ltwist I was just thinking about you a few minutes ago, and then read your post. I was going to message you but decided just answer your post instead. What I was thinking is how inspirational you've been to me. You recognized what was going on, made a decision to leave and left, and have been strong with your convictions to not have contact with him and to move on with your life. It really has only been a couple of months since you left! So thank you for being such an inspiration, and for all of the support and thoughtful insights you've shared on here with me and others.

On the subject of anger, I would think it would be a process, of recognizing it and figuring out how to manage it and release it. I am no expert by any means, I have to do the same thing. I was never allowed to be angry growing up. Early on I learned how to stuff anger and I ended up depressed as a result. It always goes somewhere, and for those of us who've been abused in relationships, there has to be anger somewhere in us toward the people who have treated us so badly.

My therapist keeps commenting that I am so "controlled". I don't yell, I rarely curse, I don't throw my hands up or get animated while I'm talking about things that he thinks "should" make me very angry. In fact, in real life when I get angry, I cry. It sends the wrong message but I don't know what to do about that. It's like an instinctual response.

For the past few months I've been releasing anger slowly through journaling and exercise. Most days it's very difficult for me to motivate myself to exercise, I'd rather read and be on here and go to therapy and paint and talk on the phone, etc. But I feel so much better when I do exercise.

anyway I hope I didn't make this too much about me (I just posted about that on another thread!). I think it's normal and natural that it will take you more time to process all of that. Hope your therapy appointment helped! ((((HUGS)))))

I'm feeling the anger today, too. If I may, this is how I'm coming to think of it:

The bible talks about foolishness. Foolishness will ruin your life. But it doesn't say that it's a sin to be a fool, just foolish. Fools cannot make wise choices. Tarot uses much the same imagery, while glorfying the positive aspects of the fool, as well. (Solomon mentions a few of those in Ecclesiastes.)

Likewise, drinking. There are no scriptures that say drinking is a sin. There are scriptures that say getting drunk is foolish. Getting drunk lowers your inhibitions, and may result in you making a foolish choice of some sort.

I think of anger in much the same way. There is nothing wrong with it inherantly. It can lead to loss of control, and thus is foolish. But it can be expressed wisely - that is, in a manner which allows it to be expressed, without hurting anyone else. Thus the pillow, the art, the screaming therapy, the exersize... Positive and wise ways of managing what is a natural and healthy response to wrongs.

Be angry! That's healthy. Bitterness and hatred... less healthy. But being angry should theoretically help prevent those.

Wow ltwist you got me thinking of something I hadn't put into words before. Yes, he does get to keep his dreams! That makes me angry too. I too have anger that he did a bait and switch routine with me. I have anger maybe most of all that I trusted him to protect me and yet he has turned out to be the one who has hurt me the most. Then feel no shame.

I agree that we can have righteous anger. Anger at injustice. Jesus was angered at injustice too and those who were hypocrites.

One of Leslie's game plans to get strengthened begins with being committed to the truth (The C part of building your CORE). I think we have all spent much time dressing up, putting makeup on (sorry guys) and primping our situations so they look good to the outside world. Now that we're no longer primping as the makeup sits in the drawer, the relationship truths aren't being masked under loads of makeup and its not pretty.

Thanks for the kind words Daydreamer. I'm glad if I have provided you inspiration. When I am feeling good, I sometime applaud myself for getting away so quickly, and not allowing myself to be subjected any longer to his meanness. On such occasions I actually look at it as strength on my part.

I also express anger with tears and I am just so damn tired of crying. Good session with my therapist today though. I figured out a couple of more red flags I missed. When we first started dating, in addition to telling me he was the only one of four children to be physically abused by his dad, he told me that when he turned 11 or 12, his parents would ship him out to Nebraska for the summers to work a relative's farm. Again, he was the only child sent away. I also recalled what his mom told me last year at a family wedding. She told me he was difficult to be in a relationship, but she also said that she and her husband knew the day he left home at 18 that he would always struggle in life.

When I told my therapist this, the discussion turned to how some abusers' brains are formed differently (not sure what the exact word was that she used). And it wasn't necessarily the same as a personality disorder per say. So I wonder now if he was a very naughty little boy who even his parents could not handle.

Not that any of this really matters in the big picture, but it does reinforce the notion that there is something wrong with him and probably has been since he was a child.

And Bax I do agree anger is healthy in these circumstances. I just worry sometimes that I may not be able to let the anger go.