Then this morning at work, I get a text from her, then can he use your truck as his tires are not fit to drive in the city. I say of course, have him trade me at work as I can't get it to him. My tires are re treads I put on 2 years ago. Ended up that her dad ended up taking him after all, with my truck.
Thing is, I do for them anytime they need money, also her family. I have yet to see any from them and her family still owes some of thiers.
Yet, I am being made to feel bad for not taking off today because they had a last minute snafu.
It seems like not matter what I do, Its never enough anyway.
At this point, I feel like selling my cell phone, staying at home totally, ordering food online, quitting work and finding a home job and just writing everybody out of my life.
I could have used my paycheck for tires for my truck, for gutters for my house, for therapy sessions to help me, heck for anything for me, yet I have basically been just handing it over left and right out of guilt, out of big sister responsibility, out of compassion and yet they are spending it on motels, on brand new state of the art appliances, on an upcoming vegas vacation...

Does anyone see why I am mad and hurt?

I do. Your SIL makes me madder every time I read about her!

Why is she the one phoning up your work and deciding that you have to be the one to drive your brother everywhere? Can't he ask for himself, or better still, share out the burden by asking someone who doesn't work?

I am always so mad at these kinds of expectations. I escaped one family full of them, then married into another. Being related equalled frigging iron chains... you HAD to help whoever, otherwise 'people will think you don't care'. What a load of crap.

I really think you would be taking care of yourself if you told this woman to butt out more often. I wonder what would happen if you said your brother has a mind of his own, and he could ask you for a favour himself?

Unless you start saying no, I don't see her changing. She has some nerve phoning up your workplace, what the hell is up with that?? She seems to be getting more and more entitled as time goes on, and she has no flipping right to be treating you that way.

Please distance yourself from her if at all possible. I'm sorry she is causing you so much pain and annoyance. She's annoying me and I don't even know her! Huge hugs xxx

I totally agree w/RB 110%!!! Sadly, in order for us to heal we must learn to say no to those who continue to take advantage of us, even if they are family.

You have every right to take care of yourself ahead of and above your brother and his greedy selfish self-centered wife & her just as greedy and selfish family. I see this just causing you more and more anguish. Joanie, you are such a beautiful soul who is kind and giving person. But it is hurting you to be kind and giving to these people. JMHO, but I hope you go NC with all of them so that you can take care of you. I think it will make a huge difference in how you feel.

And you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. I spent my whole childhood and all of my life up until very recently feeling guilty that I was selfish and self centered because that's what I was told. I recently started changing the word selfish to self caring each time I found myself feeling guilty that I was so selfish. It takes a little while, but it does start to shift things. Give yourself the gift of love and take good care of you.

~big hugs~

Oh I am so sorry Joansie! I totally relate to what you are saying! Why do they do all the taking and then make you feel guilty ? Answer: Because they know they can get more from you that way!! I have been there, done that. And now I have totally distanced myself from my parasite family who pile all their expectations on me but unsurprisingly , do not see it as a two-way street! I am so much better without them! Sending my blessings! Your family sound so inconsiderate and definitely treading on your boundaries! They have no respect for you, your work, or what you do for them! You have to ask yourself, what is the point of doing so much for them if they don't appreciate it?

Yes they can use your brother's chemo as emotional blackmail. But I will tell you, whenever I have some issue, it's amazing how it is NEVER as major as whatever THEIR issue is!

Sounds like you would be much better on your own...

What they said. I came to realize today that I need to cut someone out of my life that I thought was a friend. It was hard to come to that but when I was able to look at it a bit more objectively it seemed pretty obvious it was the best thing and the most appropriate thing considering what has happened between us through my marriage problems.

Something I've learned to do is not let my emotions rule my choices. I've always struggled with this. But I'm now coming to see that I can be a decent human being, kind to others AND at the same time not let my emotions rule.

I think you already knew the answer to your question before you asked. How would you view this if instead of chemo treatments he needed a ride another reason? How would you view the whole situation then? I don't know if your family is holding this over you or if it is your own guilt gnawing at you. Regardless, this seems manipulative and inconsiderate how this is playing out. This is gnawing at you for a reason.

What it sounds like to me is they want the benefits of a loving, give and take relationship without any of the responsibility or the giving part of the give and take.

I think you will find the most joy when you helping others indeed helps others. However in this case they want you to continue to enable because quite frankly its working for them.

