Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I always blame myself. Its why I can never leave.
We were both drinking last Friday so of course I blame myself. He had started throwing wild jealous accusations at me after months of peace. This is of course my fault also, because I stopped behaving one night a couple weeks ago while he was gone plowing snow and a drank too much at home alone in a blizzard (again, my fault) and didnt answer my phone for a couple of hours because I was asleep.
Because of ONE night after months of my staying at home and behaving, not seeing friends or family after 5pm, completely rearranging my schedule as to always take morning classes at the gym instead of night classes , just so I didnt have to deal with arguments, because of this one night I did not answer my phone between the hours of 6pm and 11pm because I had fallen asleep, I was now, AGAIN, in his mind all of the following things: A drunk, an uncaring selfish person, a person who ONLY cares about going to the gym, not raising a family, a person with no goals in life, a person who only cares about partying, a person who does not care about saving money and only wants to vacation, a person who does not want children.
And then I started to defend myself. Thats where I always lose myself. Thats where the line starts to blur. I need to be with him so I can prove Im not those things.
I still became angry. I said, And what if medically, I could not have children? Then how would you feel about me? I wanted to know what he would say. He snarled at me, You piece of shit liar. You've wasted my fucking time and jerked me around for years if that is true. Motherfucker, stupid bitch, liar. Youre nothing but a piece of shit.
I told him he didnt love me. How could someone react that way to the question I had asked? I can have children, I just wanted to know what he would say.
I screamed at him to leave. I wanted him gone. He went outside and I locked him out.
He came to the door screaming at me to let him in so he could get his shit. I refused. He started to kick the door in. He kicked in the whole door frame knocking the whole trim board out of the wall and and busted through. The trim board hit me in the face (in the morning, I would realize it gave me a black eye). He picked up the toaster oven and smashed it on the floor, glass flying everywhere. He stomped through the house as we were both screaming at one another and grabbed a box of his things on the floor. I was standing in the kitchen and we were still screaming at one another and somehow we began to get physical. I was drinking also so Im not sure exactly what happened, but as I recall he was trying to get past me and shoved me out of his way at which point I was pushed backwards onto our woodstove. I fell on top of the burning hot stove and then became stuck in-between the stove and our wood pile. I was screaming in pain and he had already left me there. I freed myself and crawled, screaming to my bed, and passed out, Im guessing from pain for three hours. When I woke up, I realized just how bad the burns were. My entire right side of my back and entire buttocks were covered in 2nd degree burns.
The past week I have been slowly recovering. The pain is unbearable. The worst I have ever felt. I cant go to the gym; a place he is jealous of because I go everyday religiously. Its the ONE place that make me feel strong and now Ive lost that.
He says he doesnt remember shoving me and that he would have never have left if hed known what happened. But he was there. He saw me fall. He had shoved me and he left me. He says, hes not an abuser, that he had no choice, that was acting like a crazy person, that he was just trying to leave trying to get away from me. So it is my fault?
He was upset yesterday because I told a friend what happened. Because now hell never live this down. I told him, my friends are just worried about me. His response, well, whos worried about me?.
He says this relationship MAKES him this way, that he only loses control around me and doesnt want to be around me anymore, that he cant be with someone who has the audacity to accuse him of being and abuser. At times, I hate him. I hate him so much and I want him gone and then he says he doesnt want to be with me because Im the one creating the problem and then I want him to stay. It so confusing. I know this relationship needs to end also, but when he blames me, I feel the rush of blood to my brain and beg him to stay. Why do I do that? Why do I want to prove myself to this man who obviously doesnt care for me.
I blame myself when he blames me. Its why I can never leave.
We were both drinking last Friday so of course I blame myself. He had started throwing wild jealous accusations at me after months of peace. This is of course my fault also, because I stopped behaving one night a couple weeks ago while he was gone plowing snow and a drank too much at home alone in a blizzard (again, my fault) and didnt answer my phone for a couple of hours because I was asleep.
Because of ONE night after months of my staying at home and behaving, not seeing friends or family after 5pm, completely rearranging my schedule as to always take morning classes at the gym instead of night classes , just so I didnt have to deal with arguments, because of this one night I did not answer my phone between the hours of 6pm and 11pm because I had fallen asleep, I was now, AGAIN, in his mind all of the following things: A drunk, an uncaring selfish person, a person who ONLY cares about going to the gym, not raising a family, a person with no goals in life, a person who only cares about partying, a person who does not care about saving money and only wants to vacation, a person who does not want children.
And then I started to defend myself. Thats where I always lose myself. Thats where the line starts to blur. I need to be with him so I can prove Im not those things.
I still became angry. I said, And what if medically, I could not have children? Then how would you feel about me? I wanted to know what he would say. He snarled at me, You piece of shit liar. You've wasted my fucking time and jerked me around for years if that is true. Motherfucker, stupid bitch, liar. Youre nothing but a piece of shit.
I told him he didnt love me. How could someone react that way to the question I had asked? I can have children, I just wanted to know what he would say.
I screamed at him to leave. I wanted him gone. He went outside and I locked him out.
