Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I wanted to start a topic on the COVERT narcissist, vs the more widely known and more easily recognizable OVERT narcissist, because I think this disorder it is very easy to miss and is VERY dangerous to deal with. I also have observed that many of us are dealing with this more sinister, undercover narcissist type and I wanted to talk about how to recognize the signs for those who might not have dealt with them so that you can know how to spot them in the future and avoid them.
If you have been a victim of abuse via an Overt narcissist, the Covert narcissist personality may likely be very appealing to you at first. They generally come off as very opposite from their more domineering or aggressive Overt counterparts. They often project a good-hearted and giving personality, and often can go for years rarely showing their true face.
Here is a slightly long but very detailed video explaining the COVERT Narc and the dangers of being involved with one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M
On this website, the Covert narcissist is explained a little more in detail:
The following is from: http://infoselfdevelopment.com/covert-narcissism-know-your-emotional-abuser/
"Overt narcissists are more common and much easier to spot, they externalise their arrogance, are outwardly demanding and display extreme character traits and their confrontational communication style does not go unnoticed!
Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheeps clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so lets focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a CALM and PATIENT mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.
Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.
They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they dont believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists dont possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they cant. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They dont feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.
So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists cant hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.
The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:
- Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you cant quite put your finger on
- Stubborn, rarely apologizing unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)
- Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault
- Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe
- Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation
- Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you
- Very sensitive to constructive criticism
- Inability to form intimate relationships
- Inability to feel genuine remorse
- Blaming others for their problems
- Low emotional intelligence
- Highly materialistic
- Extreme lack of empathy
- Superficially charming
- A victim mentality."
If you have been a victim of abuse via an Overt narcissist, the Covert narcissist personality may likely be very appealing to you at first. They generally come off as very opposite from their more domineering or aggressive Overt counterparts. They often project a good-hearted and giving personality, and often can go for years rarely showing their true face.
Here is a slightly long but very detailed video explaining the COVERT Narc and the dangers of being involved with one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M
On this website, the Covert narcissist is explained a little more in detail:
The following is from: http://infoselfdevelopment.com/covert-narcissism-know-your-emotional-abuser/
"Overt narcissists are more common and much easier to spot, they externalise their arrogance, are outwardly demanding and display extreme character traits and their confrontational communication style does not go unnoticed!
Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheeps clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so lets focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a CALM and PATIENT mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.
Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.
They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they dont believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists dont possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they cant. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They dont feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.
So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists cant hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.
The tell tale signs to help you recognize a covert narcissist:
- Emptiness, seems to have something missing that you cant quite put your finger on
- Stubborn, rarely apologizing unless they want something from you (see narcissistic supply)
- Ability to make you feel guilty, even when something is not your fault
- Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe
- Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation
- Projecting their insecurities and defects onto you
- Very sensitive to constructive criticism
- Inability to form intimate relationships
- Inability to feel genuine remorse
- Blaming others for their problems
- Low emotional intelligence
- Highly materialistic
- Extreme lack of empathy
- Superficially charming
- A victim mentality."
-CC
"- Entirely self centered; they are the center of their own universe
- Expert liars; charming, hypnotic, a master of manipulation
- Highly materialistic
- Extreme lack of empathy
- Superficially charming
- Inability to feel genuine remorse "
These sum her up the best in addition to everything else.
I've written on DS here and there about her in the past and very few were able to identify with what a covert narcissist is. Thanks to her I lost a few years of my life. I felt dead inside every time I came home because she made life on our cul de sac so miserable. Doesn't help that our kids go to the same school either and are in the same class -- mine will be switching this fall so we will be able to have a "final" break from her and her child in our lives.
In addition, the convert narcissist was able to coax many of the other neighbors into being her flying monkeys. So good to leave them behind, too. They can all have each other.
The things he did behind closed doors could have been made into a suspense movie, but when around others, completely calm and complimentary.
It never ceases to amaze me, now that we are apart how much I let him get away with.
Stay strong to those who need to get out!