Changing to a person who feels comfortable saying "no" isn't easy, but I've learned it does get easier with practice. You deserve relationships with people who care for you unconditionally. The kind of relationships where even if you gave nothing, they would still want to be with you because they just enjoy YOU! You deserve that Joanie!!!

I am on my phone now so I can't reply in the context that I would like but ..I do suffer from what I feel might be survivor's guilt? I lost my mother to a very long, hard battle with bladder, breast and bone cancer. My dad and I were her caretakers, also trying to manage work and a marriage. The only thing I managed to save was my job. And I even lost that for awhile. I also lost both grandparents to cancer so not only am I scared about it, I have to feel guilt because all the people I got close to, died. And they all had their own families ..spouse and children, as my brother does. Then here is me. I am alone, basically needed for what I can provide, no child, husband, family would be affected if I had the cancer instead.
Make sense?
Maybe the SIL sees all my failure and resents that it is not me? I don't know. Right now I just know I have never felt like turning away from my little brother when he needs me but the more he takes her side and only comes to see me when he needs money or use my truck or my mower or etc...it is chipping away at my heart.
I never felt more unwanted and unloved. Maybe its because I am adopted..
Ya know, my dad told this last Guy I was insecure. Gee, when my own family made me feel like that and still do, is it all that hard to see why.

The others hv sd it very well. Would your SIL help you if the tables were turned?

I wd really play the " sorry, I can't lose my job card". Focus on yourself more and your anger towards her less if possible. She's not worth it.

Communicate w your brother when she's not around, after his treatments, if he needs help or company when you are not working. You are under no obligation to her. She doesn't rule you nor pay your bills. Sounds like a toxic person to me, you deserve better

Joaniesie,

I feel that nowadays is very complicated. We all have to work to support ourselves. Our family doesn't support us our entire lives. But yet, we have families who expect us to be there for them at the drop of a hat and take care of them. I have been in similar situations to you where I have nurtured sick family members. I also left my job and marriage at 18 so I could help look after my grandfather when he was dying of bone cancer. As a matter of fact, I gave him his last dose of morphine and always felt like I might have overdosed him and caused his final breath. My counsellor says an 18 year old should have never been asked to do this. But funnily, my family never remember this part . They only talk about what I didn't do for them; or the fact that I got married without telling them the first time. Even though I explained that as I was living with my first husband's parents and they were very religious, pressuring me to marry him... they have no empathy whatsoever. You would think they might feel bad that I was in such a situation, that they were not able to look after me, send me to university, etc. But they were only concerned about them and crying that I did not tell them. The truth was that this guy was so abusive and he also told me that we would get married and not tell them and then get married later in a big wedding with my family. Then after the wedding he forced me to tell them. At 18 I told them this, but they had absolutely zero concern for me and only cried victim for themselves!

Then I went back to look after my grandfather when he had cancer. It was all a big mess. BUt for years, they never talked about how kind I was to leave everything and come help the family when my grandfather was dying. They only talked about how I had gotten married without telling them!

You can see how this demotivated me to do much more for my family. Although I did do more and still... in spite of the fact that they have done very little for me, they still talk about what I haven't done for them. My Father is the only one who will say that they have done so much for all the other kids but nothing for me! However, my dad lets himself be controlled by my mother so I am sure this is her decision as she hates that both her mother and her husband really adored me. Anyway, her mother was also very abusive to her so I can understand that probably she was rubbing it in her face by being so close to me. Its just a typical dysfunctional family!

Does any of this sound familiar? I'm sure you would be telling me to run a mile and focus on myself which is what I have done! So Joaniesie, I think and feel that you should very much do the same for yourself!

Sending you all my blessings!!!

joanie your family makes me feel like i am wearing a tight itchy turtle neck sweateraugh! but you know the only thing, the ONE THING that holds all of it together is your guilt. without that, this is just a bunch of people asking for things you can't give.

this guilt is a bad habit, like smoking or inhaling chemical fumes. what if you approached it like one? try working your "no, sorry, i can't muscle" and make that your default setting. stop rushing to help and say no, and then deal with the gross feelings separately. put a quarter in a jar when you feel guilty. hit yourself in the head with a hammer. feel it, know what it is, and move past it. don't let it keep deciding your behavior for you. you feel like nothing is ever enough because it isn't, as long as you have a life force there will be something to suck from you. everyone around you has chosen to use it on you like a weapon, you deserve a NO shield to get a minute of rest.

life will happen if you say no. people will get where they need to go and do what they need to do whether you are sacrificing yourself or not. they don't care if you don't have money, they don't care what it does to you. say no, feel guilty, survive and see that everything is ok.