OH my God you sound just like me!! It's crazy amazing how these guys are so damn similar! Unbelievable. You put it in words better than I ever could and wow!! My ex did the same thing to me but he probably left and came back over 200 times no joke! I kept doing it and doing it and believing him then ending up miserable again. Your story is so similar my jaw dropped while reading it. This is not the first time thought. These guys are so predictable and typical of abusers. You will find that you are definitely not alone.
My ex actually broke up with me to mess around for a whole summer. I got to living again and dated a guy for about a month. He found out about it because he would spy on me. So later when he lured me back in he actually accused me of cheating etc.. because I was with that guy and you would think I was the one who did something wrong not him! It is crazy making - Im sure you read about that in your book. I haven't read that book yet but plan to check it out now that you mentioned it. If you talked to my ex he would tell you all about how it was me tripping on him. He would leave me and go live at the ex wife house and then want me back telling me they weren't together they just lived together etc.... I don't care if he did or not the point is he kept leaving me to go there and claimed it was to see his kids. I get angry reading about your post too! I am still angry. Mine just left me the day after Thanksgiving and I won't lie, its hard but I sure hope I never let myself go back to it. I have failed at this many times and hope that later on I look back and feel better about my life and how far I've come but for now i'm still in pain and feeling all kinds of emotions on and off. I do not feel normal in the least, yet! I hope you find some comfort here and I hope it helps to know your not alone. Many of us have come from the same exact kind of abuse you are talking about.

Please do not hate yourself, abusers take our best qualities and exploit them, use them against us! For some abusers it's even an ego trip to take someone amazing, who is "loving life" like you were, like they can never seem to internalize and really feel, and break them down. For a certain kind of abuser, the more amazing someone is the more validating to an abuser's fragile ego to gain control over them in their sly, insidious, manipulative way.

I don't blame you for being angry! I still feel anger, and have felt at times more than anger, but absolute rage and hate. But use that anger for something constructive-getting out and getting out for good! Don't turn it inward on yourself, get it out, journal it, write it here, go to a counselor trained and experience in abuse or trauma, hit a pillow, take it out on the treadmill, but above all-channel it into remaining NO CONTACT and turn it into strength.

radrm, the book says because they are afraid of intimacy and dependency, they have more then one relationship, that way they are not totally committed to either. They stay confused about who is the right one for them. They want to beloved and accepted but create the situation that is miserable blaming the victim instead of taking responsibility for their actions. Their actions are to keep them a safe distance. Promise the world, then take it back, when you react, they blame you for the problem. They set you up. I'm afraid since he is building a house 1 mile up the road from me, that my next no contact will be if I move from my home. I have lived in this small town 25 years. I don't trust myself not to give in again, but I don't want to leave. I hope what I am reading will give me the clarity to never believe him again. When I first started reading it, I had a mini melt down. I cried for two days. I told everyone I was sick, but really I was overwhelmed to learn the truth. Every page is like reading my life for the last 12 years.

I shall be buying this book!

passive aggression in motion is such a weasel-y, whiny, cry-baby thing to behold it's easy to forget about the aggression part. but it IS aggression as surely as fists or bullets or a knife in the heart. it is profound anger capable of destruction even traditional weapons can't reach, made worse by the fact that you are hypnotized by lies and manipulation right up until impact.

there is no shame in being caught in the very elaborate, dangerous web, by it's very nature it grabs you and traps you deeper as you struggle to get free. the trick, i think, is to see it for the violent rage it is and act accordingly, like the damsel in a horror movie running through the forest from a deranged killer.

document your feelings and the tricks the abuser uses, write things down. revisit it often. articulating his patterns will empower and clarify your mind. treat it with the vigilance you would use to keep the axe-wielding maniac out of your cabin since he still lurks the woods. build the muscle that rips the off the mask and you will not be fooled again.

I feel you. This trait has been the bane of every relationship I have ever had. On the part of the other person, not me. For me, if you can't be as straight as a die about something, you might as well not bother.

Two things will get a person's jacksie (that's the British equivalent of "ass" in case anyone cares) very efficiently kicked out of my life: disloyalty and lying. They aren't always the same thing, but they are frequently both involved where the passive aggressive person is concerned. Often, lying by omission. And as Vern said, while the tactics seem and in fact are extremely cowardly, they still hurt. A lot. They are no less abusive than someone who actively and directly commits any other sort of abuse.

The fact that he lied to both that other woman and you about the nature of your relationship(s) made me immediately think, "Spineless." He deserves to be sent on his bike permanently just for that incident alone. And I've known women like this too - both genders can do this rubbish to people.

