Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Pain of mothering

supportplease
supportplease
My sister just dropped her 20 year old daughter off at college. The daughter basically told her to leave and turned it around by saying that my sister (her mother) didn't want to stay. The discomfort began when the daughter started complaining about the size of the dorm room and my sister told her that she thought it was nice. My sister ended up leaving and is now second guessing herself.

The daughter does not take responsibility for her actions or words. She will yell at her mom when her mom wants to talk to her about something important, yet she tells my sister to stop yelling at her when, in fact, her mother is not raising her voice. She will call her mother at work and if she can't talk will call over and over again, yet if her mother calls her at work she will hang up on her.

Her daughter tends to be disrespectful to her mom and my sister had tended to take it. I think that it was the right thing that my sister leave the college. She gave her daughter a kiss, wished her good luck, and told her to call home to keep in touch.

My sister doesn't know what to do. She is tired of being treated badly by her daughter and feels that she keeps coming back for more. She wants to let her daughter know that she expects to be respected but she is afraid of losing her child.

Should my sister wait to hear from her daughter? What if the daughter doesn't call?

Any feedback is much appreciated!
Cat67
Cat67
I really think she did the right thing by leaving. I think your sister needs to have a heart to heart with her daughter and let her know all the things that are bothering her. She needs to let her know that she won't tolerate the disrespect and should have a plan if it continues. It's so hard to be a mother, I often feel this way with my own children who are teenagers. We do so much for them and would give anything only to get disrespect in return. It breaks my heart. Maybe she needs to remind her that she got to college because of her mother..if that's the case. Good luck to her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This disrespect isn't new in their relationship. It can't be. Some allow their kid's the freedom of disrespectful speech in an effort to maintain harmony and friendship.
Once you open that door - at whatever age - the damage is done and quite irreversable.

Until now.

This seperation is the perfect opportunity to let the daughter figure out how much your sister supported and stood by her. Let the cards play out. Don't call, and for a period of time, tell her not to return call's. Use this time to reestablish a respectful relationship.
deleted_user
deleted_user
wow.. I came here because I was having the same exact problem with my 22 yr old daughter. Let me tell you what I did to ease the situation.. I wrote my daughter a letter, telling her the situation from my point of view.. how I felt.. and how her actions affected me.. I reached deep into my soul and told her only how I felt.. no complaints about her, just the truth about how I feel.. she responded very well to this letter, and I was so happy that she actually cared about me.. In my letter I explained how it really feels to be a mother, how you feel about your children, and that it's hard to turn off the feelings Children don't have these "motherly urges" so they don't understand how strong we feel about their welfare. This is the first time I've dealt with this "letting go" because she's my oldest child and a female.. she's so much like me it's scary.. and it's hard to see her because it's so hard to see myself. I so feel for your sister Cat.. but it's time to back off as much as that hurts.. because if she doesn't .. she'll not only hurt her daughter, but she'll hurt herself even more.. damn.. being a mother sucks sometimes.. especially at the point when it's time to quit.
deleted_user
deleted_user
let me just add this:

Your sister has invested 20 yrs to raising her daughter to be on her own.. she now has to trust that's she's done a good job, which I suspect she's done.. again.. letting go is so hard.. tell her that her reward will be in seeing that her daughter can fly on her own, because she was taught well
queenvalerie
queenvalerie
Support, is this the same sister that is being abused by her husband? If so, there you go. That is where she learned it from.
deleted_user
deleted_user
queenvalerie,

You have children?
supportplease
supportplease
I think my sister is afraid to say too much to her daughter because she is afraid her daughter will never call....and go down a bad path. My sister has confided in me that she feels, as her mother, that she is the only one who will take her daughters attitude and be there for her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I remember my Mom giving me luggage when I was 18, and I sounded a lot like your dear niece. I called eventually, I came back eventually, I stopped yelling and became respectful eventually but it came with time, learning, understanding and experience. Right now your niece may be feeling conflicted like she is ready to be on her own but frightened and she takes it out on her mother, and her mother allows it so it is considered acceptable in the girls eyes. But regardless of the girls "reason" your sister cannot enable her to treat her like that, whenever there is unacceptable behavior your sister must not accept it... she should walk away, hang up or leave the situation, your neice will soon get the message.
Cat67
Cat67
Being there is one thing, accepting the behavior is another. Let some time lapse and see what happens, see if the daughter realizes anything on her own..like why Mom hasn't called in the last two weeks. Maybe she needs a wake up call. See if the daughter then opens the door to allow Mom to speak up. Why does she feel she may choose a bad path?
wvartgirl
wvartgirl
I think that your sister has done the right thing by leaving her at college. What is she supposed to do, move in the dorm room? ;-)

Your sister has everything to gain and nothing to lose. If her daughter is non-appreciative and never calls again, it will be sad. But maybe the non-appreciative daughter willmature in college and realize that her mom has always been there for her. Either way, your sister cannot allow herself to be treated so doormat-like by her own daughter. It takes two to establish and maintain a pattern of abuse.

YOU are a good sister to care so much for your sister and niece and I hope that this all works out. Hugs to you...
supportplease
supportplease
It's hard to know if my sisters daughter means it, but when my sister pulls back or lets her know that she does not like the way she is being treated, her daughter says something like "I'll drop out of school...I don't want to be here anyway." My sister feels that she is somehow keeping her on a path by being involved in her life.
supportplease
supportplease
My sisters daughter called her from college today and acted like nothing happened. When my sister told her that her attitude upset her, my sisters daughter was ready to hang up. She does not want to hear how her actions make her mother feel!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It sounds to me like emotional blackmail and it seems to be paying off for your niece. I have a 20 year old son I raised by myself. One of my coworkers was having trouble with her teenager and said she could not punish him because now he was taller than her so she would have to let her husband deal with him. She asked me what I was going to do when my son got older since I was a single mom. I told her if I had to I would get a
2 X 4 and equal the playing field. Kids need bounderies and rules and it is exausting to stand by what you say as a parent and not give in to the emotional blackmail because once you do they know they got ya. I agree with Dr. Phil, "you teach people how to treat you", I will say a prayer for your sister and niece, I am sure your niece will mature and grow up but in the meantime your sister needs all the support she can get. God Bless