It has been helpful to me in Domestic Violence classes and workshops and reading (specifically The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans) to learn that the abuser seeks power and control over me, and if I can simplify his irrational behavior (whether it be a lie, his temper preventing communictation, his withdrawal or withholding, his denial or blaming, his trivializing and discounting me, his mean jokes or name calling, his threats) into that he just wants to have power and control over me and it's not healthy and I can see it for what it is and hold onto my own thoughts and feelings and intuition and sanity and not let someone else define me. Abusers get a sense of power by being in a position of having power over someone by using manipulation in these and other ways. Healthy relationships seek mutuality in being open and honest and seeking out the same in the other. He does not operate in this way, he gets a sense of power by having something on me. He keeps stuff from me. He hides the truth from me. He abandons me and blames me for not reaching out to him. I don't want to go back this time. I want to stay strong. I need to be in healthy relationships to heal and grow. I don't want to settle for abuse which has become familiar. It is preferable for me to be alone than to try to change an abuser. It is hard when he isn't always abusive, it's a gamble. It's illogical and irrational. I need to take care of myself and let healthy people in, and stop putting my faith in him, it just puts me down. I don't want to put myself down by counting on him.
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