He came to the door screaming at me to let him in so he could get his shit. I refused. He started to kick the door in. He kicked in the whole door frame knocking the whole trim board out of the wall and and busted through. The trim board hit me in the face (in the morning, I would realize it gave me a black eye). He picked up the toaster oven and smashed it on the floor, glass flying everywhere. He stomped through the house as we were both screaming at one another and grabbed a box of his things on the floor. I was standing in the kitchen and we were still screaming at one another and somehow we began to get physical. I was drinking also so Im not sure exactly what happened, but as I recall he was trying to get past me and shoved me out of his way at which point I was pushed backwards onto our woodstove. I fell on top of the burning hot stove and then became stuck in-between the stove and our wood pile. I was screaming in pain and he had already left me there. I freed myself and crawled, screaming to my bed, and passed out, Im guessing from pain for three hours. When I woke up, I realized just how bad the burns were. My entire right side of my back and entire buttocks were covered in 2nd degree burns.
The past week I have been slowly recovering. The pain is unbearable. The worst I have ever felt. I cant go to the gym; a place he is jealous of because I go everyday religiously. Its the ONE place that make me feel strong and now Ive lost that.
He says he doesnt remember shoving me and that he would have never have left if hed known what happened. But he was there. He saw me fall. He had shoved me and he left me. He says, hes not an abuser, that he had no choice, that was acting like a crazy person, that he was just trying to leave trying to get away from me. So it is my fault?
He was upset yesterday because I told a friend what happened. Because now hell never live this down. I told him, my friends are just worried about me. His response, well, whos worried about me?.
He says this relationship MAKES him this way, that he only loses control around me and doesnt want to be around me anymore, that he cant be with someone who has the audacity to accuse him of being and abuser. At times, I hate him. I hate him so much and I want him gone and then he says he doesnt want to be with me because Im the one creating the problem and then I want him to stay. It so confusing. I know this relationship needs to end also, but when he blames me, I feel the rush of blood to my brain and beg him to stay. Why do I do that? Why do I want to prove myself to this man who obviously doesnt care for me.
I blame myself when he blames me. Its why I can never leave.
Please know that EVERYTHING he says and does is HIS responsibility, NOT yours! EVERYTHING you say and do is YOUR responsibility, NOT his.
Everything you described him doing/saying IS ABUSE. And its way past time to leave, regardless of whether you feel guilty or not.
Please get into counseling with a qualified trauma release therapist ASAP. Make sure that the therapist has additional training in the dynamics & effects of abuse AND additional modalities that help w/trauma release.
Also contact your local women's shelter & ask them to help you make a SAFE plan to leave.
STOP drinking. It only compounds the abuse fog that is enabling you to believe that everything is your fault and you have to stay because you feel guilty. THAT is a typical but incorrect belief of those who have been and/or are being abused.
And, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES tell him that you think he's abusive OR that you are talking w/your local shelter or seeking therapy.
~healing hugs~
everything that
MTC wrote in
her response.
I will only add
a blazing red
hot warning to
you that. . . .
you are
IN DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You've already been
severly injured and
are suffering
excruciating pain.
You can see that
it's NOT JUST
that he has
NO CONCERN
for your wellbeing.
The only concern
he has is the ability
to feed his dysfunction.
When you oppose
that ability, in his mind
you are his ENEMY.
You've already seen a
tip of the iceberg of what
he's capable of doing
if he feels that
you're his enemy.
This:
800.838.8238
is the number
for your state's
coalition against
domestic assault.
CALL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have them help you
make a SAFETY PLAN
and get you into a
counseling program.
The longer you
maintain contact
with him, the
longer you continue
to be at risk of
whatever he feels
like doing at any
given moment.
And yes, I'm going
to second one of
the things MTC
talked about.
If you talk with
him again,
do NOT. . .
I repeat. . . .
DO NOT
tell him that
he's an abuser.
That's like waving
a red cape in front
of an enraged bull.
It will inevitably
flame his inherent
violence.
Please call that number
TODAY. Here it is again:I concur with
everything that
MTC wrote in
her response.
I will only add
a blaxing red
hot warning to
you that. . . .
you are
IN DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You've already been
severly injured and
are suffering
excruciating pain.
You can see that
it's NOT JUST
that he has
NO CONCERN
for your wellbeing.
The only concern
he has is the ability
to feed his dysfunction.
When you oppose
that ability, in his mind
you are his ENEMY.
You already see a tip
of the iceberg of what
he's capable of doing
if he feels that
you're his enemy.
This:
800.838.8238
is the number
for your state's
coalition against
domestic assault.
CALL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have them help you
make a SAFETY PLAN
and get you into a
counseling program.
The longer you
maintain contact
with him, the
longer you continue
to be at risk of
whatever he feels
like doing at any
given moment.
And yes, I'm going
to second one of
the things MTC
talked about.
If you talk with
him agina,
do NOT. . .
I repeat. . . .
DO NOT
tell him that
he's an abuser.
That's like waving
a red cape in front
of an enraged bull.
It's a sure way to
flame his inherent
violence.
Please call that number
TODAY. Here it is again:
800.838.8238
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
clarity and safety.
before I hit "add" so
that I don't lose what
I've already composed.
When I added the
hotline number a
second time, I
inadvertantly
pasted a bunch
of stuff I didn't
mean to, when
I'd just wanted
to list the number
again. Sorry.
Please stop drinking so you can keep your wits about you.
I think you drink to cover the pain; but if you leave, you won't feel the need to drink as much.
Maybe your first step is to attend some AA meetings.
Hugs.