I understand why you are thinking, "Why the **** did I...?" but the truth is, we've all done it, and it's not even our fault; it's theirs. They are INCAPABLE of stepping up and being anything like a decent person in a relationship, so they turn round and accuse us of wanting too much instead. If only we weren't so demanding, so suspicious, blah blah. If only we weren't those things...nothing would change anyway, because they will always be who they are!

They're just full of shit, to put it bluntly. Not worth our concern. And I want that book too, thanks for mentioning it :)

When I asked him to leave 2 years ago, I was a wreck. I was afraid I was getting early onset dementia. I couldn't finish a sentence because I couldn't think of the words. I was to stressed to drive my car, my hair was falling out. I was physically and mentally ill. The first year he was gone I was paralyzed, then I realized I was fighting back the grief, then I was very sad for about three months. Since then I have gotten my crane operators lic. and Class A lic. I am me again. I'm healthy and capable, and creative. But since he has been back in contact, all that focus I had is lost in how to deal with him. I can see how I lost myself before. I don't know how to get rid of him, but I am trying to keep myself detached from him. He is being cold to me right now. I made him angry by telling the truth and reading a book. I am being punished. I'm glad it is showing right away that he is exactly the same. He has not changed and will never change. He hurts me. The best I can do right now is be detached. Thank you for your supportive words. It helps to hear the truth when he is such a liar. He lies by omission often.

I recognise the stress you describe. They cause nothing but chaos in people's lives. Throwing silent tantrums left and right, doing things deliberately to hurt you in a sideways manner. It is kind of amazing how they don't get sick of pulling it all the time. But they're abusers, and they probably always will be.

And oh yeah, they are positively ALLERGIC to the truth! How dare we even think of presenting them with anything resembling that... *eyeroll* He couldn't even cope with his partner reading a book. That tells me he knew exactly what was up with him; he just didn't like the fact that you were onto him and that you would probably, with that book's help, extricate yourself from his childish game.

It's great to hear about your accomplishments - I'm proud of you, and congrats! Neither he nor anyone else like him can ever take those away from you, remember that.

I hope things carry on getting better for you :) Hugs xxx

whipple, Everything you describe is classic abuser behavior.

The only way to get rid of him is complete NO CONTACT.

While we all want to understand &/or figure out what makes them tick, in the end it really doesn't matter.

While we all want to get some kind of closure from/with them, we never will. We must get that closure from within ourselves.

What matters is we get away and stay from them.

Stop all contact with him and anyone who is a mutual friend now. Block their numbers & emails and block them on all social media.

If you aren't already, please get into therapy with a QUALIFED therapist to help you heal from the trauma that the past abuse has caused you. QUALIFIED means someone who has had additional training over and above what they rec'd in college &/or to get their license. Not all therapists understand the dynamics of abuse, trauma and/or PTSD.

~healing hugs~

WOw this quote by cant74Deal really hit me! This is too true!!

Please do not hate yourself, abusers take our best qualities and exploit them, use them against us!

How can we win against that? The only way is to not deal with them! You gave him the chance and he blew it! You gave him forgiveness and he stuffed it! He's a LOSER!!

Blessings to you!! You deserve so much better!!

My True colors, you are right. We live in a small community. I couldn't go into half the businesses I normally frequent. I found myself avoiding being in town during times I knew he was out and about. My friends didn't understand why. I couldn't explain that if he could see me and talk to me he would talk me back in. I knew to stay away from him. He lives one mile up the road from me. I did not go that direction so I would not see him, but he has to drive by my house every time he goes to town. He drives by allot. Everything that happens at my house, he knows about. He doesn't consider NC a message to move on, he considers it part of the game. He waits for things to happen. He had just seen me with a friend of mine who helped me get my Class A lic. when he first e/m me. He thought I was moving on. I was just working with this man, but he saw me. He knows my Son was just getting ready to leave for school and that I would be without children, (empty nest) he waited for the timing to pounce. He never stopped the fight even though there was NC for 2 years. He just waited for the right moment. He didn't hesitate to get rid of the other girl, he was just using her for company until the time was right. I have either get clear enough about who he is that he has no ability to give me hope to toy me back in, or move from my home of 25 years. I hate to think he could run me out of my home, but I'm scared that that might be the only way out.

The best book for abusive relationships is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, I am very sorry you got into this. We have all had similar situations here. I'm glad you came to us for support.

He is addicted to using you. Forgive yourself and start again.

Hugs to you.

Tangelo, I am reading his quotes now. I need to read that next.

he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesnt believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.

Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.

I really like this one the best,
Resistance never disappears; it waits in the shadows, sometimes for many years, and then eventually sprouts again. You may have gone through dark times when you felt, I just cant fight this anymore, I give up, yet you rebound after a while to try again to recover your rights. And one day you will succeed.