuse. Be good to yourself and nurture yourself. You, and your unborn baby, are worth it.
I will try to read up on the mental abuse I am slowly realising that things are not right even though he has times of being very nice to me so then it seems ok. The bad times hurt me though.
My baby is doing well so I am happy and I do see this as a blessing even though he degraded me and it still makes me sad and hurt to know that he thinks that way. I think it is so confusing that a man can one day talk of having lots of children then another say that the child he has already conceived just happened. He said he would not have planned this child so that again makes me unhappy knowing that this is not something he would chosen if he had to do this over again.
These are statements
straight out of "The
Abuser's Playbook."
They are TEXTBOOK
typical of lies abusers
tell in order to keep
their victim under
control.
Please find a counselor
whose specialty is abuse.
By the way. . . (and this
is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!)
. . . . . . abusers often get
worse during their partner's
pregnancy. A pregnant
victim (and of course her
unborn baby) are at
INCREASED RISK.
Please reach out for
help in your geographical
area.
And please be very, VERY
careful!!!!!!!!!
I am glad you have reached out here. You have gotten a lot of really great advice .... I can imagine some of it might be overwhelming. Especially pregnant and, perhaps, feeling more vulnerable and tied to your partner.
Take some deep breaths and congratulate yourself on taking the huge step on reaching out to make contact with other people who are, or have been, in similar situations. Like the others said, you are NOT alone in this.
Take very good care of yourself and your baby-on-board. Be nice to yourself.
Do some reading on the Internet (and be careful to clear your browser history afterwards so that your partner won't learn what you are reading). If you don't know how, let us know what browser you use and we can help you.
In addition to reading about the signs of abuse, read about how you can protect yourself emotionally while you are still with your partner. Him being mean is HIS problem, not yours. Don't let him convince you that you are crazy, or too sensitive, or "hormonal." You don't have to -- and probably should not -- argue with him when he says these things, but remind yourself silently that he is wrong.
And -- keep posting here and reading here. We are always glad to listen/read and share our experiences.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
But like Kaz, I'm now a happy single mother, my now 5 year old boy is happy, healthy, loving and confident. Of course, I wish things could have been different, but I don't for a moment regret my decision to save my son from that environment.
My daughter can have a better life! I had a choice, one life for her or another, I chose the best life she would flourish in to give her the best possible chance in life to be healthy! And I'd do it a million times again if I had to!
When you become a mother and your baby is in your arms everything changes!
The change I went through felt to me as if I was a lioness with her cub! Woe the arsehole who dared to hurt my cub, !!
Still took me 14months to realise he wasn't going to change!