Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've had a few experiences lately where people (typically older than me) feel they need to tell me that I should stick with my marriage, that too many people "just quit" their marriages because there is conflict. My husband was not physically abusive, and also I don't really feel like I want to go into detail about why I decided to leave him. On one hand I feel like I don't need to justify or prove to anyone that I had good and enough reasons to leave. On the other hand it's started playing with my head a little. My husband has been much more of a decent guy since I left, and it's been 11 months this week. The kids have started actually wanting to be around him since he's changed his behavior toward them in a positive way (which is GREAT! exactly what I was hoping for).
I know I have issues with feeling inferior to other people, but in this case I've started to doubt myself. Before I left him this time, I considered leaving another time and went to the women's shelter and got all sorts of confirmation that he was very emotionally and financially abusive. He even bordered on sexually abusive. I guess enough time has passed since I experienced that from him, in addition to these people making their judgements, has made me question if we should stay separated. We have two young children and of course I would rather our family stay intact if my husband wasn't abusing us that way. A number of you were around when I was on here venting about his behavior, I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I did the right thing from people who understand the complex nature of covert abuse.
If you aren't in therapy with a qualified trauma release therapist, please find one and start therapy. And go as much No Contact as you can. The more and longer you're not exposed to him, the clearer your head will become and you will start to see he's just 'toying' w/you.
As far as what others are saying to you, that's just them projecting their own crap on to you! What they think is really irrelevant. THEY don't have to live with the abuse. Also, they might actually be living w/abuse, but are in denial. Please ignore them!
EVERYONE I knew thought the ex was Mr Wonderful and didn't believe me. I lost some "friends" who picked him over me. Hey, with friends like that, I sure don't need enemies. So, good riddance!
I've been out a long time and I can say it was the best decision I ever made. After all this time, our adult kids are finally starting to see his "other" side, as are some others. I know there are still a lot of others who still think he's the greatest guy. I don't care what they think about him or me. They didn't/don't have to live with him. I KNOW I did the right thing. And what I did was no body's business but mine. Their judgments and "advice" are nothing more than their self-projections and have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Know that you aren't "just quitting" your marriage. HE BROKE THE CONTRACT!!!! You and your kids have a right to live an abuse free life!!
~healing hugs~
to add to what the others
said, but they're right and
you were right to leave.
I'll post again later today
with additional thoughts.
***Playing devils advocate, lets say that it wasn't all as bad as you remembered, and that it might have been workable....***
Fact is it WASN'T working then....and it's starting to work NOW.
So as an analogy, if putting oil in the car will make the car go (you leaving and his making changes)....then you should now...take the oil out (go back)....ummm....how is that going to help? You've TRIED that already, and it didn't work.
Relate that snippet to your older friends... Just keep repeating "you want me to take the oil OUT...you want me to take the oil OUT? I'm so confused...I don't understand why you want me to go back to something that wasn't working for any of us!...."
that you try the exercise I
developed. It's here on the
board somewhere titled:
Ilene's Clarifying Index
Card exercise.
The exercise is good for
quite a number of different
things, not the least of which
is that it helps eliminate the
self-doubt that's so typical
of leaving an emotional abuser.
The second thing is that
the only way that abusers
change, is that they get worse.
Before I go on, I'll acknowledge
that one in many, many million
abusers might be able to change
for the better. Is your abuser or
ex-(abuser) that one in many,
many million? He (or she)
might be. How many extra
years do you have in your
time-limited life, to share
with someone who's already
abused you, on the chance
that he (or she), might someday
be non-abusive towards you?
So, I say again, abusers
only ever change for the
worse.
When they've managed to
be non-abusive for some
period of time, usually
when they're trying to
capture their victim or
to prevent their victim's
escape, some abusers
are able to be less
abusive for some duration.
Once they've either
captured or re-captured
their victim, they WILL
return to being abusive,
often even more abusive
than before (in the case
of a successful re-capture).
In the case of a capture,
they'll return to their
default setting of being
abusive because covering
that up was enormously
draining and they can't
keep it up indefinitely.
In the case of a recapture
they'll be more abusive
than before because now
their anger at the attempted
escape, can be vented and
retribution exacted. After a
very brief "honeymoon" period
they will take revenge on the
recaptured victim, as payback
for the unsuccessful escape.
Whatever passed for hell
before the escape will become
a day at the beach, once
the abuser feels he or she
has secured the victim and
is again fully in control.
Do not be fooled by
an abuser appearing
non-abusive for some
brief period of time.
If you want to give a
supposedly reformed
abuser a chance, then
the abuser should be
working indefinitely
with a qualified therapist
and any reunion should
NOT be attempted before
at least eighteen months
of therapy have gone by.
That reunion should not
include moving back in
together and therapy
should not stop at that
point.
If the abuser can take
frustrations, stresses,
being told "no," and
other real-life situations
without becoming abusive
again. . . . . maybe. . . . . . .
maybe some real change
has taken place. This kind
of change does not happen
very often. It's extremely rare.
The abuser probably needs
to always be in therapy,
certainly after a reunion
that includes moving back
in together.
Personally, I've only ever
met one violent abuser
who, over many decades,
proved to be non-violent
and probably non-abusive.
Based on my experience,
I won't say that it can't ever
happen, but also, based on
my personal and professional
experience, I'd have to say
that the chances of an abuser
becoming non-abusive are
exponentially unlikely.
As far as caring what
anyone else in the world
thinks or has to say about
sticking it out with an
abuser, please go with
your gut. Other people's
opinions in this matter
do NOT count! The only
opinion that counts here
is YOURS.
Let's say just by chance he really did change (not that I believe it, but we'll go devils advocate). Human nature likes habits, paths of least resistance. Have you ever had a friend that you didn't see for years, and then when you did it was like you'd never been apart? Each two people that enter into any type of relationship create a unique interaction. Peas in a pod? Oil and water? People mix together in different ways. Once a baseline interaction has been created between two people, changing it almost never happens. Different people illicit different reactions out us. Why don't we act the same with everyone? Because different people bring out different qualities and traits that we inherently possess.
If you two were to get back together, old patterns would quickly resume. No matter how much you might try to make it different. We're human. It's what we do. Sometimes it works to our great benefit, other times it's a total disaster.
Once upon a time I thought I loved him enough to let him destroy me. Read that again. And again. And again. There is something very, very wrong with that sentence. Do you see it?
I hate the mind games. They're horrible. I can't get them to stop. Just try to remember why you left in the first place. You were so strong and brave and planned. You did what was right for your kids. Don't let people make you doubt yourself. You know why you had to do what you did. It's really none of their business anyway.
I'm not very insightful but I am still around to chat. :-)
You all gave me just what I needed right now. Thank you!