Here are the tests if anyone else wants to check them out.

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bor...
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/person...

Thank you for your understanding. I am just thinking to myself, what if I pushed him into other affairs with distancing myself from him? Not answering his calls because of my emotional unavailibilty at times? My mood swings? My own patterns of blowing hot and cold? My fear of getting close because of being abandoned?
He would often say we are both hard headed and stubborn..maybe he seen these things in me, even when I did not and he chose to just move on instead of doing as I did and close off himself.

First of all - this is just an online quiz and you really need to see a psychologist for a proper diagnosis.

Second of all - even with a diagnosis, that's still just a label and a definition, and does not in no way mean you are a bad or flawed person or that you somehow deserved the way others treated you. Let's say you were diagnosed with a personality disorder. That's no excuse for someone else to mistreat you. It's no different than if you had cancer or diabetes - you did nothing to deserve abuse or mistreatment.

Lastly - even a psychologist agrees you may have a personality disorder - knowledge is a key to overcoming and healing. It's not the end of the world, but a beginning to a happier life. And there is no reason you can't or shouldn't post here - we all have issues we are trying to overcome.

Take care.

I agree that an online quiz cannot give you a diagnosis.

I would also like to add that somewhere recently, I read that being in the throes of an abusive relationship CAN (not definitely, but not definitely NOT) give some people symptoms which are like those of Borderline Personality Disorder.

This source was very clear that the symptoms were not the actual disorder, but rather were the result of the effects of the abuser's behaviour on the victim. Plus, the symptoms gradually disappeared after quite some time of non-engagement with the abuser and no contact.

If the abuser is still finding his way back into your life and disturbing you, you are possibly in that situation. It doesn't necessarily mean you have a personality disorder.

I would echo kevin's point that going to a professional is the only way to get an actual diagnosis.

Hugs xx

regarding the quizzes and your first score of 23. That's not very high, and that is on the low end of "likely" according to their arbitrary scale. It may be the difference between answering "strongly agree" vs "agree" on some questions, and how you answer may have to do with your mood at the time you took it. So I would not read much into that score at all. Someone who has BPD will score almost twice that - trust me, I am living with someone who has been diagnosed BPD, and if I answer the questions from her perspective, she scores above the top end of the scale.

RBunny's post about the abuse creating s&s of a mental disorder that doesn't truly exist makes a lot of sense to me ........ so does Kevin's suggestion of getting a professional dx and not labeling yourself. A therapist with experience in working with people in abusive relationships would be best.

I'm with Bunny. With the abuse being a factor, a fair assessment would be next to impossible. Almost all abuse is done with the INTENTION of creating this behavior in you, so it's darn hard to distinguish between internal and external causes at this point.

It's like.. Imagine your spouse took an axe to your leg. Now you're trying to determine if there's something wrong with your leg, and doing press tests to see how much it can take. And then blaming yourself - 'Look how weak my legs are! No wonder he did it to me!' If there is a problem, it's good of you to want to be aware of it and take steps to correct it - Proof you're not an abuser, actually. But this is not the time to be looking for new ones - you have to heal and recover first - then make a new assessment when you're back up to who YOU actually are, not who he's made you out to be.

Burn ward, axe, death by a thousand cuts... my metaphors are kind of violent these days, aren't they? With good reason, I suppose.

Don't stress about the test. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that Borderline develops following childhood trauma and as such, it shares a lot of features with PTSD. Most if us on this site will share some traits with Borderline sufferers.

Thank you so much everyone for your words of support. This does give me a lot to think about though. I am realizing I do need to get back into therapy, I just need to find a therapist that I fit with, like my last one, but that I can feel comfortable going to. Perhaps one that is not in my town and one that is not recommended by a friend so that the "friend" can then snoop into the actual therapy done.
I have enough trust issues without that.