Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I looked in the mirror after dragging myself out of bed this morning, and realized I was composing a suicide note in my head.
Last night, after a pleasant weekend with the kids, and even a nice time grocery shopping with her, my wife posted the following article: http://www.viralnova.com/marriage-is-not-for-you/
It's a blog post by a man, realizing that he's allowed himself to be overwhelmed by selfishness, and that the reason he was married was to make his wife and children happy. And that if he was dissatisfied, it was because he wasn't focused on them enough.
I stated that I felt it was an attempt to guilt trip me.
My family, her friends, and many of my friends came out of the woodwork to support her, let me know it was a completely innapropriate forum to call her out in, and tell me 'if you don't want to feel guilty, you shouldn't do anything that makes you feel guilty" (that was from my ever-loving sister)
I honestly don't know if the abuse, the lonliness, the grief, the hopelessness, or the fear is going to get me first.
Last night, after a pleasant weekend with the kids, and even a nice time grocery shopping with her, my wife posted the following article: http://www.viralnova.com/marriage-is-not-for-you/
It's a blog post by a man, realizing that he's allowed himself to be overwhelmed by selfishness, and that the reason he was married was to make his wife and children happy. And that if he was dissatisfied, it was because he wasn't focused on them enough.
I stated that I felt it was an attempt to guilt trip me.
My family, her friends, and many of my friends came out of the woodwork to support her, let me know it was a completely innapropriate forum to call her out in, and tell me 'if you don't want to feel guilty, you shouldn't do anything that makes you feel guilty" (that was from my ever-loving sister)
I honestly don't know if the abuse, the lonliness, the grief, the hopelessness, or the fear is going to get me first.
I do know that feeling of having your back against the wall. There is not much you can do about it other than say to yourself, she is being who she is.
My husband was so successful in looking good outside that my own friends (what few I had by then) were saying to me, "Why aren't you helping him more financially?" I felt too defeated to say, "Er, well, I would love to if he wasn't trying his hardest to keep me out of work and dependent on him." I wanted to get a job at a Chinese takeaway near our home - it was perfect, one street away, and I could easily fit in the hours after already doing my charity volunteer day shifts. But no. "I don't want MY wife doing THAT sort of work!"
And nobody but me would believe me that he was actually this way.
Sorry for the hijack. It's just, I totally get how crappy it is when nobody else can see what is so clear to your eyes. You just want to go, "It's right there! And it damn well HURTS!"
I have no idea if any of what I said was actually helpful...but I hope it made you feel a little less alone xx
I'm concerned for you
about the emotional
space you're in.
Are you involved in
any kind of clinical
support, therapy or
a support group?
You don't have to
go throught this alone!
Thinking of you.
If I call her on it in public, I'm a villain. If I call her on it in private, I'm opening myself to the crazy zone. If I don't call her on it, she just gets more and more support, and I sit and bleed all alone. (Metaphorically speaking.) (Mostly metaphorically speaking.)
I can't win.
To me, a love-based marriage is about two healthy, happy, stable, complete people coming together to share their INDIVIDUAL lives TOGETHER. Not about changing another. Not about changing oneself. Not about making yourself happy. Not about making the other happy. Not about giving. Not about taking. I truly think that a happy marriage can't exist unless the individuals first love themselves and love their lives. Loving yourself first is NOT selfish.
And for your wife to post this is just a way of blaming you for not bending over backwards to cater to her every need. I am guessing that she is like my girlfriend and you feel like she expects you to give up EVERYTHING to make her happy. I'm sure she read the article and thinks the problem with your marriage is that YOU aren't giving up enough for her, and just can't see how self-centered her behavior is.
Uggh. This actually infuriates me. I've got more thoughts on this, but I need to stop myself right now.
I do think you have another option: ignore it. Let her play her passive-aggressive games. It's an empty gesture on her part if it doesn't bother you.
Or post a "rebuttal" article on your own FB page. Nothing overt where you are obviously calling her out. Just something that rebuts what you think were the most offensive parts of the article she posted.
Given your history and how she has turned people against you in the past, I know it must be very hard to have faith that your friends will ignore her insinuations and keep believing in you. But what is the alternative? Playing her game is only making you miserable.
Please take care of yourself.
Her response:
"It's not. I'm sorry if you feel that way. i just thought it was an interesting article."
I responded "I have to point out that you started with a direct negation of my experience, followed by an 'I'm sorry' of compassion, and not apology, and a defense of your behavior."
And THAT's when my sister jumped in to play.
It must suck quite enough to FEEL like they are taking her bait. But at least if you refused to post a response, she wouldn't have any more ammunition, and everyone wouldn't pile on with their 'support'. It might just suck a little less not having to read it all in black and white, is all.
I suggest this only because, even when I knew my own husband and his sister were talking about me on the phone, I found it easier to be somewhere else when those conversations happened. They were wrong, absolutely; but I also knew they would not be convinced whatever I did. So I let them have their delusional chats, told myself I was under no obligation to listen or agree, and saved myself the pain of hearing exactly what they said in excruciating detail.
It helped. Maybe it would help you too? If a dog barks at you, you don't bark back, right? You just let him bark it out until he's done. This is like that. You and your wife are not on the same page. She is never going to 'get' your responses, and you are hurting yourself and as Kevin said, giving them ammo to hurt you. Maybe just let her sound off...? It does not speak any less of you if you do... xx
I'm still trying to make this work. I'm trying to hold off divorce.
I don't know how I can protect myself without sacrificing the marriage. And my kids.
I know I have hurt myself by holding on to the false belief that I could reason with someone who is unreasonable. In one place she describes the fool as Pigpen (from Peanuts). Everywhere they go there is a trail of dust surrounding them.
Oh, and a last point worth mentioning (from Jan's book) is a fool ENJOYS their foolishness. Fools don't want insight which- a concept hard for us who spend hundreds of dollars on books and therapy to understand. Don't let her orangutan you by her poking you with her arrow. :-) She wants to know she's getting to you.
IMHO I disagree with doing any kind of rebuttal online. She is looking and hoping for you to use the wrong wording that she can hang you for. To form a rebuttal would mean that her opinion is worthy of creating a dialog with or speaking to. Fools show their true colors and we can facilitate the process by not giving them a mattress to fall on.
You do not have to defend yourself though I can understand everything within you screams otherwise. After all she is insulting your character. But I think if you fixate on how to get her to see she is being manipulative and foolish you will wear yourself out. She is not going to say "Oh, you know, you're right. I never thought about it that way." Hold your head high and take the moral high ground by not getting into the dusty sandbox with her. Again, just my opinion.
As for the article - omg - I would love to know what this guy's parents marriage is like! That is so distorted, IMO.
To be married, the 2 people need to love themselves first and if they are healthy, mature people, THEN they can love someone else. We have to be happy with ourselves. I believe a partner should emotionally compliment us, and we should be happy being with them - but not depend on them to make us happy.
For your wife to post that article, it just proves how distorted her views are. Her response really bugged me. She's going against what your'e feeling and playing it off innocently of just a fluff article. I don't buy it.
As frustrating as it may be, I wouldn't respond because I fear it would just aggravate you more.And yet, not being able to voice your opinions and feelings is very frustrating as well. Thats what contributed to the screwed up situation Im in now. Because for far too long, cant quite remember when, I started holding things in to avoid an argument...and now I'm bubbling over :(
Sending hugs,